God silence

I first became intrigued with the idea of silence when I studied John Cage in school. Cage was fascinated with silence. He was on a quest to experience true silence. The only problem he kept running into was whenever he purposely got quiet there were still sounds from things in this world beyond his control. His musical composition which Cage is most famous for is 4:33. Four minutes and thirty three seconds. This composition can be played with any instrument in any ensemble.

The music is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of nothing. Of silence. What we get is not silence though. Sounds from the audience, the street outside, the theater walls give the true performance. Whatever is heard during this period of "silence" becomes the musical piece.

Cage discovered that even when he tried to be silent there was no silence. He researched the science and went to the only true sound proof room which was located at NASA. We somehow finagled his way in to finally experience true silence.

What happened? Was John Cage one of the only humans to experience true silence?

No.

What happened in the most silent room in the world was he could hear the blood rushing through his veins. You turn off all the sound in the world and still your body is making noises. Cages conclusion was: there is no such thing as silence.

Whenever people talk about silence I always want to tell them that John Cage says there is no such thing as silence. It's my need to be right. Sometimes when you have the need to be right you cut yourself off from learning anything new. And once you stop growing you start dying.

So maybe we could stop thinking about Cage for a second and ask ourselves what does silence mean in the context of spirituality?

Is God silent? I try to speak with him but with no direct communication. Is God passive aggressive? They say to respect God's clock. You have to wait.

What if God is the silence. I'm totally rambling right now.

In mediation we get quiet. Why? To get beyond our thoughts. To get beyond our brains. To get to a place of higher awareness. The more time we spend in this silence the more we bring calm and wisdom to our real life. We are borrow wisdom from the silence.

Who's gonna take time to get quiet? Some nerd who has nothing better to do. Actually nerd think too much but maybe someone will think his way into not thinking so he can think better when he does think.

Make sense?

Get silent.

Wisdom and giving

I remember the character Saul from the bible. God asks him what he wants and he says "wisdom". Apparently wisdom is the greatest thing to ask for, it creates prosperity and peace. It gives you answers that allows you to rest assured with yourself and your place in the world.

I like wisdom. I like little truths that guide us in life. Maybe I'm writing this now because I am in search of some guidance.

Depression can't hit a moving target.

You've got to get rid of the "maybes" and "I don't knows" to make room for the "Fuck yeahs!"

I like the Tae Te Ching which I have been told translates into "The way". It's basically saying this is how life works. The book is giving you truth. Sometimes truth is hard to understand.

I like the art of war. More truth here. If you do this then that will happen.

Isn't that all we want? I want to know exactly what I have to do to get "that" to happen. Sop what's "that"?

Money, sex, free time to surf, to hang out with my friends, to create. What gives someone authenticity? That's what I want. I want authenticity.

That's what I'm running from. The fake, the untrue, the lie. How do you escape the fake when the entire world you live in is fake? How do you discover truth when truth is undiscoverable? How do you escape the lie when your world is a lie?

I'm trying but I seem to be running in circles. There's something wrong with the system. There's a chink in the armor and if you examine it everything comes apart.

I'm coming apart. Can I be put together again?

What is the desire to give wisdom? I daydream of the day when I speak to people of the path. The day I own the wisdom and am able to share it. I'm searching for this wisdom which I wish to give away. Is this wisdom enlightenment. I want it. I'm on a quest towards enlightenment and the lights seem to be turned off.

Here's to the search for light.

Is it lost faith?

I'm lost. I'm a wanderer with chronic anxiety drowning in a sea of confusion while burning my stomach with turmoil accompanied by a shame filled head of regret. This is life.

I was like this before. I am back; I'm at square one. What happened? Had I not built a solid foundation upon which to build my home of contentedness? Apparently not because the walls of perception have begun to unravel all around me.

It is true I have learned much but I am beginning to realize why they say that youth is wasted on the young. In junior high I used to indulge in the fantasy of going back in time. If only I could go back to the age of 10 knowing all that I knew at age 14. I would go back and talk longer on the phone with my girlfriend; I would go for the kiss. I would do my homework. I would practice my saxophone. I would've started playing guitar. But most importantly I would tell my Dad I loved him. He died when I was twelve.

I would tell him that I've seen the future. I would save his life.

When I was 15 I wanted to go back to 14. I wouldn't of dumped my 8th grade girlfriend at the beginning of summer for all the chicks I was going to score.

This goes on and on all the way to age 37 right now.

Panic attacks at 37! Since I was 15; It's been fucking 22 years! 22 years of living in a different plane. The plane of fears and irrational thoughts of death. When does it stop? I used to think that I could find the one answer. I kind of did find the one answer; it was "there is no one answer, but a full spectrum of simultaneous multiple answers." I used to be much smarter and more creative than I am today. Today I'm tired.

This shouldn't make sense to anyone but my foundation was faulty. Maybe it was meant to get me this far, but now it's time for a complete remodel. I feel like God has cut my head open and started to rip out the wires. I'm being re-wired. At least I hope I am, if not I'm slowly sliding into hell. Hopefully instead I'm being pressured into a diamond.

I'm trying to save my soul and I waited too long. Sometimes late is better than never but it definitely hurts more.

Money

The stuff that makes life worth living right? Until you get it, then you tell everyone that it doesn't matter that much. Then you kill yourself.

