the un-figure-out-able

My mind is an antenna
Nothing is permanent here
My consciousness is
When my mind turns off I lose reception
It's not lights off
That thought doesn't do anything for me
The antenna thought does
It does everything for me
This is a piece of the puzzle
It makes me feel better
I need this, just like the born again dude needs church
Time to live now that I don't have to figure out the un-figure-out-able

When I froze

This is for the one who holds my love
I can't reach, you keep it high above
Locked into the box I sit and stare
Shadows cover all that was once there
I'm holding on to sand
Slipping in the land
Of dreams
Taking all the keys
In a way that no one sees
It seems
Where did my surfing seem to go?
Watching waves high up on the bluff
I left my constant need to know
Now I'm froze with all the other stuff

Where can I buy a new me?

I'm running into the wall again.  Nothing to say, a blank mind.  I wish the issue was that my mind was empty, free of all thoughts.  It's true that I sit here and want to write something as my mind only shoots blanks, but the fact is I have too much going on in there.  I think I have too many viruses in my mind.  The virus has spread and the result is a crashed hard drive.  Yes I think that's what my mind is right now, a frozen computer. 

It's similar to a blank mind, they almost look the same.  It's like looking at a computer that's frozen and one that's asleep.  At first glance they might both look like they're asleep.  The only difference is when you move the mouse on the sleeping computer it wakes up and gives you access to the many files it stores and the millions of reachable files from the web.  The frozen computer does nothing.

I'm moving the mouse of my brain right now and nothing is coming.  It's frozen.  The hard drive was too full and now it's worthless.  How do you fix a frozen computer?  The first step is usually to turn it off and back on.  How do I turn my brain off?  Does anyone know where the plug is on these brains?  I can't find mine.

Another solution is to buy a new computer.  Does anyone know where I can get a new me?  I'd really love to pick one up.

no cry lullaby

Mountain time, soft unwind, turpentine, flashing mine
For sale, in jail, don't fail, long tail
Jazz mount, long count, curled hair, numbing care
Stretching fur, lapsing stir, manly cure, inside lure

Softly down, loudly clown, frozen ground, nothing found

Sitting gaze, things amaze, in this phase
That's why, no cry, lullaby

I need to figure out

I've got to figure it out
Then I need to figure out if I figured it out
That's gonna take a lot of figuring out
Don't you figure?
They say every cell in your body regenerates every seven years.
I'm different than I was twenty years ago
There's still some residue from that old guy
But the truth is I don't know him
I've got to figure this shit out

My therapist said the words he heard were
"dead on the inside"
and "cornered by life"
those are my sentences
what if there isn't a way out?
nothing to figure out
That's what I need to figure out

Dead

I'm dead
It's better that way
I was dying and that sucked
But now that I'm dead it kind of feels good
You can float when you're dead
You're responsibilities are way different than alive
It's more fun when you're dead
It's like you're alive
It's fun
Funny
It's definitely not scary
It used to be scary
For nothing
What a waste of time
dead

rambles to home

Time through the glass
Closing the eyes
Up through the fast
And the one final tries
Again and again
Is the only past
Remember the friend
Who's standing at last
Holding the horn
The music did blow
Get yourself born
Before you do go
Hits on the stove
Down in the trench
Walking the grove
Avoiding the stench
Writing the songs
Seeing the touch
Correcting the wrongs
And sliding the clutch

To home
a home
Any home
Make it mine

I just have a hammer

It falls apart
I try to hold it together
It's crumbling
It's changing
It's disheartening
It's disappearing
It's shattered

I have everything I need
Everything I want
It's staring me in the face

It's not enough
It should be
It could be

I'm not looking at the miracle
But it's looking at me
It is me
It's in me
It abounds me

Help
I say to the sky
The sky is quiet
The answer is silence

Everytime
The silence makes my ears ring
My blood is loud
It rushes through my body

I fear it to stop
These thoughts
I used to change them
The change has gone
The mortar has set in

