A beginning clear

I've fallen from my written word
I saw the edge but couldn't turn
I tried from high to be the bird
But later found the falling burn
The fire heated my watered pot
Laying still in no type of shock
The blinding highs which I sought
Were nowhere found around my block
Holding court inside the heads
Of brainwashed stones and fakes
The spirit slept in softer beds
And so the turns my journey takes
They bring me laughter filled tears
The kind you see in the darkest dark
The kind that blind from all the fears
That all the others make their mark
For me this road is just forever
The concept froze my thoughts
The mainframe shook from the lever
Beginning the clears of clots

IA lives

I've witnessed greatness
I've seen true magic
I've been a part of something special
The feeling is coming back to me
I've touched the fire and I didn't get burned
I transcended
I'm back
The band is back
The band is a state of mind
I'm reentering the state

The band is innocent addicts
I'd like to take this moment to welcome back the band

jokes first

Jokes first
Always
It's easy to forget
To try to be yourself
No one wants you
They only want what they think you are
Don't ruin it for them
Don't be yourself
Not in the beginning
This should be clear
Start with the jokes
Get them laughing
Get them all laughing
As they loosen up you can start to connect
Then start to relate
Then show them who you are
As soon as they are invested
This is when you can be yourself

Post last

Post life living
Post dream dreaming
Post asked giving
Post life seeming

Last chance grabbing
Last time kept
Last chance stabbing
Last time slept

The honest dishonest

If you ever think it can't get worse
This is the time to hold on
You can't shake the old curse
Remember it's a long con
Shake it off and get yourself up
It's not a man who complains
My eyes see it as a half full cup
And forgettable pains
Lesser is the soul that looks the true
When inside they know nothing is straight
The dishonest honesty carried a few
While the rest of us stood for the wait

I stopped

I stopped writing
I stopped yoga
I stopped exercise
I quit eating candy like 100 times this year
I stopped meditating

I'm supposed to course correct
Look around
Take a breath
See what works
Discard what doesn't
Live a little
Maybe laugh

But I've stopped
I've been in stop land for some time now
Get me out of here!

Dream state waiting

Seven days of silent betrayal
Seven ways to sleep without fail
Holding to true
Living in lie
Lovingly blue
Still asking why

Both have the love

A song to the ones that rattle my cage
The ones that run around free
Inside is the touch which leads to my rage
A song to the ones with the key
My love is for you this I remind
The ones that I love with a hug
Run through my willingness when I'm kind
And crush all my smalls like a bug
You're movement is loud
But this is your plight
All time I am proud
I'm watching you fight
But nothing can change
The way that I feel
Nothing's as strange
And nothing's as real

I'm here for you

For some time it's been this way
Evan when things look good
I'm working the job and it's ok
But still it's not what I should
It's just in your head let it go
The enemy is not what you see
I'm living the only way that I know
The problem for you is not me
Let me love you and be the one
It's just like the waves by the shore
You can't stop what's already done
There's no sense in wanting more
We've got what we need and it's here
In front of your beautiful eyes
Let me love away all of the fear
For you there's unlimited tries

Mojo back rhyme

I've got my comedy mojo back
Thank you to the comedy God's
The comedy God's said it's lack
Of preparation that makes it odd
But if I think and then if I write
And then look it over before I go
The laughs are easy without a fight
And the delivery is what makes the show

Get rid of the weight

I'm sliding
The only way to slide is down
I guess at least you have to had made it up a ways in order to get the slide
I think I've made it to great hieghts
Definitely high enough to give me a fast fucking ride down
So much to loose
How did I get so much?
I have some good stuff too
Stuff that people search their entire lives for
But it's not all good stuff
I have a lot of stuff
Everywhere is stuff
But the most stuff is between my ears
There's so much stuff there
Does anyone know where the release valve is?
This stuff weighs a lot
The weight is making me slide
...must get to the release valve
I've got to get rid of all this weight

What do they want?

I want something for nothing but there's no such thing
I keep on trying but disappointment's my king
The baggage that comes always bites
It's many sleepless and restless nights

The sweat and the blue
It's all one new shade
To quick to the new
Doesn't pass the grade

Under the top
Under the pile
Unheard of mop
And a slippery tile

Quick is the pace
The practice of none
Aged is the face
That's how they won

Winners and losers

My wife is like me, she didn't know what to do with her life...so she's a yoga teacher.  Loser.  My wife ended up marrying me and I can't give up dreaming.  Loser.  My wife had kids with me, which means, guessed it, I get to stay married to a yoga teacher! Winner.

My road

Another song for the dead mans walk
Another side road another nights talk
A mother has worries but she can't see
The real life hauntings inside of me
The road does wind and starts to fade
Along the edges there was a parade
The songs were sang in the tongue of Spanish
But now the faces have seemed to vanish
Alone with only the thoughts of fear
As the road does finally dissapear
I'm left here to find my way
It's all I've got to make the day

It's a good one

Gratitude to the sky
the look I get from your eye
the smile you send to me
the touch that sets me free
the passage of drunk to not
the look to see what I've got
the laughter from the thing you said
the calmness that surrounds my head
from dissapointment to the smile
from loosing to the thousanth mile

I'm funny again!

I'm sitting in a packed bar with an audience covered in silence. I'm going on last. The guy puts the least funniest person last. I hate the guy. I'm secluded in the back, alone in my head. The last time I was here I had panic attacks. I have an anxiety disorder. I'm the anxiety guy who likes to go on stage.

Ok scratch everything. I've been in a month long depression because I lost my comedy mojo. Now tonight no comedians were doing good. But...I got up there and killed! I've broken the curse. I'm funny again.

nothing again

again, again, again
Time
again, again, again
Hell
over and over and over
Home
over and over and over
Head
Thinking and thoughts and thinking
Twisted
Thinking and thoughts and thinking
Tired
Freak and shots and freaks
Inside
Freak and shots and freaks
Nothing
Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere
Nothing

Love mirage

The twist is where the balance is
If there's no twist it's too far right
Right turns are downward turns
Down is fast and the walk back up is slow
The walk up is painful on the legs
The twist
It heals the back
You need it
I need it
I need you
I need love
I chase it
It's hard to catch love
Stop the run
It stops too
The mirage again
Another love mirage
Find others to give it to
You think you don't have enough
But you have more than enough
Give the love
Then the mirage becomes a real home

half asleep poems rhyme

Too much weight
Night time reels
Time taken feels
All was great
Go there right
And leave today
Tired goes this way
That's your fight
Mines to hope
And not to frighten
The kitchen is lighten
Go there dope
It's the dope who does
Travel to the dreams
This is what seems
To loose my golden buzz

Don't make her mad

Trouble in the winter
But it's not much different than any other time
It's just problems while cold
Sometimes the cold becomes such a problem that I forget my real problems
But nothing can cover the issues in my stomach
Nothing fills that hole
Not all the snow in Tahoe
Not all the snow in Escobar's nose
My hat is falling
I'm not taking it off but it no longer wants me to wear it
This has nothing do with you lady
This is the lady inside
Don't cross her

Kill the animal if you want to live

The animals
we try to imitate
we try to conceal
we try to learn
we try to kill
we hate
we love
rolling
running
flying
fighting
jumping
dancing
fucking
I'm out in the fields
sweating
the sun
it's so hot
I'm sweating
I'm moving
my mind is numbing
the bugs
the wild
the untrainable
it's trainable
if you kill what's inside
kill the animal

My travelers

Me and my guy from across the sea
Travel with the rich that don't see me
It's a little like blindness but looking down
A smirk on the face of the kissing clown
Me and my girl from across the land
Travel like we're friends who can't understand
Kisses are old but the touches are good
And the feeling of it all is what's understood

It's crazy to stop lying

Bursts of anger
Out of the ocean of depression
And the sky of terror
The world is fucked through these lenses
I can hold it in to a point
But no one can seperate the sea
Unless you believe in lies
I'm unable to do it
And miserable because of it
Why can't I lie anymore?
I've tried lying to myself before
It was beautiful
It no longer works
Now all I'm left with is ramblings
From a crazy mind
One that can't lie anymore
The more you stop lying the crazier you get

The thing

Have you ever suddenly woke up because you were afraid you were leaving your body?
I have
A few times
Today it happened
I think I'm done
with what I don't know
If I knew that I'd tell you
But I think I'm done
Definitely done with something
What is it that I'm done with?
The thing that makes me feel so bad
I want to be done
I quit
Just tell me what that thing is
Then I quit for sure
But then the new thing comes
You know the new thing, right?
The new thing that makes you feel bad
There's always a new thing
There's never not a thing
I wish there was not a thing
But that's the messed up thing
There's always a thing
Quit one thing and up pops the next thing
If it's not one thing it's another
And that's life
Can you live by the rule's of life?
The rule that says there will always be a thing.
So if you try to remove the thing it gets bigger
If you leave the thing a new one comes
Are you supposed to accept the thing
I hate the thing
It makes me feel terrible
How can I accept it?
This is life