Let's do this!

I want boat loads. Is that so bad? I'm too fucked up from TV and growing up in south Orange County. I've tasted the apple. Once you've tasted the apple you really are fucked. There's no eden after the apple. Is that when you grow up? You taste the apple and you get thrown into the harsh world. The world of disappointment, crushed dreams, pain and all the other fun stuff that comes along with breathing.

I can't speak from experience so I will speak from ignorance. Confident ignorance, that's the way you speak in America. Ok, so with all the confident ignorance within my being I say Life is better with money (Period).

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Gods of the universe listen to my plea, I wish to learn the lesson that life is not better with more money than anyone in the world has.

Teach me Universe. I double dog dare you!

Let's eat till it hurts!

My favorite quick fix, eating. Thanksgiving is when you eat till you might throw up, that's what's expected. I do what's expected when it means that I can check out. If I can somehow turn this mind off with a feeling so wonderful that food can give me, I eat. I was told to join the clean plate club. I'm a member. When I was a kid I'd eat anything. I remember my best friends mom complaining to her son, "Why can't you be more like Duke? He eats what ever is put in front of him."

I tried the God thing but it's not as quick as homemade apple pie with whipped cream and ice cream. God wants delayed gratification, pie just wants you to open your mouth and do nothing more than enjoy.

I'm also very vain. I want to look good. It sucks being vain and fat at the same time; it's like having good taste and being poor. If you're vain and you like to eat then you are most likely familiar with fasting, dieting, weight watcher-ing and all the other crap we do to look good. I've familiarized my self with techniques designed to tame the beast; I've starved that mother fucker and he was not pleased!

I went 10 months with no sugar or flour. I considered the mexican pizza from taco bell to be a corn tortilla (you've got to cheat a little if you are going to eat to be skinny). 10 months the beast resided dormant within my gut, but he was hungry. We were invited to a wedding in Tiburon; we took the fairy. Waiting for the fairy I said,"fuck it!" These are the two words before any relapse. I didn't care, I was hungry and I looked like an underwear model.

I started with the large clam chowder in a large bread bowl. The bread was so good when it touched the lips! I ate every bit of it. The fairy came and I had cokes and candy during the trip. Once at the wedding I proceeded to eat for the next three hours straight. I was hungry.

While waiting for our fairy I thought I was going to be sick. I went to the bathroom. I sat on toilet and my entire body turned white and cold sweat poured down my forehead. This is what happens when the body thinks it's dying. "Please God don't let me puke, please don't let me puke." I'm very religious when I'm in a jam. My stomach was rapidly reaching the boiling point, I beyond the point of no return something was going to happen. "Please God!"

Diarrhea and puke at the same time with cold sweats. Lesley's banging on the door telling me we're going to miss the fairy and I'm narrowly escaping death. I felt much better after. We took a cab home and I slept like a baby.

I was off the wagon and food was once again my close companion and off I went on one more journey to fatdom.

What's the point?

Happy Thanksgiving. Woke up with an incredible headache and serious thoughts of vomiting. This was followed by a nonstop chatter from a three year old about his upcoming birthday. "Dad's sick. Go down stairs and play the wii."

"Is this how it's gonna be today?" I thought to myself.

I told Lesley that I was PMS'ing really bad and she gave me some midol.

Lesley cooked some eggs and hash browns for the family and I chugged down a cup of coffee. I'm feeling a little better. Lesley leaves for yoga.

I'm stuck with the kids in the house for what I think is going to be hours of stir craziness. Lesley texts me that there's a crazy 6K run with a ton of people in costumes. I get the kids dressed and we head out on an adventure to the harbor.

Thousands of people scare my oldest but I talk him into moving down into the sea of people. We watch Lesley's yoga class through the window and then head to the race. I run into an old friend from high school with his kids, wife and parents. I run the race with the kids. They're stoked.

I'm feeling better. Awesome coincidences of the universe and good time spent with the kids have changed my attitude. That's the only point I really worth thinking about. My attitude. It's all I have control over and it feels best when I'm thankful.

That's the point.

jealousy & envy

I woke up to a terrible dream this morning. I won't bore you with the details but I walked over to my wife to hold her and my old friend grabbed her and started making out with her. I then realized that we were no longer together and she was with this other man. My blood fumed with jealousy and I immediately woke up. The dream really shook me up. My stomach was in knots.

Like Jonh Lennon, I guess I'm just a jealous guy. I love my wife. She's beautiful. She's very smart and she's got a great sense of humor. Of course I've taught her a lot about humor, but still she's very funny. And she's fun. She's fun to be with. She's easy to hang with.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

The point is don't fuck with my woman. I'm the only one that fucks with my woman. I'm married to her so the fucking is part of the deal.

I grew up playing music and wanted to do it for the rest of my life...blah blah blah...boring boring boring. I stopped playing music...blah blah blah...tears and sadness...boring boring boring. After giving up the dream to play music I stopped listening to music. I didn't want to see bands play live. I'm a jealous and envious guy. I knew in my heart that I should be the one on stage. It wasn't and the universe was off kilter because of it. At least my universe, but come on what other universe is there? For all I know, you guys could be holograms sent down from the mothership trying to trick me. I sure would feel stupid getting tricked by a hologram.

