The appropriate time

I'm that kid. The kid that wants what he wants right now! There's no rationalizing with that kid; he doesn't give a fuck. I'm him, he's me. The kid throws a tantrum and screams. Fuck you for saying no and fuck anyone who stands in my way of what I want now!

That's me. The only problem is I'm naturally quiet; I'm quiet on the outside. Anger is not tolerated in this family. Anger is an emotion I'm not allowed to have. So what do I do? I stuff it. I stay quiet. I stay alone with Ny thoughts. I'm an island. I let no one in. This is my life, the grown version of the kid.

When a kid gets angry he looses it. Kicks, screams, cries. But the 5 minutes later he's happy and seemingly forgets what the big deal is. He got all the bad emotion out of him. But as we train this kid to live in society he learns to shove down those emotions until no one can see any of them. Good boy. This is me the good boy.

The problem is I'm so good it fucked me up. There was too much too stuff. Dad leaving at 5 and then then dying at 12. Mom crying to a fourth grader about how hard life is. Her search for father figures for me. My search for father figures for me. Stuff it down. Don't feel, don't express.

Now I have kids. Now I'm the father. My oldest kid is 6 so I beat the record for staying with the family. Now I just have to live passed age 12 and I'm on top!

What happens after years of stuffing these things down? All I can say is that everything comes around. Deal with it now. Most of my problems come from the inability to do or say the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. As a result I deal with life at innapropriate times.

At least today I honestly want to face things.

You saved my life

I don't know if you can tell by looking at me but I experimented with a lot of LSD as a young adult. The first 2 or 9 times were really fun. I fell in love with it. Then I got arrested with 50 hits blah blah blah... Ever since then it wasn't really fun. I would take it and then just start thinking about my life and how it was going drastically wrong. It became the opposite of fun.

There's a place called the nude bowl in Palm Springs. It's an abandoned pool in the middle of nowhere. Someone planned a party, 10 bands, beer, drugs and chicks. They made fliers and passed them out at school. My band was on the bill. The school found the flier and made an announcement that they were notifying the police.

All the bands backed out. Fuck that. Not my band, we went. We drive two hours and make it to the spot. Cars everywhere. The band sets up, skaters are skating, the suns setting and me and the guys drop LSD right before it's time to start playing. Not one minute after we take the acid about 5 cop cars pull up. The band didn't play one note. Everyone just dropped acid and we had to leave.

Where to go? Camping. We drove for an hour or so and ended up at the Wildemar camp ground. 30 kids frying on acid in the middle of nowhere. All kinds of crazy crap happened that night but my favorite part was staring at the fire. It kept turning different colors, I maybe saw it turn 20 different colors. I could of stared all night. It was all I wanted to do. Stare at the fire and drink cold beers from my cooler. Keystone light, a bottled taste in a can.

Someone had a bright idea to bring an axe to cut firewood. If you have a large group on acid in the middle of nowhere the chances are that some might be a little crazier than others. We had one that was definitely off the deep end that night. Somehow or another he got the axe. He was slowly walking around us looking very creepy with a distinct evil in his eyes.

I looked in those sinister eyes and I heard him mumble to himself,"I'm gonna kill somebody." What the fuck! I just wanted to stare at the fire. He eventually killed my cooler. That's when I thought it might be a good time to move a few campsites down.

For what it's worth I ran into this guy a few years later and he gave me a job working construction. He had quit drinking and doing drugs. I looked in his eyes remembering the evil but all I saw was love.

That guy saved my life.

The feast

The journey is fine it's the arriving that scares me
The searching is open but the finding is blinding
The looking is important to me and seeing what's there
Beyond the cloak and into the universe
Of inner realms and being
The journey is what I always wanted but holding on to
Things that seem normal holds me back
Frozen in time with only a chance to thaw
But breaking is only a thought I can call
Come with your tired feet and hungry hearts and feast in the
...

My life here

I'm tired but still I dance
I play my song and see beauty
I'm scared to break the trance
But still I'm searching

I'm a Dad, A husband, and a seeker
I seek truth and look inside
What I see is freakier
Than if nighttime strangers collide

Holding truth and loosing grip
To all things old
Is the cup of life I sip
As paths unfold

Illusions create choices
So strong they work
And as I find the hidden voices
I tackle the ultimate jerk

So this is life as I am here
To cooperate with circumstance
And walk through fear
Giving meaning to seeming chance

It's not so easy now

They say that youth is wasted on the young. Sometimes it's all right in front of you; you think you need to get to some other place but really all you need to do is look around because right now all is well. Look inside and seek truth. Follow your gut and a path will develop. When you're young it doesn't matter, you've got nothing to loose. This is why fear in the young adult is such bullshit.