Break it
Take the hammer
This is my only tool I have left

Get it gone and turn on

Everything
It's all gotta go
Don't ask her
She'll say no
Just listen
To your gut
Do this now
Then make the cut
Everything
Make it gone
You don't need it
You need to turn on

The thirst to leave

Brick walls
Endless halls
Mixing talls
Over falls
Leading down
Bleeding frown
Believing clown
Deceiving drown
Money's gone
love is wrong
Fading lawn
Dreamful pawn
Just to fly?
If not die?
And asking why
is dumb to try?
Forgetting thought
It's all you've got
To think what not
Is all forgot
Walk from hell
Don't try and tell
Forget the spell
Or when you fell
Just get the turn
Away from burn
It's what to learn
Before adjourn
Step the first
It's the worst
But soon the thirst
To leave the cursed

Next and now - the paradox

The paradox of now and next
I need to stay now
I need to get next
Now is everything
What's now is not enough
I must live now
But today's now becomes tommorrow
I need to stay in today
I see so many is yesterday
Like a dream
I need to leave the dream
I need to still dream
I'm ready for next
This moves me
I need to move
I need to turn
Every scene needs to turn

I want this for you

It's what I want to give you
But the giving is hard
It's what I want for you
But it's too tough for love
Not now can I be here
Not now can I sing
It's later when the gold is seen
It's later in the dream
It's what I want for you
But I know it's right for me
Something that easily slips
Yet it stands in front so clean
I want it now
That's my downfall
I want the taste
I want to forget
I want to avoid the pain
The knots are tied
My stomach crawls
The spiders live
Inside these walls
My web is deep
That part can't move
The web is strong
And the life is growing weak
I want this for you
Not that
I want what I know is true
I want that for you
I want it to

I wish I knew what to do

I wanted you so bad
I didn't know how to go about it
Then I learned how
I was taught
Or maybe I read a book
Then I used the knowledge
I got you
It was good
Then I let you go
I was just ok then
Next I wanted her
Did the same thing
Got her
Let her go
Then I was just ok
At this point I wanted you back
I knew what to do
I remembered everything from the book
But I didn't want to do it
It was too much work
I didn't get you
Then I got depressed
I used to wish I knew what to do
Then I learned
Now I know and don't want to do it
Now I want another
I wish I knew what to do
I swear I would do it
And then I'll get it
And then I'll let it go
Then I'll be just ok
Then I'll want it back
But I won't want to do what it is I have to do
Repeat cycle

I do really wish I knew for this new thing

Wherever I am

It's always the best place
It's the place I wanted
Wherever I live
It's better than anywhere
Yoga
Jujitsu
Surfing
Sun
Friends
Cool people
Music
Film
Laughing
History
Love

365 days today

One year
Every day for one year
365 days...in a row

The seeker needs order
The creator needs order

The walker needs a path
I've been walking the path

One year

Everyday I write
Every day I do my yoga
I meditate
I enter the realm

365 days

This is my path
I choose
I want order in my life
I want to create
I want to be a vessel

It's my habit
My replacement
My path

Where does it lead?
It's my life
I'm reckless with my order
I don't want to loose it

I'm following the signs
Building the road
Opening the doors

The wash to be

Tired body sleep
The day is long
The attempted leap
Has taken the strong
Eyes close to dark
The astral has awoke
This walk to the park
With ghostly folk
Limits reason
Here on earth
Clear this season
Here comes the birth
This is crazy
In their eyes
They see lazy
When this thing dies
What was knowing
In the minds
Was not glowings
Only blinds
Walk the fear
It's only smoke
It seems so near
That's the joke
Keep the path
Seek the tree
Take the bath
the wash to be

Comedy and being yourself

When I first started doing comedy I was getting laughs for being awkward.  I threw myself down self conscious alley and soon it became a crutch.  The thing is, in the beginning you need to get the laughs, this is the most import thing.  Once you figure out how to get the laughs you can start to tweak things.  It still sucks having to rely on a crutch.  I remember I used to want to wear a certain shirt that I thought was a little nerdy and tuck it in just to get the awkward feel going.