Rich people too. Fuck you rich people!!! That's exactly how I feel...until I get rich then I'm totally cool with rich people. But If I don't then fuck those guys.

I'm envious. I want what you have. I want it all. I want the love and the money. If I can't have it then I'll die from cancer that I get from being jealous and full of self pity and envy.

Death and deeds

Woke up at 1:30am last night with a headache and what seemed like the possibility of vomiting. Whenever it's the middle of the night and the possibility of vomiting is around the corner my mind begins to ask questions. The usual suspects; is there no god? What am I doing? Then the randomly self destructive thinking kicks in; I think I'm dying. What if this is it? Do I have cancer? What if I have aids? I'm dying and I'm not prepared. Then I start beating myself up for liking Woody Allen so much.

I'm too old with no credits that matter to anyone important. This is a knock to all people who feel they are important to my life.

Have you ever been that guy that tells his friends that he has no friends. Who are we? Chopped liver? You guys don't understand. My life is passing me by.

I'm making a movie. Each day it's becoming clearer. I can see it. I think I can do it. At least I have something to do; it's better than waiting around to die.

Music and creation

Today is day 66. I like doing things where I count days; it makes me feel like I'm on a journey. I like being on a journey; it gives mehe feeling that my life is engaged in some type of motion. In order to be on a journey you need to have a destination. A journey without a destination is aimless wandering in the desert. Hopefully I'm out of the desert an into the journey. My journey: yoga and writing. Today is day 66 of writing everyday and practicing yoga at home everyday. My destination? The realm of creation.

What writer doesn't want to reside in the realm of creation? I know it exists too; I've seen it, in another life. My life seems to be a series of worlds that I happen to stumble into. When I was in 4th grade I thought o would be cool to play the saxophone. This entry into the world of music was also my first yep into the realm of procrastination. Nothing invites procrastination quite like the aspiration to become musically proficient at an instrument. This quality ofnprocrastination has haunted me for all the years preceeding my first involvment with music. Procrastination is the enemy of the artist. The enemy of the writer and the enemy of the yogi.

Skating on the thin ice of the elementary school band introduced me to the world beyond the one I saw with my eyes. There were moments I became transformed. I left what I knew and visited a world of beauty. Art brings us what is beautiful. If we are in hell then art and music has the ability to give us a glimpse of heaven. Why not spend your time transforming hell into heaven?

The artit creates the most beautiful works when they leave this world and tap into another. When you can, as Jim Morrison said, break on through to the other side, then you can become a vessel for the creation of beauty.

So what is my destination? To be a vessel into heaven. To unlock something beautiful. Sometimes beauty comes from places you might not expect. I don't care. Come where you must. I jury want to get high from the process because at heart I am a stoner. Although I hate smoking pot I like the idea of getting high. I embrace the vibration.

So here I am, day 66. I'm not there but I'm doing the work. That's where it starts. The work is the bong and the lighter. The work is the acid tab on the toungue. It might not kick on until you engage in the process. More than once and consistantly.

A sliver of success please?

Woody Allen says that he's just a lucky guy. He was born with a good sense of humor. He could write jokes. It came easy to him. He started writing jokes at age 16 and immediately people wanted to buy them. It's luck. Still he's a pessimist at heart. He's a lucky pessimist.

I don't think anything comes easy to me. Certainly nothing that I do naturally do people want to immediately buy. If I look at my life in that respect then the facts probably say I'm unlucky. (This is not including my family that seems to have come into my life fairly easily).

When it comes to finance, and let's all admit that finance is all that really matters, I'm not a lucky person. I remain optimistic though.

I seem to get close to success sometimes. I can taste it. That's where the optimism comes into play. Because I've had times in my life when I almost touched success it became believable to me that I could attain it. I keep the optimism but the failures get me down.

You've got to fail to win. It makes the wins taste that much better. This is the kind of thing you have to tell yourself. Each failure is a step closer to the win right?

Each no is closer to a yes. I guess.

I'm so happy you failed!

Am I completely wrong when I sense that my friends and people around me are happy when I fail? Am I happy when other people fail? I think when I'm not doing what I want to be doing I am happy when other people fail. There's something so funny about seeing another person go down.

The reporter repeatedly asked me how old I was in an attempt to make me look foolish. I mean how old are you? And you still believe in fantasy?

I'm stuck. Grandma is coming over to babysit, I'm taking Lesley out to celebrate 16 years and I smell. I'm trying to get done my daily stuff before I embark on my nighttime journey.

I need to write and do yoga. Two things. This is one. Look at the failure type.

Strange blog. It doesn't make sense and neither do I.

People laughed last night and I was almost caught off guard. People, strangers, a group, laughed when I was on stage and it felt good!

Run baby run

Why did I choose run from your problems? I don't know. I talked about running from your desires last blog. You run and god fucks you. Don't fuck with God! My friend has that poster hanging on the wall of his kitchen and God is pissed.

I don't want to piss off God. What are my problems? Sometimes you've got to see what your problems are to see if you're running from them. Maybe you have to look down to see if your feet are moving fast to realize if you're running. How do you know if your feet are moving fast? I know for me. If I'm watching tv on the couch and my stomache is stressing. I like to ignore my life with tv. If I'm listening to podcasts and my stomache is stressing. Maybe it's just my gut that tells me if I'm running.