Don't listen to people you don't respect. The difference between those who make it and those who don't? The one's who don't make it were told they suck all the time and the ones who make it are those who were told they suck almost all the time.

When you're young you have nothing to loose. Maybe you think you have time to loose. If you go for something you desire and fail then you've wasted those years. This is the fear. So you listen to mom and play it safe. The years fly by when you play it safe. You get stuff. A lot of luggage.

And then one day you wake up to realize that playing it safe was really what made you loose the time. Playing it safe is like time travel into the future. And when you wake up regret starts to seep in. Then you try to overcompensate but life has tied you down. You realize how easy it would have been when you were younger.

It's easy to go all in with nothing but the clothes on your back but what happens after the time travel? What if you wake up mid life and still want to save your soul? It's not easy. It's kind of like that camel through the eye of a needle shit. No one does it. Except me.

I've had the house, the care, the income. Those three things have vanished. I have a wife. I have two young children. I have things to loose. But still I hold on to my guns when I say that nothing is worse than loosing your soul. I think that winning your soul is number one. What kind of husband am I with no soul? What kind of father am I who doesn't follow his own truth?

So you've got to do it. There is a way out of hell but you've got to turn around and start walking out. I choose to leave my situation, I choose life and choose to be a man. I choose to be an example for my kids and I don't care what I have to walk through to get there.

A love story

There's something missing. Something familiar yet lost. Something deep inside. Something locked up. The key is missing. This key is the key to make you complete. It's the key that makes life worth living. It's the key that opens your eye's in a way that allows you to see beauty. With the key you can see beauty you never saw previously. This is the key to the kingdom!

Without this key you experience loneliness beyond comprehension. Anxiety, depression, emptiness and pain. Mostly all of the different kinds of suffering are in your immediate perspective. Life is meaningless. Life is dark, scary, pointless and meaningless.

Then one day you look up and you meet someone. Someone who holds the key. They give you the key and you unlock something wonderful. Words cannot describe the feelings you have towards the universe. Everything makes since. Wonderment surrounds you. Not only does the magical new world become available to you but you have someone to share it with. Life means something at last.

Movies, bike rides, long talks, and late nights. You're growing spiritually at an amazing rate and never before have you felt so alive. Your muse has also come to visit you and the heavens begin to use you as a vessel for beautiful poetry, music and art. You can't remember what life was like before you had access to this key.

Then one day your someone with the key takes away the key and leaves. Colors immediately turn to black and white. The darkness reappears. Your soul goes back into hibernation. You quickly become a shell of a human. You get lost in your mind. You don't see the world at all anymore. All you see is hell. A hell within your mind.

This goes on for years until you hear a Neil Young song. You search for someone who is turning and when you find this person you begin to turn.

If you are lucky (and this journey doesn't kill you; as it does many who dare to embark on it) then you learn something. You have the key. It's just a matter of opening your eyes, find someone who's turning, and hold on to your focus.

These are the good times

I used to ride motorcycles to the movies with my old mentor and drink large bottles of Dr. Pepper and stay up very late. Whenever it was time to ride our motorcycles he would say, "Are you ready for the good times?" It felt at the time that those were times that would be remembered as the best. They were definitely times that have been put on the permanent hard drive.

My 6 year old woke up at 2:30 am asking if it was time to open presents. That went on for a few hours. My mom showed up at 6am and the kids bolted downstairs. I woke up and immediately had a panic attack! The kids had a pretty good Christmas. They're both crying and in a terrible mood now that all the festivities have drained everything out of them.

Sometimes it's tough to see the beauty of the forest when the ugly trees are staring you in the face. Ugly trees being screaming and crying accompanied with uncomfortable thinking. But I stop that thinking as soon as I notice it and focus on my awesome wife and how cool it really is spending time with the kids.

There's no better feeling than making the kids laugh and we've definitely been doing a lot of that lately. Even with the bad this truly is a wonderful life when I just make it a point to open my eyes and see with my heart.

Time to eat

Christmas is tomorrow and all the gifts I got for the family aren't good enough! OK let's not stress out here. Calm down. Be cool man!

I got out of a Christmas party that has a bunch of people I would never see unless I went to this party. I'm having panic attacks. My kids are whining. I'm locked in a head of thoughts. I'm tired. I don't have a talk show. I have over half of a screenplay. I don't know what's going on.

Pull it together man. Think of something good.

My wife is beautiful. She's cooking dinner right now. I love my kids. Life is good when I stay cool. Stay cool man.

Focus on others. Focus on what you can give to the situation. (I'm talking to myself here.) I'm rambling thoughts and posting them on the internet like a crazy man. Ok be cool man.

"Daddy time to eat!"

Speak up

It's rained for a week in my neck of the woods; flooding, closed roads, the whole nine yards. The big water run off drainage canal like the one from the Jack Nicholson Movie China Town was raging with rapids. I heard there was a 6 foot stationary wave at the end right before the ocean.