The worst part is when you start trying to be yourself but you can't because you're using crutches.  It's kind of like when Forrest Gump was learning how to run with leg braces on.  That's exactly where I am in my comedy right now, I'm trying to run and I'm wearing leg braces.  Hopefully they'll break off and if I'm lucky enough I'll be able to run and not just fall on my face.

Unfortunately I think that falling on my face might be in the cards for me.  This is comedy.  I have a little chunk of my act that really just feels like me talking.  It's like I'm breathing fresh air.  I'm starting to see that I might be able to actually do comedy and be myself at the same time.  This is my goal.

Tonight I'm performing in Costa Mesa at the Westside Bar and Grill, my goal is to relax and have fun.  I'm bringing an old friend "Dealer's Choice" on stage to play guitar and sing behind me.  I'm ready to rock!  And laugh (hopefully).

Love in the rough

"You're doing science in your mind right now!  You're doing science in your mind and the science says,'I get a playdate!'" - Stone Fightmaster

I live with the smiles
I live for the whiles
I trudge the miles

And you're a broken mold

All of the heart
All that's smart
Way off the chart

We're in the fold

Taken from grace
Filling the space
blinding like mace

You come and you wake

From start to end
You're brother's friend
The feels you send

Mine for the take

Thank you
I love you know matter what

Split and shattered

Late for life
the time has passed
the alarm is broke
I've slept through madness
I've awakened to pain
all the memory is what's avoided
I looked to hope and found it dying
I threw my rage unto the wall
my girl just missed the senseless anger
pointless is the surface facts
I stepped back in
and was placed on the rails
I'm relying on something that holds
it's not slipping or disheartening
my medicine must be taken
surfing the wave of untold signs
I stand
I fall
I break
I feel
until I'm split and then shattered

The lonely crowd

The explorer who doesn't find
the traveler who sits
the discoverer who sees nothing new
the writer who stares
the skater who stands
the surfer who's dry
the quiet singer
the thirsty drinker
the lonely lover
the boring inspiration
the loud meditation
the crowded silence

I'm you

but I'm also me

today I partake

Surf the wave

The ocean is what I use for my template
I believe a lot of what the girl says
There's a few holes in the story and people want to throw it all out
Not me
I think there's vibrations
We can't see them
Sometimes I feel them
I think thoughts can create them
I can put it out in the universe
It's like learning to surf
You need a healthy fear of the ocean
It can fuck you up
And it does
Innocent people
That one dude got bitten in half
There's monsters living in there
But if you pay attention
And respect the rules
You can get on the vibration
You can hit it on a good day
Every day is different
You can surf the waves
That's just the beginning
You can add style
You can get inside
You can get high
At the same time that it can fuck you up
It can awaken your spirit
Learn the rules
Learn the vibe
Surf the wave

Where's my stories

It seems like there's a million
I used to love and listen to the greats
Laughing was always my favorite
I want to tell them but they seem to have dissapeared
I'm looking back and I don't see much
Just a bunch of dirt in the air
What's the big deal?
Why is this so difficult?
We were a group
Why did they want to leave?
They didn't
I want to bring the dead to life
I want to bring my Dad back to life
I don't want him to get drunk
Or yell
Or leave
Or die
Where did the stories go?
Why can't I tell them?
Or can I?
I wasn't born with the gift
Not the whole gift
Half
The other half is work
That's where I am
Everyday

Trying hurts others

I'm back
I went there again
All signs say to avoid this door
But I opened it
My computer crashed
I was poking at the center of the mainframe
the system was about to blow
then everything went dark

why can't I look?
Why does my harddrive fail?
Why does everyone pretend this door isn't there
I want to open it again
It's all I used to think about
I went to the doctor
I took the prescription and it worked
I've lost the doctors number
he doesn't want me to look
it hurts him
I don't want to hurt the doctor
I like him
but I hurt him when I try to see