Masturbation is the big one. When I have something to do then all I can think about I masturbation.

Internet surfing also. I have to click that story on yahoo and then it sucks me down the drain of procrastination.

Ok I know the answer to this one and it's pretty simple. We procrastinate because we're scared to think. We have a big idea that we know we should be doing. The poblems is you can't just sit down and do a big idea, you've got to break it down into small steps and figure out the next thing to do. Break it down. Then you'll know. Do somerhing underwhelming. It starts with the ripple that turns into a tidal wave.

Don't run from your problems, surf them.

The party starts when the worrying stops

The party starts when the worrying stops.

This is my saying. This is the saying that was invented for me. Me personally. Kind of like your mantra only I'm allowed to tell people. I think I'm allowed to tell people. Now that I think of it maybe I shouldn't be telling people. Maybe I should keep it to myself . Maybe if you keep it to yourself it makes it bigger.

OK am I having a mini revelation right now? Did I just learn something new about how the universe works? About how a human operates? I know this, if you keep a secret it gets way bigger in your mind. It consumes you. It becomes bigger than life and then it becomes life. This is the power of something you hold in. But what if you hold something good in? You don't share it with anyone. You tell yourself, or maybe you challenge yourself not to share this with anyone. Does that secret grow? Does it get bigger and all consuming?

The party starts when the worrying stops. I love to party. I'm built to stress. I think that when you drink your worries disappear and we all know that alcohol is what lubricates the party.

Some people believe that worry causes cancer. I think the cancer is deeper than that and starts with not looking within yourself for a desire. I heard once that desire means of the father. What if your desire is a higher calling? If you avoid this calling then God gets a whale to swallow you whole until you say, "OK God, fuck it. I'll go with you on this one."

Maybe your desire is to make a certain kind of porn that no one has heard of. If that's what God wants then that's what God wants. Remember that he's the original inventor of the vagina. Whoever invented the vagina cant be bad in my book.

If you are running from God you are going to be stressing out, If you are stressing out you won't be partying. Unless you're drunk. Unfortunately alcohol doesn't work forever.

Look within. Find the true desire. Follow it. When you do what you know in your heart what you should be doing then you avoid stress. When you avoid stress you avoid cancer.

Don't get cancer just party!

Death

Death. Am I in denial? We are dying. I have a terminal disease called birth. It's going to end but it's most likely going to get bad in the years preceeding. Death.

I'm not afraid to go to sleep. Most people enjoy sleep. I love sleep. I love the thought of sleep. Why am I not afraid of sleep? Why do I cherrish my sleep. Sleep is just turning off your body, right? We're so scared of death but we love sleep. It5's the eternal sleep, or the unknown sleep that we are all avoiding.

Comedians know death. Comedians are in denial. You have to be in denial to experience the type of death that comics experience. Death on stage. They say it's worse than real death. Nothing turns off, I can tell you that much. Silence is death to a comedian. Silence is death and laughter is oxygen. If you stop breathing you start dying. Breathing is good. Keep breathing.

People don't want to see you die. Let me think about that.... That might not be entirely true. I think comics want to see you die. Is it because it's not them dying?

Death. You've got to die to learn how to live. Wilco song.

We run so hard from death that we don't live. Why do you have to die to live? Maybe it's because you are running through illusions when you die. When the fearfull illusions dissapear we can relax. When we relax we can laugh. When we laugh we become alive.

I've allways loved to laugh. Maybe I love life. I like fucked up laughter. What's up with that? For another day.

Walk through the illusions of fear. Walk through death. Die. And then start living.

Windows in time

OK, yesterday I mentioned that I was writing my 60th blog but in fact today is the number 60.

The windows in life are a strange thing. Windows open and windows close. When they are open it seems like they could be open for years, when they are closed it seems like they will never open again, sometimes that's true. When a window closes a decade or two could slip by before it opens again. My thought is this, step through the window. It's so much more fun looking for meaning and signs in life. Whatever realm you step into can become real, the choice is yours.

It's a combination. I believe in both. I'm a searcher. Searcher are the best. (Whoever I label myself as I have to think that is the best.)

My Dad died when I was 12. He left when I was 5. The window has definitely closed on that one. When you have children a window is open. I have children. Two beautiful boys. Sometimes they're crazy, sometimes they're obnoxious, sometimes they can be unreasonable. They're boys. The window to be a father is open to me now. This window will not be open forever. This is the choice of a man. A man sees this window and steps through it.

At the same time I have to become the man I want to be. The man I'm meant to be. The man I want my children to emulate. I have to be true to myself. If I'm not I don't give my children an example, I give them a lie. Walking this line, the line between being a good father and being a true example of a great man is the test. Some run, some hide, and some look at the test in the eye and ride the wave.

What windows have closed for you? What windows are open? They won't stay open forever.

Doing what you need to do is the best vacation possible. Do the work and watch your body relax.

Radio interview

The interview actually happened. If it came out good or not we'll have to wait and see. I'm so tired and on the verge of getting sick right now. Why am I so tired? Because I've been working non stop for the last couple of weeks at a job. No days off, and waking up at 4am each day. It's late and I still have to wake up early. What am I doing? I'm on a streak that I can't break. I've been writing and doing yoga everyday for that last 60 days. If I want to or not.

How will the radio spin the story. She might say that the one big lesson that I learned was it's hard to replace Conan Obrien.