The circles of nowhere

I'm running
Slow at first
But I'm in movement
Sometimes it's good to move
Sometimes it's good to rest
I lay on the couch a lot in the attempt to relax
But all I really do is stress out about what I'm not doing
Then I start doing
I don't stop
I go
And go
Sometimes in circles
Then people get mad so I stop
Then I stress for not moving
So eventually I start up again
Repeat the steps and then people get mad
So I stop
Repeat
Again and again

These circles don't lead anywhere
I keep ending up where I started
What if we were in a fish bowl?
I feel that way
I can't change
No one can change
Unless their told
Or more likely forced

I get forced to leave my circle sometimes
Now I'm floating in space
Lost
The circle was grounding
I might have hated myself but at least I knew who I hated
I don't know anything now

Floating

My head is not good

I get these headaches
They're terrible
I felt fine yesterday
I did a comedy set at a bar last night
When I got off stage my head felt like it was going to explode
It felt like my brain was swollen and my skull was getting crushed
I couldn't sleep
I tried but my two boys have taken my place in the bed
I'm uncomfortable
I'm in pain
I'm not right
I go downstairs and just pace
Back and forth
I lay on the couch
I try to pinch my hand to see if that makes the pain in my head go away
It doesn't

I watch a movie about a guy who want's to follow his dream
And a girl who wants him to give it up
He chooses his dream
I finally get a couple hours of sleep on the couch
My wife wakes me and makes me tea

Life is confusing
And painful
And funny
And beautiful

Some air please

The breathing is weird
Is it rapid?
It's the shallow breaths
Breath through your stmomach
Not the chest
Hold in all the air you can
Get faint
Get dizzy
Get fried
Stop
The breath is gone
I'm gone
I can't breath
I'll give you anything for a breath
One breath
Just some fresh air

I thought I was human

Someone hit me in the face
At least throw something in my face
Maybe some food?
Scratch that
I shove enough food in my face already
Slap me
Pinch me
Tackle me
Tickle me?
Just touch me
I don't think I can feel
I'm numb
Can I feel?
Am I here?
Am I real?
Am I a robot?
What if I'm a robot who just realized he's a robot?
It's that moment that the robot, who thinks he's human
And then finds out that he's a robot
That moment is terrible
I think I'm having that moment
I thought I was human
It was so real
But I'm not
I'm a fucking robot
Fuck!
I knew there was something wrong
But I never thought it was this

I guess there's nothing left to do but to log off the mainframe

Still here

Living the side
Skating the thing line
The thin surface
The ice
The possible tragedy
The webs
The lies
The moments of true
The smiles
The slams

It's still going
It's not ending
I'm here
Here
Still

Ride the ride

It feels so good when it's hear
How long can I stay?
I'm so close and it's near
What stands in my way?
Hit the bag and don't hold back
Stand the frame tall
Pull the line free from slack
Stand inside it all
Walk the door
Through the tide
To the core
Ride the ride

In her arms

When you get back into her arms there's nothing like it
The feeling of coming home after being lost is beyond comforting
When you loose something and then find it you know what you now have
What was once just there is now everything, it's my heart
I don't want to lie and when I'm in her arms I'm in the blanket of truth
Warm
Protected
I love her arms

But still I leave, I have to go out
I get lost, for longer
It's colder
I loose more and more of myself
I hurt myself
But I found home again
I want to bring her arms with me
I want to bring home with me

Everywhere I go I want to be at home
In her arms

The race must end

These headaches are too much
so much so I can't even touch
the one that's close
the one I love
it hurts the most
when I'm thinking of
the plans in my mind
the impossible kind
the one to conquer the world
that one makes me hurt
as much as I love the girl
I'm covered in dirt
so now it's the pain
inside of my brain
I've got to get clear
to get to that place
if feels so near
I'm ending the race

Normal is the lie

What if normal is denial?
What if everyone who is seemingly normal are great at avoiding the truth?
What if the guy who seems crazy isn't crazy?
What if he is just unable to lie?
What if the truth makes you crazy?
The ultimate truth.
Maybe the ultimate truth is unknowable.
But in order to be normal you can't even try to know.
The second you think about these things you're sense of wellness is gone.

I can't keep the lie going.
My walls of lies are tearing down.
Of the world.
Of my world.
I can't live the lie and it's driving me crazy.

I guess I'll let go

Before the mornig terror hits
Unless you're woken up by it
There's a moment of peace
A breif glimpse of hope?
Or maybe there's a mirage
Either way, it's a well lit room
I like those
The moment before the walls cave in
it's usually when things are the best
Right before your world crashes in around you
it's hard to enjoy these moments when you become aware of the pattern
then one day you find out that patterns are bullshit
then you truly are lost
is there any choices left at this point?
I guess I'm gonna let go...if that's an option.

The feeling of fall

The danger of fear seems so real at first
then I breath and realize nothing has changed
the feeling of dying seems the worst
and the feeling of falling's unreal and strange

I went on the ride, I'm the one who stood in this line
i don't collide, but I feel it in my spine

the fall without the slam gets me every time.

Further than ever

Life's blackness
The heart of never
Slack in the pull
Cracks in the pavement
The basement is cold
Wet, drips of green
Turnstiles of hate
Turning plates in the sea
Rust on the machine
Frozen ache
Hells button
Fire of the haunt
Panic of the level
None is too much
It gets deeper always
It runs further

Confessing nonsense

Headaches and drums
Added up sums
Running from the toll
And coming up with coal
Frightening praise
An irreverent phase
Awful noise there
Something forces a stare
Leaving the cryptic note
Throwing up on the boat
Trampling the night
Singing so tight
Upstairs lies the frown
Downstairs lives the gown
Taken to perform
From cold to warm
After is the mess
Jesus does confess

Who has the time to try?

New nightmares
Same as the old ones
Less scary after you've seen the movie
New alarm clock
Works the same
Except alarm clocks stop working when you start to not care
Fuck it let me sleep
What's real?
Is your life real?
You don't know molecules!
You don't know the ultimate paradox!!
You don't know of the sacred!!!
The place that is but a glimpse of a word that means nothing
A sign post
The sign post is not enlightenment
It is only a sign post
I've made a home out of sign posts
Now I can't leave
Unless I try
And who has the time for that!

I'm allergic to reality

I hate reality
Please keep it away from me
It's just that I'm allergic to it
If I swallow it my throat swells up and I can't breath
I have a condition where I could die if given too much reality
There's people out there that want to see me dead
People that want to poison me
With their reality
I need a taster
The king needs a taster
I can't risk someone slipping reality into my food
Just the thought of tasting reality is making me nauseous
I might puke

All I'm saying is this:

If you want to get real, don't even talk to me

Let's rekindle the flame universe

Him - "What are you doing Saturday night?"
Her - "Committing suicide."
Him - "What about Friday night?"

Name that movie

I'm tired.  It's my theme.  For how long will my eye lids weigh me down like this?  Getting close yet so far.  Our lips.

When do I get to make out with the universe again?  It's been so long.  Come on baby let's rekindle the flame.

It's all ocean

Pointless, meaningless words
These are purely words to make a quota
A rant to noone
For no one's ears (Or eyes)
My heart is fading in and out
Along with my soul
Part of me has left the building
My inside feels like druggy Elvis
I like food to help with avoidence
Avoid the void
The hole
The bottomless hole
I'm throwing stuff in there
Where's the land
All I see is ocean

Blind mention of shadows

There's nothing more to say that hasn't been mentioned
Nothing to bring to the surface, no new message
I'm bringing no heat
No furnace in my person
No fire to bring you
No tools to lend
No signals of improvement
Nothing that says this is good
No female perspective
Life is drawn
It's the artists perspective
Take the town by land
By sea

Memorize the lines
Or don't
Live with the choice
Or live by the hand in the sky

Holding time is wishing on a cloud
How lame is the structure?
How was the time of pension?
How is your son?

You don't know

The fence of terror

The layers they tear
on the night of the scare
we're awaiting in dress
for terror, no less
It's your hand that I hold
as the night brings the cold
the waiting brings fear
as the time gets near
why do we arm? There is no defense
yet we wait and stand on the fence

My movie update

First I tried to be a rock star.  Then I got sober.  Then I got married.  Then I sat on the couch and watched TV.  Then I tried to be a millionaire.  Then I ruined the economy.  Then I tried to replace Conan O'brien.

After that plan failed I wrote a movie script and set out to join the feature film makers club.  Where am I in the process of movie making?

As I said I have a script.  The script is a Bromance, a cheater movie.  30 characters in all but only 6 main characters.  The movie has been cast, except for the heavy metal band.  I've had two read throughs with the actors. 

My first camera man was taking forever to get together with me for the test shots.  He didn't have a car.  His brother was supposed to go to jail for a few months, which would mean he could use his brother's car.  We were really hoping the brother would head off to the slammer but unfortunately for me the camera man's brother's judge was lenient on him and there was no jail time in the sentence.