The rain stopped today. My sons and I walked down to the beach; it was trashed. The water is brown and muddy and the beach is covered with bamboo sticks and tennis balls. My sons like to get the bamboo sticks and play Star Wars; I usually have to stop them from killing each other.

I found an old basket ball and I was kicking it like a soccer ball down the beach. My son and I were kicking it back and forth to each other. Sooner or later my son gave up on soccer and went back bamboo Star Wars fights. I continued to dribble the ball with my feet down the beach. Another family approached us coming from the opposite direction; A Couple with two sons. The mom had a big bag of tennis balls she was collecting she said to me, "I told my kids there would be a ton of balls here, they didn't believe me." I smiled at her and continued to dribble the ball past her. Then her son comes up to me and picks up my basket ball and runs over to his mom saying, "Look mom I found a basketball." Then I said nothing.

I was thinking that I should tell the kid, "Hey that's my basketball!" But then I thought what do I want with an old basketball. It's not that big of a deal Duke. Let it go. Then I thought fuck that little kid I should say something. Then I thought no I shouldn't. This thinking continued for a long time as my stomach increasingly tightened up.

For one thing, why do I care? Why do I dwell on such a thing? But it's a symbol of my problem. I don't speak my mind up front. I push it down and then years later it comes to the surface in messed up ways like panic attacks.

So this is just a reminder to speak up for yourself even when it's not a big deal, who knows maybe you can avoid cancer.

Thoughts, words, and intentions

What I think, what I say, and what I intend to have happen. I say these three things everyday after my home yoga practice to remind me of something.

My mind can really get me, and not in a good way. If I decide to go asleep at the wheel my mind takes over. It takes over with self obsession, with jealousy, with envy, greed and the rest of the 7 deadly sins. It's repeated thinking based in fear. There's no need to have the same thought twice unless you enjoy having that thought.

The way I talk is what builds my world. The way I describe my world is what leads to perspective. It's all about perspective and this life has a full spectrum of perspectives from negative to positive. My words are powerful.

My intent. This is where it starts. I can think it through. What is it. Become aware. Be awake and act out your true intent.

We are judged on our actions and not our intentions.

What's next

I've got a feeling that I'm flying
It's more than if I'm dying
I'm holding on to something great
I don't know but I can't wait
Singing in the shower
A voice that displays power

My luck is turning round
I'm no longer looking down
Cement is just for feet
And I'm walking to the beat
It's just a different type of way
And there's a place that I can stay
If I want to
If I'm so inclined
If I want to
The world wouldn't mind
Traveling through space
My time has quit the race
And all the circumstances stop
My problems I did drop

I'm in love with just a thought
But it's gone and all I've got
Is words that can't explain
And a picture that once came
With a sub text
and that's what's next

Aterations

Night time thinking
In thought I'm sinking
Controlled illusions
Turned delusions
Unspoken truth
A girl named Ruth
Hitting home
Sitting alone
Tired eyelids
Fired sky bids
Timely situations
Finally alterations

What haunts me

Beautiful mistakes, wonderful one takes
Upside down thoughts and a head of banging pots
Lipstick instincts and lost pattern pinks
Teary eyed soul and a shifting pole
A whirling ball and a lonely stall
A stand up freak and an absent mystique

These are the beautiful mistakes that haunt me

It's a comedy

A bromance cheater movie set to the backdrop of a zany world of a failed talk show host.

Duke wants a friend but what he has is a fan. Chipper has a BFF but wants a new best friend. Chipper is torn between his BFF and his new bromance with Ryan. Ryan wants to hang with Chipper but Chipper once again has a BFF. The next best thing is Duke. Duke leaves his fan to hang out with Ryan. Eventually Chipper leaves his BFF and Ryan leaves Duke for Chipper.

What is a hipster? What is cool? What is an outsider? What is true uniqueness?

These and so many more questions will be answered.

Goodnight song

Goodnight Indy, Goodnight Stone
Remember that Dad loves you
Goodnight Indy, Goodnight Stone
Remember that Dad Loves you
I love my Indy and I love my Stone
I will never leave you alone
I love my Indy I love my Stone
All that I have is love
All of my love for Indy and Stone
reaches further than the stars above
Turn out the lights
and rest your head
The dream tonight
From your bed
is good
it's good
it's good

Hate

What's up with these blog topics I'm coming up with lately? It's the first thought in the morning.

First off, before I get into the topic, I want to congratulate myself for writing and practicing yoga for 90 days in a row! Yeah for me.

I have no idea what I was thinking this morning.

Hate.