It's much harder than it seems.

I have have trouble quitting things. She pointed out to me that I still even say that the show is on hiatus. I can't bring myself to say that I quit.

In one form or another my journey continues. I hope that I keep my mind and heart open enough to learn from my past. I want to grow.

Perspective

It's all about perspective. We live in a world of perspective. We live in a world with a realm of 360% worth of perspective.

From an early age I mastered one particular perspective, it went something like: This sucks! It worked for any situation. I used it for all situations. This sucks.

I think I really learned it in Jr high. That's how you talk to a chick on the phone. I used to not know what to say to a girl when I called her on the phone. Then I figured it out. Everything sucks. Whenever you're able to articulate how something sucks you become cool. Especially in Jr High, but let's face it, life is jr high.

Later in life I also learned how to master the art of the worst case scenario. My brain just works so naturally in predicting the worst possible thing that could happen.

So what do you do when you've mastered the art of "worst case scenario" and the all important "this sucks" perspective? My answer is: try something different. You are a master, now learn something new.

We are so scared of the unknown. What's so scary about this experience on this dust ball? You either live or you die. The scary part is what other people think. Why is that? Why do we care so much? Maybe it's built into our DNA. A star reader told me that a thousand years ago I was kicked out of the tribe. For being too different.

Maybe my fear is being kicked out of the group. Of starving. Of having to fend for myself and then getting eaten by a saber tooth tiger.

It's 2010. I'm not going to die if someone disagrees with me. It's ok to try something new.

It's all about perspective. The is a 360% realm of perspectives starting with "This sucks" and ending with "this sucks". Who gives a fuck what's real. No one knows the truth. We're a heard of ants on the side of the freeway, we don't know what the fuck is going on.

News flash, you don't know the truth. You will never know the truth. Fuck the truth!

What does that leave us with? Life here and now. What is comfortable and what is uncomfortable? This is the only question to concern yourself with.

Where does God's will stop and your's begins? You'll never know you stupid son of a bitch. Some people say that God's will is from the clouds up and from the clouds down is mans will. Other people say that the big stuff is God's and it's the little stuff that's ours.

If we don't know then what's the most comfortable. What about this? God is everything. God is everything and everywhere. There is no place without God.

This is my perspective for a second. If this is my perspective then that means that I don't get to take credit for the great accomplishments in my life. I'm no longer the hero, God is. But it also means that I get to let go of the blame and shame and negative self talk that rattles through my brain all day long. This is a pretty good deal for me.

Instead of trying to get spiritual I can realize that I already am spiritual. I'm a spiritual; being having a human experience. Everything for me is spiritual. I don't have to climb some mountain to find God. It's a spiritual experience just brushing my teeth.

I'm so glad I took that acid. I saw another plane. When you take acid it's a takes a while for it to kick in and you're not sure if it's going to work or not. What you end up doing is an internal check in with yourself. You feel your entire body and ask yourself if you are tripping yet.

I love the internal check in. I do it now without the acid. It makes this life a much stonier experience when I can feel my body and experience some of this life without my head rattling off nonsense.

Let go of preconceived notions. Get into your body. Trip. If anything it's fun and the perpective I want today is a fun one. And one that feels like it's leading me into beauty. I'm enlightened if I could only be enlightened which I am.

Comedy loser

The comedy gods were not smiling upon me last night. The crowd wasn't either. Ok there were laughs but not as loud, powerful and as frequent as I imagine in my mind that I deserve. I wasn't feeling the comedy vibe yesterday. After the show this lady told me that my eyes were so red. My eyes feel red right now. She asked if I was stoned. No. I might as well have been, I'm out of it. I think I'm stoned off of sleep deprivation.

First mistake: ten comics drew numbers to determine the order. I picked ten. In my mind I think everyone in the audience is forced to be there. They can't wait for it to be over. They were dragged there by their friends. They don't care about comedy and they feel like they are being held hostage. I'm thinking I can't go on tenth, they audience will be worn out. I traded a guy for second. Not a good choice. The crowd was very cold. I got depressed. I lost.

I don't know the rest of the mistakes. Probably getting into comedy in the first place.

Comedy contests and denial

I used to carry with me a thought within myself that I could be living a dream of mine if I wasn't such a pussy. If I didn't do anything I could have spent my life wondering what could have been if I just tried. I'm happy that I tried because now I know, I can't live that dream.

If you want to be in comedy you need to be in denial. You have to suck in the begining, but you need the denial to keep you going. Whenver I enter a contest I allways seem to think I'm the best. I have something within me that thinks I'm netter than other comedians. What I think of myself and what actuall comes out when I do my act mut be two completely seperate things. Although to be fair I won a contest in El Paso.

During my last contest I thought I killed. My friend ho went up that night I felt did not do good. After his set I was consuling him. "it wasn't that bad." I said. It turns out that not only was it not that bad, he beat me. I allways let myself feel humiliated after these things. I tried to stay for a second but then did a b line for my car and proceeded to go down a shame spiral for the entire drive home and a few days after.

It turns out that someone in the semi finals bailed out so I'm back in the running. Tonight is the contest. I'm going up against people who won last round. I'm nervous, I'm going to try new material. It's still a mystery to me. I want to get in that funny place. I hope I can get there soon. At least figure out how to get there when I want to.