Then one of my main actors got his 2nd and 3rd drunk driving arrest within a week.  He had to go to jail for a few months.  Isn't life just like that?  The one you need in jail never goes and the one you need out of jail always ends up in the can.

Then there's the matter of my co-star.  I wrote the part for my best friend Ryan.  And wouldn't you know it, he doesn't want to be a movie star.  I asked my surfer friend if he would play the role and he was honored and said yes.  We did a read through and all went well.  Then he came to his senses and felt it was too much of a time commitment.

Then I offered the part to my wife.  It was going to change the movie from a Bromance to a I don't know what.  But my wife and I have chemistry.  My wife wants to be a star but doesn't want to practice and also doesn't particularly like me directing her.  I sensed this.

I thought of my comedian friend from Hollywood and asked him.  He read the script and said he's in.  After two weeks he said I should do a web series.  I said I'm set on making a feature and he said he quits.

Then I hired my wife to play the role again.  Once again she started saying that she doesn't want to get in a fight over her not doing a good enough job.  We started going to therapy so I figured that at least we could discuss it with the therapist and maybe it will be a good thing.

Then an idea came to me to ask my friend Adam to play the role of Ryan.  I asked my other friend David if he felt I should ask Adam to play the role of Ryan.  David said no, Adam's too busy.  I told Adam that David told me not to ask him to play the part of Ryan and Adam said that's not true, I'll do it.  Then I told David to go fuck himself.  (Just kidding, kind of.)  David has a small part in the movie and maybe he just wanted a bigger part.

So now I have the actors.  All I need now is a sound guy,  a camera guy, and a producer.

I had a job driving RV's for a relay race from San Francisco to San Diego for challenged athletes.  On this trip I met an Italian from Venice named Frederico.  Frederico knocked up a girl, who was visiting Italy at the time, and now he's trapped in Orange County with a wife and a baby.  Turns out that Frederico has some experience behind the camera.  He used to take tasteful nude pictures of women until his wife put a stop to that.  After some prying I learned that it's his dream to make a movie.  His favorite actress is Julia Roberts.  That's not exactly what I had in mind but the sound of having an Italian cinematographer trumps everything.

I have a drunk friend who's a musician.  This guy knows audio.  He's living off unemployment so he already has his base income taken care of.  He also lives with his mom, who wants him out of the house.  Working on a movie gives him just that opportunity.

Now all I have to do is practice with the actors, coordinate schedules, get money from my rich friends for a couple sound cards, external hard drives, a steadicam, and some meal money, storyboard the film, and start filming.

That sounds easy enough.  Right?

That's where I am now, I'll try to keep you posted.

Duke

The slip sign means turn

Slipping
I've said this is the time
Slipping
This is the sign post
As soon as a slip appears it's time
Grab on for your life
When the slip first appears you have time
Just grab on to something
Turn around and run the other direction
You know to do this
I didn't say it was easy
Just turn around!
Now
I don't care if you're tired.
Turn
Grab on to something or someone
There's fire at the end of this slope
Not the kind that keeps you warm
The kind that kills you
Turn
The sign has presented itself
Wake up!

Sleepy stones

Tired
My mind got fired
Sleep
Stuff I can't keep
Hold
I'm stuck in the cold
Endeaver
This trips taking forever
Lying
It hides me from dying
Closed
Don't leave me exposed
Lips
They're wanting your tips
Such
I'm wanting the touch

Tonight I bombed

I bombed tonight.  It never feels good to bomb.  One thing I've learned is that I'm a crowd has to pay attention type comic.  If everyone is talking in a bar I can't get up there with my low, awkward energy and expect to command to attention of the bar.  I refuse to just start yelling in the mic to try to "amp up the crowd".  That's not my comedy.

I can try to engage with the audience somewhat, but when they are across the room it's difficult.  As a comic you get judged very quickly.  People decide in the first few seconds whether they like you or not.  Tonight they decided to talk.  Fuck.

Solution to a bad gig: get up as soon as possible.  I have my open mic tomorrow.  I'll get up and shake it off.  Each time I get up there my soul turns a little darker.  One day my soul will become completely black and I won't give a fuck about anything.  This will be the day I can be a true comic.

Hangry monster 2

Hangry monster was mad. He kicked the wall. He tried to leave the room but his foot was stuck in the wall. So he got even more mad and he punched the wall. Now his foot and his hand were stuck in the wall. He said, "I want to get out of this room!" and then he tore the wall off and walked into the kitchen.

His mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner. She said, "Hangry monster, are you feeling ok?"

Hangry monster said, "How do you think I'm feeling? I'm mad!"

His mom said, "I cooked your favorite meal, robot soup."

Hangry monster quickly ate the soup and felt much better. Now he could shoot lasers from the robots. He shot the rest of the wall off with lasers, then he was free. He went outside and started shooting more lasers and now he was happy, because he ate something.

The End

The roller coaster

You really don't know which way it's gonna go
The tides up and then it's low
One minute the sky is full of stars
The next your stuck in the midst of the cars
He says yes but later says no
two goods then two bads in a row
With good news you celebrate
then you slip from love to hate
The roller coaster rolls inside
It's you that took this ride
The line was long and you did wait
Don't complain, it's a chosen fate
So when the next good news arrives
Hold on tight the coaster dives
Just the same for when it's bad
Something comes to move the sad
Get off the ride and watch the show
Then remember when next time you go

Keep the search to the sacred

In your words you stand at the helm
but never a glimpse of the sacred realm
this is not something one can speak
you ignore that part regarding the meek
I stand with him during the storm
I need not the world to keep me warm
you hide inside the shell
with claims that all is well
but it's silence that you turn away
as you preach the words of a sunny day
but seeing beyond I look right through
I look inside and where are you?
You've built around all that's right
and lost the love from your sight
it's not easy but not too late
turn the mask to love from hate
just like you I don't know
but searching is the place I go

Truth disarms

I used to worry but now I see
The old is still alive
The young can not be
Yet this is what we strive?
I've seen the place
The story told
The wrinkled face
Of weathered old
The life was there
The will to live
Energetic care
A thought to give
Inside is all fire
Glory to the man
Abandoning the liar
Picking up the plan
To you my sir I walk
I choose your path to trudge
The truth inside your talk
Disarms all that I judge

No disclaimers

Once more I'm too tired for words but fuck it, I write.  Just type numbnuts.  Don't think or debate.  I hate it when people ruin my life because they have to over analyze every little detail.  Why?  Just do it.  Just finish the race.  Analyze after not before.

God, I'm tired.  Falling asleep as I write.

I learned something, just because someon is an asshole the first time you meet them doesn't mean he's a dick.  Circumstances. 

Just no excuses. No disclaimers.

What do you

What do you do?
It haunts me
unoficial super glue
it taunts me
an answer lost
thought its save
couldn't cover cost
and the look they gave

Schmucks and Pricks

This is a paraphrase of Larry David.

Larry David was once poor. For many years he was broke, into his forties. He used to walk around New York city, look at little alcoves, and think to himself that alcove would be a nice place to live when he becomes homeless. He was poor, and when you're poor you're a schmuck. That what he was, a poor schmuck.

Then one day he landed the deal for Seinfeld, the best comedy of all time. Larry David was the genuis behind Seinfeld and that has become crystal clear ever since Curb your enthusiasm has aired. His Seinfeld deal is worth over one and a half billion dollars. All of a sudden Larry David is rich.

Rich people are pricks and poor people are schmucks. Overnight Larry David went from a poor Schmuck to a rich prick. Because rich people are pricks they really can't hang out with Schmucks. Larry went out and got a bunch of prick friends. Every once in a while a Schmuck will give him a call but the truth is; schmucks and pricks can't be friends.

I'm a schmuck but I want so bad to be a prick.

Never shown

Night time torments and underlying freedom spells of death and purgery along with the task of down time.  Leave me to sulk in the madness.  Leave the bargaining table, the deal is off.  What you are arguing for, it's gone.  Talk to your god now.  Keep the peace. You can't.  Solve the issue of guilt.  This you will never do but the voices truck you.  They hide what you can never be shown.  Trip.

Strange change

Sometimes it's seeming never change
Then one day it all gets strange
All the same of what did seem
wakes me to a lucid dream
open eyes the day is hear
the moment leaves of boring fear
beauty takes the former space
and thinks not what it did replace
ups and down still on the ride
just this time it's oceans tide
filling lack and all the time
spent with love and all that's mine

Disintegrating into authenticity

The spark appeared
This started the flame
It's never gone out
I'm still lit
I tried to start a big fire
To turn others on
It happenned for a little but the flame didn't catch
I had to return to the source
Don't let the fire go out
Don't let my fire go out
I abondoned the rest to secure my own
This became important to me
I have to focus on my fire
Now I'm bringing heat
Others are starting to get warm
Let's get lit!