Read the signs

The signs can only be seen if you look
If you know how to read
It's a cycle
You can read these things but only if you want to see
Most people choose not to see
It's too much work
The ironic thing is that people value work
Just not the kind that means anything in the end
I don't want to fall
This is why I'm learning to read
This is another art that must be learned through practice
Slipping
There's signs of slippage long before the fall
Look for slips
The slips themselves are not the fall
The slips are the signs
The slips are telling you to turn
To grab on to something turning
To charge back
To higher ground
You don't have to fall
But to not fall you have to read the signs

Like the beach

My creation is like the beach
My work is for today
Only my insides get to keep rewards
my outsides can become beautiful
this can be swept away with the tide
sometimes it's high
sometimes it's low
remember the formation is constantly on the move
I can create beauty for a day
the tide takes it away and recreates it's own
all I have are the lessons
the muscle memory
work the muscle of this memory
I can become incredible
I can also die
respect
observe
play
practice
build
have fun

Adhere to the signs

The signs are good
The phone's not ringing for the wrong reasons
This is a good sign
I'm entering back into the world of the living
Through the wall of pain
This is the only way
This direction is a good sign
I've found a key to the lock of my passion
I've waited for this with no luck
The signs are changing right now
The girl is smiling
This is allways good
Look for the signs
Pay attention
Adhere

Where am I going?

Sometimes the stars do align
Sometimes you hit a sweet spot
Sometimes all in the world is right
Sometimes, for a brief moment, you can be king
Tonight was this moment for me.
I thought I was going to drive off a cliff
But I turned the crowd around instantly and had them eating out of my hand
Some things you can't fake
The guy before me knows this too well
The belly laughs were not the phantom laughs sometimes heard by open mic-ers
I've heard those before and tonight they were real.
As long as you're not counting the mean looking lady in the corner of the room
She didn't crack a smile
She abhorred me, I could sense this
I have this affect on certain types of people
I have a quality in me that can turn a completely, seemingly composed man into a basket case
The teacher in high school went home in tears
I can lead
But like Matt Dillon's older bother in Rumblefish told him
"If you're going to lead you need some place to go."
Where am I going?  This has become my question.

Choose something to beleive in

I thought the pill would work
No, scratch that
I believed in the pill
I believed it to the core of my being
I knew for a fact that the pill would work
So I took it
And guess what?
It did
It worked like a fucking charm
I got high
I got connected
I became part of the orderly direction of the universe
In fact the universe began to rearrange itself for me

One day I stopped taking the pill
I learned that it wasn't really working
That's what someone told me and I believed them
Fuck that pill
The universe took a look at me and said, "Fuck you!"
I was fucked
Everything went to shit

I wanted my universe back
I took the pill
I didn't believe it would work
And it didn't
The universe was still fucking me
I wasn't on the beam

Brainwashing group think bullshit worked for me
Then I didn't want to be a zombie
This is my thinking
I wanted to be me
The pill stopped working

Choose something to believe in
Put it in a pill
Swallow the pill

I want more unattainable

I saw a glimpse today
It was beautiful
So much so it hurt a little
But in a good way
Instantly I need more
It made me feel good
Being in the dark for long times has that effect
Just a glimpse can become intoxicating
I want more
I want to take more
I want to make more
I want to give more
I want to live in more
I want to bath in more
My personality is just this way
I surprise people
When will I surprise myself?
I want more than a glimpse
I want the whole unattainable thing

Strange darkness

Strange change
Strange stillness
Strange feel
Sounds swim in my mind
Water flows through the being
The tower is crumbling

Both of the understandings are hidden

Hidden behind words

Hidden behind acts

Hidden behind signs

Hidden within the world

Hiddin both within and without

I used to know and it was good

Then I learned more and no longer knew

Then it became strange

Just go with it

It's just the drug

It's just the unknowable truth