I'll let you know the experience tomorrow. I need to get back to pretending that I'm working.

I get huge ideas

What's wrong with me? Who doesn't ask that question? Those are the people you need to be worried about.

I get these ideas that are too much. Most people would let the idea pass without giving it too much notice. Not me, I take it and run. I run straight to the ditch.

I'm an unlucky optimist that sometimes gets depressed. I visited a psychic one time and she said I have bad karma. She offered to get rid of the bad karma for $600. She mad it clear that it wasn't her that was charging hat much, that's just how much the crystals cost.

Me and my bad karma big ideas. I was cretive, it drove me insane. I watched TV. I decided to watch entertainment instead of make it. I sat on the couh for ten years and stuffed my feelings. Things built up.

I had to do something to break out of these fake gold hand cuffs disguised as a cubicle.

I wrote a screen play.

It sucked. I went back to work. I let my soul get almost completely sucked out of me. It was a pretty great stunt now that I think about it.

I needed something. I thought about people who became rich and for some reason the guy who started the boy bands came to mind. I put an add on craigslist looking people who wanted to be in a boy band. Then I got an idea and put an ad that said management looking for Christian rock bands. I sat back in my chair at my cubicle and waited.

I received two emails from guys that wanted to be in a boy band. I receved over 30 emails from Christian rock bands. The universe was talking to me. I was meant to start the Christian rock scene and make orange county the bastian of Christian rock the way seatle was for grunge.

My mind rapidly began making a plan. Whenever I get my big ideas the wheels in my head begin to spin.

I would sign 24 Christian rock bands. I would sit them down and instill the idea that they would need to stick together. They would need to help each other. I would need a commitment from them for two nights a week. Sundays and Wednesdays. These would be Christian rock shows. 3 bands would perform a night. All bands would be required to go o all shows. If the average band was 4 people this means we would have a garraunteed draw of 100 people per show. Nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd. This hundred would easily turn into 300 which in my mind would turn into thousands in a very short time. I was going to get rich off Christian rock!

I played the scenario through in my head and it ended with a sold out stadium and me backstage bragging about how much money I'm making off Christians and that I'm not a Christian. Someone overhears me. I'm exposed.

Everyone turns on me. I become hated by the world.

So I chose to start a talk show instead.

I take things personally

The one problem about having a job is that eventually people want to talk to you.

D: what are you trying to say to me?

F: Its a simple question

D: it's not a question at all it's a personal attack. Your asking me if I'm stupid.

F: I just wanted to know if you knew how to use tools.

D: I worked construction for years. Both the home owners and the boss yelled at me but I know how to use tools. Just make sure to ask which room they want you to demo before you demo a room.

The romantic stage (between comedy bros)

Duke's walking in the forest of El Toro. Breadth walking. Affirmations.

D: Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels. I'm a lean mean comedy killing machine. All that I need is within me now. Nothing tastes as good as Mrs. Fields.

Ryan is in a business suit. Duke walks by.

R: I think you should cry.

D: Ryan?

R: I think you should cry.

D: Are you a business man?

R: I think you should cry.

D: You're in a suit.

R: I'm in Real Estate. But you need a cry. I can see it.

D: What are you talking about?

R: Like I said, I'm in Real Estate.

D: What does that have to do with me crying?

R: You need to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough.

D: I'm not sure if that's for me.

Business guy walks up with a sandwich.

Ryan is giving Duke weird looks.

B: The house on mertyl is BOM. Back on market. Who's this?

D: I'm Duke.

B: How do you know this prep?

Ryan is making a face no.

D: Around town. I'll see you guys later.



(Side idea- incorporate Ryan's skits into movie ie. he helps me talk to agents "Don't go there." He helps me interview for agencies "1 million dollars". He teaches kids not to do drugs. He give's me come back tips like the fart break down. He trains me in comedy."

My sidekick lover helps with my book

Me: You're good man.

Sidekick: It's just what I do

M: I want to write a book.

S: I read.

M: A kids book. I want to teach a lesson.

S: I'm gonna do a kids book.

M: What's you're story?

S: I don't know. I do know that kids like spaceships and dinosaurs. I'll probably write some type of spaceship dinosaur book.

M: Sounds like a hit. I want mine to teach a lesson. It'll be some type of metaphor for the world around you. The stuff around you. Look around you. All the stuff around you is there because you made a choice that everything around you is in the place it's supposed to be in. Maybe everything around you is rad and it's just always been that way. That's called luck. Maybe everything around you is shit. That's bad luck. Sometimes when you have bad luck it's time to make some choices. Maybe it's time to start getting rid of some of the shit.

S: I didn't make a choice.

M: Neil Pert says that If you don't choose you still have made a choice.

S: Who's in you're book?

M: Bonky. That's the hero's name. Bonky is way cool, but he's unlucky.

S: Let me guess, he gets lucky.

M: He likes life. He sees life as something beautiful. He thinks you can always see beauty. He thinks nature is beautiful. He's sensitive and is available to learn lessons from the universe. He's Bonky

S: Maybe Bonky can hang with dinosaurs and spaceships?

M: Sounds pretty cool.

Me and my new friend

Me: I don't usually work with artists. I like comedic timing.

New guy: I have timing. You need that in art.

Me: Are you street trained? Do you do have street smarts?