Seeking the true

A seeker of true
changing what's there
who are you?
which way do you stare?
This is what's seen
when you look inside
answers seem mean
if you have lied
true to the seek
this is the way
follow the freak
he's leaving today
one step and you're in
direction is cast
let meaning begin
first slow before fast
more I won't tell
it's path is for you
your soul never sell
just seek what is true

You got mad at me

You changed me
Then you got mad at me for changing
You made me impotent
Then you got mad at me for being impotent
You told me to lie
Then you got mad at me for lying
You told me not to be me
Then you got mad at me for not being me

Now I don't know who I am
You're mad at me for that

You told me to find out who I am
Then you got mad when I found out

Hold it then go

I got up twice
It's alright
Looked not so good
But gave it an I could
Music started up
Made them drink a cup
And all was good
With my I could
I did that
Hit the bat
Swung the cat
Ate the fat
All in
more sin
Love bin
oiled tin
Filled treat
Greet and meet
Scan tron cheat
Walking feet
Still a dream
A better team
or machine
Then my winning gleam
I'm on it
I lawn sit
Hold it
Now go

The path is open

For what seemed like forever the path was closed. The destination was difficult to make it to. You had to risk your health and break the rules to get there. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, the path is opened. It's an easy path. No rules to be broken, no one to piss off, no health risk, just an easy path.

This is my life. I see the destination but the path is sometimes closed. I still go there. I get hurt on the way and break rules that get others upset, but I still go. Then one day they open up easy street? What the fuck!

I'm taking the path today and I'm just gonna cruise. I'm gonna appreciate it too. I can't stand the other way. I love a clear, clean, easy path.

Monk and Stunk

Monk hit Stunk with his fireball
Then stunk ran away and bonked his head on a tree
Stunk then came back to fight Monk
Stunk turned into a ball and rolled into Monk
Then Monk bonked his head on a tree
Monk also came back to keep fighting Stunk
Monk threw another fireball at Stunk and Stunk jumped over it
Then Stunk turned into a ball and ran over Monk
This time Monk died
Monk turned into stone
Stunk walked up to the stone and tapped the bottom
Monk came back alive

The End

By Indiana Fightmaster

Shawnky and Tonky

Once upon a time there was a super hero called Shawnky. Tonky came up to Shawnky and threw fire. Shawnky said,"I don't care about fire." and he hit Tonky. Then another person that wasn't a superhero whose name was Sashi came. Sashi turned into an egg and then he threw an egg at Tonky. Then Fonky came and breathed fire at Shawnky. Then Sabado came and he used his special power which let him fly an shoot people. He shot Tonky. Then Qwondo ate Fonky and breathed fire at Sashi. Then Donkey came and trapped Qwondo in a triangle and kept hitting him. Then Mongantic came and got really big and he exploded. Then everyone went home.

The end

By Stone Pablo

Get high

I know how to get high
The good kind of high
Where your body tingles all over
And you feel warm on the inside
Then I start to feel glad that I'm alive
Things start to make sense

I should get high like this more often
Why don't I?
It's one of those highs that you forget about
You forget how good it felt until you do it again
I want to get addicted to this high
But I can't
At least not yet
Sometimes I avoid it
But I know it feels good
I wish I would just always stay high

Don't won't

Sleepwalk writing machine
time warp lighting feind
night lapse on through
friends of you know who
sure thing bet
holding what you get
hill roll tops
strong towel hops
no game end
time to spend
don't won't

Then laugh

It started funny
Then I got serious
Then It wasn't funny
Then it was kind of funny
Then it's just funny again

I think I'm becoming myself
That's all I want
And money and stuff
And a happy wife
And time with the kids

And a lot of laughs
And I want to make a movie
And then make another

And then more laughs

And then I want to meditate
Then I want to become a friend
Then I want to have a friend

Then I want to make love with my wife
Then I want to be at peace

Then I want to be funny again
Then I want to have the tools to not be depressed
Then more laughing

Steve Jobs - A great man

When I read the news I got sad
A little teary eyed
Why?
I didn't know you
But I guess I related to you
I saw a little of you in me
Maybe I wish I was you
Or maybe I wish I could be like you
That's not a bad direction to go
People stole from you
But you still were the winner in the end
You were an explorer
I like that
I've always enjoyed an adventure
This was your life
You took acid
I took acid
You then became rich and famous
I didn't

Worlds in collision

It's not a paradox
But when I'm going up I go down
It's a universal truth
Everytime
It's parallel universes
Separate worlds in collision
Pulling me apart
There's the world I want
And then there's the world I want
You say the words
But the subtext says I don't care enough
That's the thing
You have to care
And you have to care so much that you don't care

This is when you can move your worlds
Get me a Uhaul
I'm ready to move
And I care so much that I don't give a fuck anymore

Songs are easier

Comedy is by far more 
You say you love the tunes
But the man who shows his core
Has suffered many moons
To sing is not a joke
Your heart must somewhat ring
But the man who only spoke
Faces death before the king

I remember your voice
My heart did drop
there wasn't a choice
but to just stop
we sang the song
all the way to the end
right through wrong
right into friend

now I'm telling laughs for nothing and I won't get good until my heart dies

Wake me up gently

I'm tired as fuck
I cleaned my home this morning and tonight it's trashed
A week ago my 7 year old burned his hand on the curling iron
Today my 4 year old wanted to see what it felt like
He found out
A lot of crying
He likes ice now
In the last month I've spent over 30 hours watching rescue me
In the last couple days I watched season three of breaking Bad
My head isn't screwed on straight
I'm tired
I procrastinated all day on my writing
And my yoga
But I had time for two episodes of season 4 Breaking Bad and two episodes of rescue me
And I had time for a bunch of candy, ice cream and cookies
A lot of time
How does one screw their head on straight?
I'm broke
I don't have a job
Because I'm not a pussy
All I have is something that I'm running from
Or maybe I'm running towards it
It's alluding me
The stick and the carrot
They keep appearing and dissapearing
Wake me up...please

...But do it gently

My mission statement

What's my mission statement? Half the time I'm checked out, just going through the motions, definitely not thinking about my purpose or mission in life or whatever activity I'm engaged in. But I want one. I want to move forward in life. I don't want to always be a middle aged open miker who can't support his family. I want to do some shit and I want to feel good about doing it. I used to spend a lot of time wondering if I'd ever meet my wife and start a family. Ok, put a check in that box. The wife thing, check. The kid thing, done it.

Now all I have to do is be a good husband and a good father. Sounds easier than it is. It occured to me one day that I can't be either a good Dad or Husband if I'm not true to myself. How can you set a good example if you're lovig a lie? I knew I had to be living the truth if I was ever going to be the husband or dad I wanted to be. The problem was my foundation to life was faulty. I had to tear the whole thing down.

It's tough to be a good Dad and Husband when your family is living in a demolition zone. This is where we've been residing. Whenever you start a constuction process they say to expect it to be double the money and twice as long as the contractor quotes you. I'm far in this thing but at least I feel like a strong cement ground level foundation has been poured.

Wives and families don't give a fuck about foundations. They don't understad what it means to be a man. All they want is a warm place to sleep, a big bed and granite counter tops. Like I said we're sleeping on cement. The family is not happy with Dad. But still I'm doing what I think I have to do to be a man. Sometimes the man has to be a man whether his family understands or not.

I too am feeling like I overextended myself. What if this strong foundation I'm building never gets a house built on top of it? I don't want that to happen but these fearful thoughts are coming into my head. These thoughts will hopefully serve to motivate me. Now is not the time to rest on my laurels. Back to the mission statement. I'm in the middle of a bunch of rubble. I'm covered in dust. Sometimes I get overwhelmed an I don't know what to do. This is where I need a mission statement. A statement that tells me if I'm headed in the right direction.

Statement: To support my wife and family through my creativity.

My creativity I my personal truth. I need to follow this path if I'm ever going to be a real man. Only by becoming a real man can I be a true example to my kids and husband to my wife. Whenever I am stuck I can ask myself, "Is what I'm doing now going to help me support my family through my creativity?" If the answer is yes I proceed and if it is no I change my direction. Right now I am writing, opening the creative door. My answer now is yes.

So far I haven't figured out how to support my family through masturbation. Until then I change directions.

the un-figure-out-able

My mind is an antenna
Nothing is permanent here
My consciousness is
When my mind turns off I lose reception
It's not lights off
That thought doesn't do anything for me
The antenna thought does
It does everything for me
This is a piece of the puzzle
It makes me feel better
I need this, just like the born again dude needs church
Time to live now that I don't have to figure out the un-figure-out-able

When I froze

This is for the one who holds my love
I can't reach, you keep it high above
Locked into the box I sit and stare
Shadows cover all that was once there
I'm holding on to sand
Slipping in the land
Of dreams
Taking all the keys
In a way that no one sees
It seems
Where did my surfing seem to go?
Watching waves high up on the bluff
I left my constant need to know
Now I'm froze with all the other stuff

Where can I buy a new me?