New Guy: I'm classically trained.

Me: I used to breakdance. I'll saw the movie breakin so I understand that there's quite a tension between the street talent and the school talent.

New Guy: The school wins every time.

Me: If you are schooled you don't die as much. Street artists have to worry about the third rail. I saw beat street. The king of the beat.

Me: The question is can you draw comedy?

New guy: I think I can.

Me: Let's see what you got.

The artist shows a couple pics that he just jotted down during the conversation.

Me: I'm looking for a sidekick. I need someone. I can't be alone. I need an artist drawing me. What's your schedule like, I want someone who can be around.

New guy: I live with my parents and I just got laid off at boarders books and music, so my schedule is pretty clear.

Me: You live with your parents? How old are you?

New guy: I'm 40

Me: Ok your hired. Can you draw me with my shirt off?

New guy: I guess.

Therapist opening scene

What am I doing in Orange County? Republicans, breast surgery, Christians. Where do I fit in?

I feel checkmated by life. I feel dead on the inside. Where do I go from here?

Do I learn how to sail? Bye some boating shoes? Wear them with no socks?

I've been abandoned. No one likes me. Why do I need people so much and at the same time hate them. Why don't people talk to me? I hate it when people talk to me.

Do I start playing golf? I hate people that play golf.

Should I go to church? I like being around people. It feels good. I like to feel like I have people who are there for me. I like to sing songs. Church has some songs. Plus I can sing on key when I'm singing in a group.

I don't believe any of the core beliefs but does that really matter? It's just about getting together and having fun, right? Do you think I should go to church?

I used to be scared of hell. But I like the donuts at church.

What's wrong with me? I just need someone to support me. I need a partner. I need a side kick.

I can't do this on my own. I have to find the right person. I won't be alone.

Is it weird to have a voice in your head that says I want to stab myself? I don't really want to but I still have the voice. Usually after I say something stupid.

I laid on the couch all day the other day and ate all my kids candy. I'm depressed. I just want to make people laugh and I just want a sidekick.

Sidekicks

My movie idea is very lame but I think it can be made easy and have a few laughs. That's what my goal is, to create a movie that's easy to make and has laughs and maybe a lesson.

The theme is the codependent triangle. The helper, the persecutor, and the victim.

It's about sidekicks. A funny man and a straight man. It's about friendship. It's about betrayal. It's about being let down. It's about the need for other people. It's about using other people to feel complete.

I've been left. My sidekick has left me for an improv troupe. I'm alone.

I need someone. I'm looking outside of show business. I'm with an artist.

It's a new relationship. My old side kick was sexy. Rod is skinny and a man. Not too sexy. He's nerdy. He's a great artist. He has the look. The comedy nerd look which is very in these days. People are jealous that my sidekick has the comedy nerd look. It's really hard to find.

My comedy book told me that I need a comedy work out buddy. That's Nathan. He has a long time sidekick. They do skits about teaching school and teaching tennis. They can read each other on stage. They've been together for years. They will never break up.

I bring Rod to a work out session.

We throw ideas off each other. We have a good comedy workout on at doheny beach.

We are walking down the bike path. Me and Nathan are talking and Rod is speaking with Nathan's sidekick. Nathan tells me he's cheating on his sidekick with a new sidekick. I'm shocked. "But you guys work so well together. I looked up to you guys as a duo."

The next workout session is with Nathan's new sidekick. Me, Rod and Ryan. They do flawless earthy hippy love scenes into bloody metal ones. Ryan knows everything about comedy and is very opinionated.

I meet Ryan at a business function and he is in his suit and tie. No one at work can know what he does on the side. Me and Ryan hang out and decide to write some comedy.

Nathan doesn't want to leave his partner but really likes performing with Ryan. Ryan is left in the cold when Nathan has gigs with his other partner.

Me and Ryan start to hang out. We have a sweet gig together.

I tell Rod to focus on art and get out of the comedy game. He's crushed.

I'm with Ryan.

But Nathan ends up leaving his partner.

Ryan leaves me for Nathan.

Nathan's partner blames me for introducing him to Ryan.

I'm alone.

I try to get Rod back but he's in art school.

I decide to go solo.

The End.

Focus

OK so I've heard the line "You are what you eat" and it definitely applies to me right now in more ways than one. I've been eating candy and ice cream in morning for breakfast. I don't know why I'm doing it but I am. I tell myself, "Duke, I don't think you are going to have a good day if you eat this candy first thing in the morning." But I ignore that voice and listen to another, louder voice which says, "Fuck it."

After I eat the ice cream and candy I lay on the couch and start regretting the past and basically regretting the present and future. I see no hope. I'm laying in this mess of bleakness and when I'm there it seems almost impossible to get out. My wife even takes the hint and gets her and the kids out of the house.

I am what I eat. The food I eat and the thoughts I decide to buy into.

The one thing that I give myself credit for and ata boys for is that I have done yoga and writing every day for over 48 days straight.

At least I'm flexible.

I knew going into this (I kind of have this goal in my head to do 90 days in a row to create a habit) that road blocks would appear. It's so weird that we have this part of ourselves that wants us to fail. A part of ourselves that is comfortable failing.

I don't want to fail. I'm at war right now. I'm at war within myself. There's great battles being waged right now and I'm hoping that I can come out of it still breathing.