I'm running into the wall again.  Nothing to say, a blank mind.  I wish the issue was that my mind was empty, free of all thoughts.  It's true that I sit here and want to write something as my mind only shoots blanks, but the fact is I have too much going on in there.  I think I have too many viruses in my mind.  The virus has spread and the result is a crashed hard drive.  Yes I think that's what my mind is right now, a frozen computer. 

It's similar to a blank mind, they almost look the same.  It's like looking at a computer that's frozen and one that's asleep.  At first glance they might both look like they're asleep.  The only difference is when you move the mouse on the sleeping computer it wakes up and gives you access to the many files it stores and the millions of reachable files from the web.  The frozen computer does nothing.

I'm moving the mouse of my brain right now and nothing is coming.  It's frozen.  The hard drive was too full and now it's worthless.  How do you fix a frozen computer?  The first step is usually to turn it off and back on.  How do I turn my brain off?  Does anyone know where the plug is on these brains?  I can't find mine.

Another solution is to buy a new computer.  Does anyone know where I can get a new me?  I'd really love to pick one up.

no cry lullaby

Mountain time, soft unwind, turpentine, flashing mine
For sale, in jail, don't fail, long tail
Jazz mount, long count, curled hair, numbing care
Stretching fur, lapsing stir, manly cure, inside lure

Softly down, loudly clown, frozen ground, nothing found

Sitting gaze, things amaze, in this phase
That's why, no cry, lullaby

I need to figure out

I've got to figure it out
Then I need to figure out if I figured it out
That's gonna take a lot of figuring out
Don't you figure?
They say every cell in your body regenerates every seven years.
I'm different than I was twenty years ago
There's still some residue from that old guy
But the truth is I don't know him
I've got to figure this shit out

My therapist said the words he heard were
"dead on the inside"
and "cornered by life"
those are my sentences
what if there isn't a way out?
nothing to figure out
That's what I need to figure out

Dead

I'm dead
It's better that way
I was dying and that sucked
But now that I'm dead it kind of feels good
You can float when you're dead
You're responsibilities are way different than alive
It's more fun when you're dead
It's like you're alive
It's fun
Funny
It's definitely not scary
It used to be scary
For nothing
What a waste of time
dead

rambles to home

Time through the glass
Closing the eyes
Up through the fast
And the one final tries
Again and again
Is the only past
Remember the friend
Who's standing at last
Holding the horn
The music did blow
Get yourself born
Before you do go
Hits on the stove
Down in the trench
Walking the grove
Avoiding the stench
Writing the songs
Seeing the touch
Correcting the wrongs
And sliding the clutch

To home
a home
Any home
Make it mine

I just have a hammer

It falls apart
I try to hold it together
It's crumbling
It's changing
It's disheartening
It's disappearing
It's shattered

I have everything I need
Everything I want
It's staring me in the face

It's not enough
It should be
It could be

I'm not looking at the miracle
But it's looking at me
It is me
It's in me
It abounds me

Help
I say to the sky
The sky is quiet
The answer is silence

Everytime
The silence makes my ears ring
My blood is loud
It rushes through my body

I fear it to stop
These thoughts
I used to change them
The change has gone
The mortar has set in

Break it
Take the hammer
This is my only tool I have left

Get it gone and turn on

Everything
It's all gotta go
Don't ask her
She'll say no
Just listen
To your gut
Do this now
Then make the cut
Everything
Make it gone
You don't need it
You need to turn on

The thirst to leave

Brick walls
Endless halls
Mixing talls
Over falls
Leading down
Bleeding frown
Believing clown
Deceiving drown
Money's gone
love is wrong
Fading lawn
Dreamful pawn
Just to fly?
If not die?
And asking why
is dumb to try?
Forgetting thought
It's all you've got
To think what not
Is all forgot
Walk from hell
Don't try and tell
Forget the spell
Or when you fell
Just get the turn
Away from burn
It's what to learn
Before adjourn
Step the first
It's the worst
But soon the thirst
To leave the cursed

Next and now - the paradox

The paradox of now and next
I need to stay now
I need to get next
Now is everything
What's now is not enough
I must live now
But today's now becomes tommorrow
I need to stay in today
I see so many is yesterday
Like a dream
I need to leave the dream
I need to still dream
I'm ready for next
This moves me
I need to move
I need to turn
Every scene needs to turn

I want this for you

It's what I want to give you
But the giving is hard
It's what I want for you
But it's too tough for love
Not now can I be here
Not now can I sing
It's later when the gold is seen
It's later in the dream
It's what I want for you
But I know it's right for me
Something that easily slips
Yet it stands in front so clean
I want it now
That's my downfall
I want the taste
I want to forget
I want to avoid the pain
The knots are tied
My stomach crawls
The spiders live
Inside these walls
My web is deep
That part can't move
The web is strong
And the life is growing weak
I want this for you
Not that
I want what I know is true
I want that for you
I want it to

I wish I knew what to do

I wanted you so bad
I didn't know how to go about it
Then I learned how
I was taught
Or maybe I read a book
Then I used the knowledge
I got you
It was good
Then I let you go
I was just ok then
Next I wanted her
Did the same thing
Got her
Let her go
Then I was just ok
At this point I wanted you back
I knew what to do
I remembered everything from the book
But I didn't want to do it
It was too much work
I didn't get you
Then I got depressed
I used to wish I knew what to do
Then I learned
Now I know and don't want to do it
Now I want another
I wish I knew what to do
I swear I would do it
And then I'll get it
And then I'll let it go
Then I'll be just ok
Then I'll want it back
But I won't want to do what it is I have to do
Repeat cycle

I do really wish I knew for this new thing

Wherever I am

It's always the best place
It's the place I wanted
Wherever I live
It's better than anywhere
Yoga
Jujitsu
Surfing
Sun
Friends
Cool people
Music
Film
Laughing
History
Love

365 days today

One year
Every day for one year
365 days...in a row

The seeker needs order
The creator needs order

The walker needs a path
I've been walking the path

One year

Everyday I write
Every day I do my yoga
I meditate
I enter the realm

365 days

This is my path
I choose
I want order in my life
I want to create
I want to be a vessel

It's my habit
My replacement
My path

Where does it lead?
It's my life
I'm reckless with my order
I don't want to loose it

I'm following the signs
Building the road
Opening the doors

The wash to be

Tired body sleep
The day is long
The attempted leap
Has taken the strong
Eyes close to dark
The astral has awoke
This walk to the park
With ghostly folk
Limits reason
Here on earth
Clear this season
Here comes the birth
This is crazy
In their eyes
They see lazy
When this thing dies
What was knowing
In the minds
Was not glowings
Only blinds
Walk the fear
It's only smoke
It seems so near
That's the joke
Keep the path
Seek the tree
Take the bath
the wash to be

Comedy and being yourself

When I first started doing comedy I was getting laughs for being awkward.  I threw myself down self conscious alley and soon it became a crutch.  The thing is, in the beginning you need to get the laughs, this is the most import thing.  Once you figure out how to get the laughs you can start to tweak things.  It still sucks having to rely on a crutch.  I remember I used to want to wear a certain shirt that I thought was a little nerdy and tuck it in just to get the awkward feel going.

The worst part is when you start trying to be yourself but you can't because you're using crutches.  It's kind of like when Forrest Gump was learning how to run with leg braces on.  That's exactly where I am in my comedy right now, I'm trying to run and I'm wearing leg braces.  Hopefully they'll break off and if I'm lucky enough I'll be able to run and not just fall on my face.

Unfortunately I think that falling on my face might be in the cards for me.  This is comedy.  I have a little chunk of my act that really just feels like me talking.  It's like I'm breathing fresh air.  I'm starting to see that I might be able to actually do comedy and be myself at the same time.  This is my goal.

Tonight I'm performing in Costa Mesa at the Westside Bar and Grill, my goal is to relax and have fun.  I'm bringing an old friend "Dealer's Choice" on stage to play guitar and sing behind me.  I'm ready to rock!  And laugh (hopefully).

Love in the rough

"You're doing science in your mind right now!  You're doing science in your mind and the science says,'I get a playdate!'" - Stone Fightmaster

I live with the smiles
I live for the whiles
I trudge the miles

And you're a broken mold

All of the heart
All that's smart
Way off the chart

We're in the fold

Taken from grace
Filling the space
blinding like mace

You come and you wake

From start to end
You're brother's friend
The feels you send

Mine for the take

Thank you
I love you know matter what

Split and shattered

Late for life
the time has passed
the alarm is broke
I've slept through madness
I've awakened to pain
all the memory is what's avoided
I looked to hope and found it dying
I threw my rage unto the wall
my girl just missed the senseless anger
pointless is the surface facts
I stepped back in
and was placed on the rails
I'm relying on something that holds
it's not slipping or disheartening
my medicine must be taken
surfing the wave of untold signs
I stand
I fall
I break
I feel
until I'm split and then shattered

The lonely crowd

The explorer who doesn't find
the traveler who sits
the discoverer who sees nothing new
the writer who stares
the skater who stands
the surfer who's dry
the quiet singer
the thirsty drinker
the lonely lover
the boring inspiration
the loud meditation
the crowded silence

I'm you

but I'm also me

today I partake

Surf the wave

The ocean is what I use for my template
I believe a lot of what the girl says
There's a few holes in the story and people want to throw it all out
Not me
I think there's vibrations
We can't see them
Sometimes I feel them
I think thoughts can create them
I can put it out in the universe
It's like learning to surf
You need a healthy fear of the ocean
It can fuck you up
And it does
Innocent people
That one dude got bitten in half
There's monsters living in there
But if you pay attention
And respect the rules
You can get on the vibration
You can hit it on a good day
Every day is different
You can surf the waves
That's just the beginning
You can add style
You can get inside
You can get high
At the same time that it can fuck you up
It can awaken your spirit
Learn the rules
Learn the vibe
Surf the wave

Where's my stories

It seems like there's a million
I used to love and listen to the greats
Laughing was always my favorite
I want to tell them but they seem to have dissapeared
I'm looking back and I don't see much
Just a bunch of dirt in the air
What's the big deal?
Why is this so difficult?
We were a group
Why did they want to leave?
They didn't
I want to bring the dead to life
I want to bring my Dad back to life
I don't want him to get drunk
Or yell
Or leave
Or die
Where did the stories go?
Why can't I tell them?
Or can I?
I wasn't born with the gift
Not the whole gift
Half
The other half is work
That's where I am
Everyday

Trying hurts others

I'm back
I went there again
All signs say to avoid this door
But I opened it
My computer crashed
I was poking at the center of the mainframe
the system was about to blow
then everything went dark

why can't I look?
Why does my harddrive fail?
Why does everyone pretend this door isn't there
I want to open it again
It's all I used to think about
I went to the doctor
I took the prescription and it worked
I've lost the doctors number
he doesn't want me to look
it hurts him
I don't want to hurt the doctor
I like him
but I hurt him when I try to see

Read the signs

The signs can only be seen if you look
If you know how to read
It's a cycle
You can read these things but only if you want to see
Most people choose not to see
It's too much work
The ironic thing is that people value work
Just not the kind that means anything in the end
I don't want to fall
This is why I'm learning to read
This is another art that must be learned through practice
Slipping
There's signs of slippage long before the fall
Look for slips
The slips themselves are not the fall
The slips are the signs
The slips are telling you to turn
To grab on to something turning
To charge back
To higher ground
You don't have to fall
But to not fall you have to read the signs

Like the beach

My creation is like the beach
My work is for today
Only my insides get to keep rewards
my outsides can become beautiful
this can be swept away with the tide
sometimes it's high
sometimes it's low
remember the formation is constantly on the move
I can create beauty for a day
the tide takes it away and recreates it's own
all I have are the lessons
the muscle memory
work the muscle of this memory
I can become incredible
I can also die
respect
observe
play
practice
build
have fun

Adhere to the signs

The signs are good
The phone's not ringing for the wrong reasons
This is a good sign
I'm entering back into the world of the living
Through the wall of pain
This is the only way
This direction is a good sign
I've found a key to the lock of my passion
I've waited for this with no luck
The signs are changing right now
The girl is smiling
This is allways good
Look for the signs
Pay attention
Adhere

Where am I going?

Sometimes the stars do align
Sometimes you hit a sweet spot
Sometimes all in the world is right
Sometimes, for a brief moment, you can be king
Tonight was this moment for me.
I thought I was going to drive off a cliff
But I turned the crowd around instantly and had them eating out of my hand
Some things you can't fake
The guy before me knows this too well
The belly laughs were not the phantom laughs sometimes heard by open mic-ers
I've heard those before and tonight they were real.
As long as you're not counting the mean looking lady in the corner of the room
She didn't crack a smile
She abhorred me, I could sense this
I have this affect on certain types of people
I have a quality in me that can turn a completely, seemingly composed man into a basket case
The teacher in high school went home in tears
I can lead
But like Matt Dillon's older bother in Rumblefish told him
"If you're going to lead you need some place to go."
Where am I going?  This has become my question.

Choose something to beleive in

I thought the pill would work
No, scratch that
I believed in the pill
I believed it to the core of my being
I knew for a fact that the pill would work
So I took it
And guess what?
It did
It worked like a fucking charm
I got high
I got connected
I became part of the orderly direction of the universe
In fact the universe began to rearrange itself for me

One day I stopped taking the pill
I learned that it wasn't really working
That's what someone told me and I believed them
Fuck that pill
The universe took a look at me and said, "Fuck you!"
I was fucked
Everything went to shit

I wanted my universe back
I took the pill
I didn't believe it would work
And it didn't
The universe was still fucking me
I wasn't on the beam

Brainwashing group think bullshit worked for me
Then I didn't want to be a zombie
This is my thinking
I wanted to be me
The pill stopped working

Choose something to believe in
Put it in a pill
Swallow the pill

I want more unattainable

I saw a glimpse today
It was beautiful
So much so it hurt a little
But in a good way
Instantly I need more
It made me feel good
Being in the dark for long times has that effect
Just a glimpse can become intoxicating
I want more
I want to take more
I want to make more
I want to give more
I want to live in more
I want to bath in more
My personality is just this way
I surprise people
When will I surprise myself?
I want more than a glimpse
I want the whole unattainable thing

Strange darkness

Strange change
Strange stillness
Strange feel
Sounds swim in my mind
Water flows through the being
The tower is crumbling

Both of the understandings are hidden

Hidden behind words

Hidden behind acts

Hidden behind signs

Hidden within the world

Hiddin both within and without

I used to know and it was good

Then I learned more and no longer knew

Then it became strange

Just go with it

It's just the drug

It's just the unknowable truth

A path for the creation

The distractions become all consuming
I leave one only to have another take over
In an even bigger way!
The creator needs focus.
Clear the clutter.
Create order.
What's the next right thing to do?
Good orderly direction is God.
God is the path of the creator.
Learn to appreciate the creation.
Become a vessel.
A vessel needs to be cleared of all clutter.
Become a vessel.
Become a path for the creation to flow.

The uncatchable

You want to chase what you can't catch
I tell you it's impossible but you still beleive you can
things you can't catch sometimes look do close
you say you have a plan but I don't like this plan
it's going to ruin out stuff, it's going to annoy people
and someone might get hurt
you still have this vision of your plan
you see it clearly
you know you can capture what can't be captured
I explain the scenario
what if you caught the uncatchable?
It's not what it seems
the uncatchable is a dream
it's only true in your mind
if caught the uncatchable screams
life goes haywire when the uncatchable is caged

you can't see this

how am I just like this? In every way.

Sometimes it works

I'm in a dream

Try turning the lights on

Running is never a good thing when you can't see
How many times do I do this?
There's pools of water
Some big some small
Some deep some shallow
Some have jagged edges
I run
The blind don't run
But when I'm blind I run
Sometimes I get lucky
Maybe my intuitions in sync
Mostly I get wet
People die
Usually other people...not me
I see this
I get wet
I'm cold
I don't have dry clothes
Everything suffers

Try turning the lights on

Don't die, try to stay awake

So tired
Trying to stay awake
Just like one of those movies when the guy has to stay awake to live
I thought I was going to die last night
Your entire perspective changes when you're on your death bed
But if you get up from your death bed and walk all bets are off
How much motivation does it take?
Someone said I looked like Jon Lovitz
I obviously have problems but I don't know what to do
I have the kind of problems that no one knows what to do about
Some pretend that they do
I've done that
Sometimes pretending can make you beleive
And believing can make you feel different
It can even be true
But for me it's a lie
I can't come from a lie
I can't run from myself
I can't hide what's true
I ran into a guy I didn't know but I should have
One day I will be that guy if I don't die first

Holding shelf

Head pains
and creep stains
loud nothing comes to me
all that I have to free
eyes grow heavy in the night
falling asleep but still I fight
your not the old self
but I still hold the shelf

We live in the garden

The paradox is my journey
This is what I seek
When I find the paradox I have arrived
My arrival leads to new journeys
This search is why I'm a stoner at heart
A man who can take a trip and see the world as something magical
Stoney is not the talk of the world
Openness is not the attitude of the man who who already knows
The man who is right is the man who has ended his journey
When you end your journey things turn dark
Darkness creeps out in strange ways
The man who knows pays no attention to the signs
I want to experience freedom
I can't stand these bars anymore and the only way I can make them disappear is through the eyes of perception
I traveled into the hills and I found the garden one day but I was too young
I was asked to leave
As I left I saw a beautiful dear with huge antlers
It stared at me
I was frightened
Finally it ran away and I walked by into the land youthful blindness
I'm a journey
I'm going deep this time
It's universe has no bounds
The garden was torn down by the money man and homes were built
We live in the garden
I just need to awake to my curiosity

I choose...