Atheism is for rich people. When you are poor it's too much to not have some type of a universal supreme being. It's too much to not have some type of a force to tap into.

Knowledge doesn't do it for me when all the walls of my life and my brain are caving in on me. I need a place to go. I need to something to give these problems to. Maybe poor people are week.

I believe there is more than what we can see. This spiritual realm is where I want to focus my time and energy. The bottom line is it's much more fun to believe in a higher power. A fourth dimension.

The democrats loose because they try to sell you rational thought. The republicans win because they sell you emotion. Emotion wins every time, even if it's a lie.

I need both. There's something strong in the realm of emotion. I don't want to get lost there but I do want to spend time there. There's something beyond thought, something that holds power.

I am what I focus on and I want to focus on the spirit. To live in the spirit is to be alive.

It's also just more fun than.

Fear

I'm in a deep depression. Was on the couch all day. Ate half of my sons halloween candy. I'm obsessed with Woody Allen films. I hate my life. I'm fucked up on bad thoughts.

I want to snap on my wife and my kids.

I'm nothing.

I'm doing nothing.

I'm creating nothing.

I'm speeding the time along.

I don't matter right now.

I'm having a breakdown.

I don't want to be here.

I'm stuck.

I don't see a way out. The light of hope has gone out.

I'm stuck. I can't move.

I don't have what it takes.

It's what they a call a loser in the game of life.

I'm an idiot. I'm a bigger idiot for putting this on the web. Who cares no one reads this shit.

What the fuck is my problem?

I have this notion that money would solve everything. I have a not so hidden belief that I don't have a problem that money couldn't solve.

I also know somewhat that I would still be miserable. At least that's what the rich fucks that spend their time on the golf course and hosting catered meals with friends tell me.

Fuck you!!!!

To learn that money won't solve your problems is a lesson I would love to learn.

If I had one wish it's to learn the lesson that money can't buy happiness because I don't believe it for a second.

I'm trapped. I'm tied down. I'm forced to put up with what I'm given.

I've tried to brainwash myself into believing that the world stuff doesn't matter, but I can't stuff these emotions. They're coming out.

I'm sick of being something that I'm not.

I'm sick of not knowing what I am.

What the fuck am I?

Can I get a little clarity here. I feel like I've thrown away years of my life.

I'm depressed.

-------

I have a problem with authority but I yearn for direction. When I get it I say fuck you.

I'm a guy who thinks for himself who won't think for himself.

Am I lazy?

Nothing lasts longer than a few months.

I can't listen to others and I won't think for myself. I'm trapped in this place.

I hate people. present company included.

I love people.

I need a direction.

So pick one.

When I do people hate me. Fuck you people.

When I don't pick one I hate me.

Stupid people follow direction.

I'm stupid but I have some level of genius beneath everything. It's that god damn underground river. I can't tap into it.

I don't want to make any stupid choices. I don't want to hurt anyone, but sometimes when you decide not to hurt people you hurt them more. (You're people pleasing me so much it's pissing me off.)

I'm afraid of standing for something so I'm just lying on the couch.

Fuck you fear.

Drunk Firemen

We all know that firemen are cool. They show up and everyone is glad to see them. They always make things better. We all love firemen.

Unless....

You are doing comedy at a bar that is hosting a once a year firemen celebration/fundraiser/let's get shit faced event.

I first step into this bar and there's 100 firemen drinking up a storm and going crazy for some bag pipers. The whole place is clapping, everyone has a mustache, they are all very loud, very big, and don't really look like they want to hear comedy.

The host who went up before me was struggling hard. He threw out the idea of doing any material and stuck with crowd work. It didn't matter. A drunk fireman went on stage and attempted to pull the plug for the PA system. The DJ stopped him and as the DJ was taking him off the stage the drunk fireman was yelling, "This guy sucks. He's terrible."

I was up next and it just felt like even more people were talking. There was 50 people at the bar with their backs to me, all chatting up a storm. The people sitting on the sides of the room were all carrying very loud conversations. And there I was, on stage. Alone with a mike which still made it hard for people to hear me over the voices.

I had three girls in back watching, one guy in the middle and two gals up front.

I made the guy laugh. I heard him say, "This guy is funny."

That made me feel good. I didn't want to quit.

Make it fun and the funny will come.

Surfstyle

I'm a spiritual being having a human experience. This human experiance is involving a lot of Halloween candy, self obsession, and comedy. That's my magic combo. I just got home from interviewing Marty laquidera for my podcast and after that I did some stand up at hennysees. The crowd was filled with fireman in kilts who were not there to see comedy. I still was funny for the people watching.

When I had a spiritual mentor he taght me to medtate. My first meditation was to surfstyle skate while entering the realm of the unborn buddha mind.

Bankei was a spiritual teacher from the 1600's. He was enlightned and taght others to be enlightened. He taught the unborn buddah mind, which is behind all the thoughts.

Surfstyle skateboarding is a stylish form of downhill skating. It's not about bombing hills straight but it's about floating the board back and forth with style. This is when thought stops and the unborn is close to the surface.

Walking up hills is an important part of surfstyle, you do a lot of it. One of the best spiritual lessons of surfstyle is learning to enjoy the walk up.

Enjoy the walk up and get unborn on the way down.

Surfstyle.