So far down the rabbit hole I don't know which way is up
Fuck
I'm drifting...coasting...meandering...dozing off...I'm up....am I up?...I'm dreaming again
How long until I let go completely.  Is that where this started?  Can you let go too much?
I'm falling.  I think...I really don't know anymore.  I don't know good from bad right now.
All I see is life.  Birth....death....life
What is the cause?
What is the purpose?
There's not one.
Unless I say there is.
And I say there is nothing.
And there is nothing.
Maybe I need to say something?
So much thought with nothing to say.
So much talk with nothing that means anything to me.
It's my choice and I've chosen to make no choice and now Rush is telling me that I have still made a choice.
I choose...

It's good to have a hero

I think it's important to have a hero.  Someone you look up to, who you respect.  I have a problem respecting people, I guess I'm one of those guys that looks at the flaws and let's them take over my perception of people.  The more I get to know someone the better chance I have at finding and exposing their weaknesses.  What kind of fucked up personality trait is that?  I have problems.

I respect successful people who have followed and listened to their heart.  My heroes today are comics.  Louis CK is greatness.  Their is true greatness happening right now and I get to be around to see it.  It's Louis CK.  This is a guy, with many faults, who has turned those faults around and created something uniquely special.  I look to Louis for honesty and work ethic.

I guess it helps if you don't know the hero you respect.  I'm sure if I was hanging out with Louis I would think he was an asshole.  I would probably start wearing blinders and wouldn't be able to see him for his creative spirit anymore.  I'd probably just see some selfish jerk who eats a lot and doesn't return phone calls.  But the good news is I don't know him so I think he's really cool.

I look to Louis CK for personal growth.  He reminds me to look within myself and trust my instincts.  He encourages me to follow my own path.  He's my hero.  I'm an aspiring comic and filmmaker and I want to be like Louis, I want to make a living performing and making movies that I wrote, starred in and directed myself.  Thanks for clearing the path Louis.

What happened to Duke?

Hi guys, it's your old friend Duke Fightmaster here.  You might be wondering, where the hell has my best friend Duke been?  Well the truth is I haven't exactly been winning at life lately, at least not in the recent past or not so recent or ever.  I think it was woodrow wilson who said success is a man who is willing to be optimistic through failure after failure.  I'm getting pretty good at the failure after failure part, now it's time to add in just a little bit of that optimism.  "You're a winner Duke you can do this." Alright I have a positive attitude I guess I'm back on top.

There was a day in my life when I wanted to be a talk show host, I was gonna replace
Conan O'brien.  Turns out it's not as easy to replace Conan O'brien as it sounds.  I'm sad to report that my talk show, along with that dream, have died, they're dead, they've been killed.  A little bit of me has died along with it.  All because of one man, Jimmy Fallon.  I declare Jimmy Fallen my mortal enemy, mark my words I will never forgive you Jimmy, ever.

Almost three years of my life I devoted everything to my talk show, I had a dream, I had a passion, I followed that passion and put that dream into the universe and the universe said to me "No I don't think so, God doesn't really like you, and neither does anyone else, now get out of here and die, alone."  If you're interested in hearing more the popular NPR radio show This American Life,  hosted by Ira glass did a 20 minute feature on my story chronically the whole journey from beginning to end.  This American Life loves to do stories on people who have ridiculous ideas, people who follow these ideas even though all the visible evidence says "this is a bad idea", people who are basically a little off and it just so happens that they felt I was one of those people, so congratulations to me, I am crazy.  You can hear that story at Dukefightmaster.com, I posted the link there, I'm very proud of it.


So what have I been doing for the last year and a half?  Well besides walking the streets looking for change, I've been doing stand up comedy.  I've been putting an act together. 

Am I alive?

There's no direction
there's no order to the madness
I'm aimless
there's glimpses of visions
but they vanish
I'm aimless
ghosts haunt me and stay
they're uninvited
I'm torn
each direction has bushes
there's no way out
I'm torn
I'm driving with no money
to a place that doesn't want me
I'm searching
I have friends that I hate
I want to leave but their there
I'm searching
time is standing still yet racing
this adds to my confusion
am I alive?
pictures enter and go with no retention
the movie has injured me
am I alive?

Blessed curses bless

Hope that you don't get what you pray for
Pray that you like what you get
Don't live like they tell you
Think what you would do and do the opposite
When it comes and you're staring
look at the problem in the eye
there's now more hiding under your pillow
there's only time to wish you could die
living is hard enough without the skin
under it's a world completely gone
revisit this story monthly
and you can be blessed in song
 

stealing comedy for good

I don't have many opinions that I'm conscious of.  I'm mostly a numb out type of guy.  A don't think type of guy.  A check out from this world type... Okay you get it.

Not having opinions is not a good thing for an aspiring comic.  When you are doing comedy you need to look inside yourself and figure out how you feel about things and then share this info.  I think that's part of it but what the fuck do I know.  Anyways I found that I have an opinion and in the comedy world it might even be a little controversial.

The regulars at the comedy store hate people who steal jokes.  So much so that they gang up on them, make videos of them in a terrible light and generally shun them.  Here is my controversial statement "I don't think stealing jokes is that bad."

I need to clarify.  I think some stealing is bad and I think some stealing is very helpful to the growth of a beginning comic.  This is my line; I think you should never be able to steal from someone who is struggling or below you.  I think you should be able to steal from old rich people, successful comics who no longer use the material, and dead people.  Basically I think you should be able to steal from anyone who doesn't get hurt by it and you should steal from anyone who does get hurt from it.

Why do I think you should be able to steal?  Because beginning comics should be able to take from successful people and their favorite comics in order to learn the craft.  Musicians learn by playing cover songs and likewise I think comics should be able to learn by taking from other comics (Only successful one's who don't use the material anymore).  You learn by copying.

I feel the growth of a promising comic can be sped up if he is able to put a longer act together quicker.  This would lead to more stage time and a quicker growth period to becoming the original comic that is inside of them.  Funny material is important but being funny is the most important.  Lending a new comic an old vehicle to enable him to learn to drive on the road of comedy can be a good thing.

This is my opinion, stealing can be good, as long as you are stealing for good.

comin back

Coming back is not easy
To a place I never wanted to leave
I'm going in that direction
It's what I'm trying to acheive
The tools are in my pocket
That's where they've always been
Left, almost forgotten
As I tangle with the sin
Avoidance is the pleasure
And blindness is the key
Dreaming is the art form
And no one's there to see

It's just me

The mile

Too late for sorry
too soon for time
too young to know
it's all your dime
alone is a price
the cost is a cry
hugs feel better
together we try
I known not to leave
but that's what you say
think you should go
but just want to stay
I hold you to me
and show you a smile
I'll take you to her
we walk through the mile

Tool head

The units created for good or for worse
Sometimes a blessing the second and first
Allways a struggle that wasn't a thought
But now it's blaring, a fight to be fought
The beauty's amazing when viewing the view
The old is forgotten when living the new
Leaving's a notion that never does die
But the bars are embedded ending the lie
life is a moment, and living's a choice
the head is a tool but not the one voice

unawesome spaz

crazy energy
time for spaz
nothing breaks
until hearts collapse
wrong way high
I'm up all night
eyes wide stare
shaky headlight
fear driven ride
and a curve of speed
unsettled luck
an unfulfilled need
crashing with love
accidents welcome
flying to trees
life un awesome

Nothing is clear

It's there but I don't hear
Is it a choice or true?
Running from what's near
The paths are few
Keep feeding the whole
Keep living the past
Ignoring the soul
Grabbing won't last
The long is for trade
The short is for blanks
The game is not played
With bullet proof tanks
Hurt from the out
Avoiding the here
Searching about
Nothing is clear

A little is more

Loose bricks and falling peices
Standing still makes me shake
Crazy in the side of time
No more choices to make
It's something you can't fix
At least not in that direction
You're getting burried right now
No one can lend affection
Don't struggle so much with this
Relax and hold your breath
Time always brings a new life
Even in the final death
It's something new
I don't care for outer thought
It's something that makes sense
Plus it's all I've got
I know I'm grinding hard
There's something with the small
A little light is just enough
Much more than nothing at all

meeting strange

Get messed up
get really bad
empty the cup
focus to mad
miserable yourself
make things worse
knock the shelf
force the curse
walk the dark
leave the light
Seek the arc
meet the night
get real blue
This way out
It's the few 
Leaving doubt
Eyes to pain
comes with change
face the strain
meet the strange

The calm

world cycle blue
The weight that holds
try to step on through
sickness comes in colds
nothing left to wait
the lines are no more
direction cant be straight
useless is the door
strangers are not strange
familiar more than not
trapped with constant change
alone is what you've got
lonely is not alone
the end is coming near
no more to be shown
chasing even fear
It leaves the under calm
it was always there
David sang in psalm
Now I start to stare

Hectic is withdrawal

It takes a lot of sweat
to keep the mind in dream
you lose it when you get
too far from their beam
hectic is withdrawal
when you try to pull away
not what brother saw
it's not a pretty day
friends turn into none
the cost to feel good
a lot turns into one
heading where it should
what's right comes in two
similar is the look
hard is what to do
written is the book
to read you need the light
to light you need the read
for peace you need to fight
for fight you need to feed

I saw I can do it (so I can)

I stepped out of myself
rose above and looked down
there was me and everyone else
I was playing the clown
I knew all the rules and tricks
but I thought that was only them
what comes in slowly sticks
and I saw what was within
it was then that I knew
i had to see it to feel
that it was what I could do
I was part of the deal
sometimes you need to see
yourself doing what you knew
to know that is for me
that's what I can do

I'm a winner (Who makes kids cry)

Some people might call me a loser because I can't support my family or pay my bills.  I just won a game of dodge ball, against a 7 year old, he cried, when I through the ball really hard and it hit him in the face.  I'm a winner.  Unless you're one of those people who thinks that a person who makes kids cry is a loser.  Some people just don't understand that winning is winning.

I don't have a job because I'm not a pussy. One thing I've learned is a mother of your children doesn't really like you to not have a job. Women look at men without jobs the same way a man looks at a woman with no vagina. That's not a good thing.

I'm from a rough neighborhood, Mission Viejo.  I used to go to the other side of the tracks.  Across marguerite.  It's just really hard to be super street wise in a really nice upper class hood.  I'm street.

Searching for shiver

I see it better
Exponentialy getting worse
I write the good letter
but attached is the curse
envisioning great
I live in the middle
it's all just a wait
I've lost at the riddle
touched by the gods
but now they've turned
what once was prods
has left me burned
laughter can heal
but also it kills
a victim to steal
a ride for cheap thrills
clearing the mind
touching the river
when do I find
what makes me shiver?

Waiting

It's purgatory, Hells waiting room
The mode is sleep
Lying dormant, waiting the boom
Stillness runs deep
It's the clock, the speed is slow
Can it be right?
Never late, but this show
Has not a light
It's the head, the machine
Not off but not on
In the seat, No one's seen
Steering the pawn
It's more, above and then
quite beyond
Still waiting, for when
The connecting bond
Appear now, let me live
My eyes half awake
Only pain, do you give
For me to partake
I run, that's not my intent
What I'm made of
My worth, not made in cent
Is the love

High noon numbness

In this game high are the stakes
I walk like nothing as exterior flakes
From the shoulders of knowing
talk that is more glowing
And the furniture can't hold
What's coming or so I'm told
I hear from the past a soft song
it's sings in the distance what's wrong
will I adhere to the warning?
Do I have just till morning?
The day is to be soon
As I face the high noon
a battle of the soldier
who only grows older
can wisdom finally be held?
Is it a noise that's yelled?
Is there room for the space?
To empty is the race
once again it is full
with a comfortable stool
but approaches is dawn
as I stroll through the lawn
the numbness I ride
till I enter inside

A misdirected rose

Rose colored days
water love song
true holds held
endless days long
time spent well
city lights went
country girl's heart
with internal clocks bent
red mostly sad
not like the first
girlfriends friends
feeling I could burst
demensions sang
and my song lasted
nights catch stars
even if fasted
hatred writing ways
and evil devil sparks
cloning to the white
and turning to the parks
children lose your mind
forgetting all that's left
it's real only then
it feels close to theft
she's coming here now
not sure of my direction
keep the hungry fed
and lead with misdirection

Forgetting to give

If nothing was glue I'd be stuck
nothing to do looking for luck
holding to time it's only slipping
relying on rhyme light is my gripping
fog is my view blind is my walk
turning to you hearing your talk
blue turns my face breathing is slow
asking for grace I'm dying to know
knowing is death I'm trying to live
forgetting the breath forgetting to give

Numbing style pace

Dreams inhabit the space unknown
bits of the memory, a time I've flown
jets to the surface volumes of light
stars bright the sky in the darkness of night
left are the hanging and stuff that's a drag
a world that's empty to one with no lag
open the eye the one in the middle
lost is the weight and dropped is the riddle
floating in darkness that's blinding my eyes
lifting the senses exposing the ties
free is this dream but only in space
floating outside of my numbing style pace

More darkness is the want

So much darkness
I want more of it
Soulless souls
My only friends
unfunny funny
smiles for nothing
cut the air
With the rooms tension
My mind is blank
I'm an inner type
it's only job
the one it can't do
skies and grass
smells and taste
Colors and pictures
create nothing
not in this darkness
I want more

Wrist blood bitch

There's a saying that goes something like this, "Not only does water seep it's own level but sewage seeps it's own level too." I like to use this saying for romantic relationships.  In the beginning you're high, it's a drug.  The "Romantic stage."  Everyone love's that part but it's when the honeymoon's over that you realize you have issues you never knew existed.  You found out about these issues because she brought them to the surface.  She brought them to the surface because the same issues were inside of her.

Have you ever seen a nice girl with some dirt bag guy?  You ask yourself, "What's a sweet girl like her doing with a guy like that?"  I'll tell you what she's doing, she's fucked up.

My wife had an ex boyfriend who slit his wrists after she broke up with him.  He did it the long ways too, not the across the wrist.  Then he wrote bitch in blood on the wall above her bed.

This disturbs me.  I'm just not sure I could ever love her that much, not enough to slit my wrists.

Any direction

I love you more each day
Your hugs keep me high
Your thoughts keep me connected with smiles
You seek and I watch with wonder
Your pain makes me cry
I want nothing but coolness for you
I want you to fly
I want you to became the greatness that I see within you
Let's ride
Let's fall into the blue
Seek within and become what you see
Follow this and I shall hold you
I will hold you in any direction

Old music lives quiet

The fire is not hot enough for blood
I'm not cutting wrists
I'm not calling the black and whites
I'm not even depressed
should I be scared?
The music is dying
It doesn't do anything for me
You're not supposed to trust anyone who doesn't love music
I guess I shouldn't be trusted
that's a lie
music lives inside me
I make it my life
then I hate my life
then I hate music
but it always comes back
dance
I don't think so
listen
this sounds attainable

Awake is the pull

There's something pulling me
It's not a decision but I think I can stop it
I don't
I'm pulled in the direction of blurred hazes
Scenes that come in and out of focus in random sequences
It feels good but I don't remember
The initial feeling fades into the hours of haziness
Why is the pull so strong here and not there?
There's no time for why
Why ruins the fun
It makes me stop and stand in motionless mind numbing misery
But the chase is the best
I think I might die
The situation is strong and the world says no
Different signs feed into my vision
I've seen the signs come at me like this before
Almost as if I'm awake
This is why I like the pull
I'm awake for a second
My senses are sharpened
My mind is quick
My connection is obvious
The searching and emptiness are forgotten

sleep blogging

I'm sleep blogging the shit out of this blog right now.  Don't fuck with me in my sleep, especially if I'm blogging.

Let's take the warmth of touch and the human feel of song.  The unreal testing that's set up fake and indeed it goes up the hills.

Walking up hills is also the best part.  It's not all about the carving and 25th st run.  It's about the art and the style.  The lifestyle.

Messages home are strong but leave us wanting.  Hold other powers closer.  Hold the cage.  The warmth of fucked up beauty hits the street harder with the up town quarter loves/  The pennies were stronger than up hill.

Nothing makes sense when you sleep blog.

Scooters are lame

Once upon a time there was a boy named Shawnky. He wanted to ride his scooter but his Dad said,"No way Jose, scooter's are lame. You have to ride your skateboard!"

Shawnky started to cry.

His Dad said,"If you want to cry then you can just go to bed! Would you like to go to bed early? Or would you like to ride your skateboard?"

Shawnky said,"Alright, I guess I'll ride my skate board."

Shawnky practiced skateboarding down the hill standing up. At first he would get scared when the board went too fast and he would jump off. But after some practice he could stand up the whole way down the hill and turn at the bottom. Eventually Shawnky could go as fast as the board would take him and he said,"This skateboard doesn't go fast enough!"

Shawnky's Dad said,"If you want I can attach a rocket to the skateboard?"

And Shawnky said,"Yes! Please put a rocket on my skateboard!"

Shawnky's Dad put a high powered rock on the board so now it was a rocketboard. "I hope this board is fast enough for you Shawnky," said his Dad.

Shawnky took the board and said,"I guess I'll give it a try," and he turned the rocket on and began to roll. "So long sucker!" Shawnky exclaimed as he raced past his Dad.

"Watch out for the end of the street!" his Dad yelled.

Shawnky just went faster and faster and faster until the board began to fly. He flew over the fence at the end of the street and above all the houses. Shawnky could see the entire city from hundreds of feet in the air. He saw a park by the ocean and said,"That looks like a good place to land." His board headed for the park and he landed on top of the tree. The tree became his new fort and it was his favorite hideout and his secret club.

He climbed down the tree and walked back home. When he got back to his street his Dad ran up to him and gave him a hug. "I love you Shawnky!" said his Dad.

"I love you too Dad and you're right, scooters are lame."

The end