There's definitely a lot of that stuff to go around in this life. It's free to all of us. It's so easy too. It's incredibly easy to hate. It's natural. It also makes you feel alive. In junior high it was the only way to talk. "I hate Mr. Pearson, he's such a total dick!" "School sucks so bad; I hate it." It's talk like this that can lead to making out with your girl friend behind the baseball diamond during recess.

There's a few problems that go along with hate. Sure it feels kind of warm, kind of like a friend, and makes us feel alive but it hurts us. Like alcohol it's a poison; a poison that can get us high.

Side note: I love feeling high.

If hate is free and so easily available to us then I would have to assume that love is too. The problem is I don't gravitate towards love. I gravitate towards hate. Maybe this is original sin.

Maybe hate is the road of least resistance and the irony of it all is that it causes the most resistance and friction.

The path of the most resistance? Love. And ironically also it creates a life of less friction and resistance. It's so much easier said than done.

How do I get myself to walk on the same side of the street as love? My only answer is a form of hatred. I think I've found a loop hole, it's called revenge. Who doesn't want to get revenge for being wronged.

Here's the big jedi mind trick: Let love be your revenge.

You're always surrounded

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I wrote down that topic. I write down these blog topics first thing in the morning and I know I had a point but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it right now.

You're always surrounded? Who's surrounding me? People? Work? Maybe that was it. My company is big brother. They have people watching the people who are watching people. It's got me paranoid.

I'm surrounded by beauty if I want to be. I was driving in the middle of New Mexico for over 3 hours and the sky was beautiful. If I want to see the original creator I just have to look up. Sometimes I forget how much beauty is around me.

I have love surrounding me. Permeating my entire being. All I have to do is feel it. Sometimes I try so hard not to feel.

You can feel when you want to; look for the love.

Meeting the comedy old guy

So I'm hanging in Albuquerque and I somehow meet someone. Don't ask me how I do it because I don't know. People never believe me but weird shit happens in my world. I met this older gentleman. I like older people by the way. I used to work as a waiter in a retirement high-rise. I had the bowl cut; my favorite haircut. I loved the Beatles in high school. I remember the old people loved my hair. They would always comment on it and I would prepare myself for something like, "Get a haircut sonny!" but instead I would get, "Hey son, I would give anything for your head of hair." They loved it.

Older people have wisdom. At least that's what I like to believe.

So I met this 83 year old man who worked in show business for 60 years. He was a comedy writer and performer. He wrote jokes for famous comedians, was a writer on a show called laugh in (which gave Goldie Hawn her big break), he wrote for Bill Cosby and all kinds of other shows and cool people. I told him I was an aspiring comedian and he said we should have lunch.

We met at the Frontier which is a cool restaurant right by the University of New Mexico and he bought me lunch. I got to hear his story, ask him for advice, and listen to a very cool man for an hour. He watched my comedy and he said that he liked it a lot. Then he asked me how I came up with the technique pf repeating everything that I say. He said it was very unique, he'd never seen it done before. I had no idea what he was talking about until I figured out that he pushed play twice on my youtube video and that's why I was repeating everything.

So the lesson here is that I'm very funny if you play two of my videos at the same time for an echo effect. Thank you sir.

Where is your noise coming from?

Is it the little screaming?
Is it the pretty dreaming?
Is it the friendly comments?
Is it the working audits?
Is it the TV?
Or is it me?
Is it in the outer?
Coming through the router?
Or in between my ears?
Multiplying fears
Deeper till you're lost
Further down and what's the cost?
My life?
My wife?
My friends? My work?
No end? To become a jerk?
Questions stare like stardust
Till we smash the final bust
This is where the trip begins
This is where what once was ends
And after that it's unexplored
But that's what this life is for

Loneliness

I'm in my hotel room after work half watching a Sandra Bullock and Josh Brolin movie while half writing this blog while ignoring the thought that this lap top is giving me lap cancer. When I was 20 I was lonely beyond belief. I was one of those guys surrounded by friends who felt like he had no friends. How is that possible? Don't quite know but I seem to pull off stuff like that.

When I quit drinking and did some internal work on myself things in the loneliness area began to change. I became comfortable with myself. I met my wife. I really haven't been alone since. I've been the opposite of alone. I became surrounded. Too loved. Is that possible? I seem to pull these things off.

But now I've got this job that leaves me alone for weeks at a time. I'm tasting the loneliness again. The one comforting thing is that I have a family waiting for me. I love them.

I think sometimes you need to get away to see what's underneath it all. What's there when all the music of life stops?

You don't know panic attacks!

Ever since the TAL episode came out I've received a fairly good size of responses from people. I seem to be fairly polarizing. I've got a lot of positive responses but I've also got a lot of negative ones too. Here's a comment on my website I received the other day:

Comment: I just got to say Your pretty funny guy. Sorry but only about 1/100 th of the amount of funny required for television success. Cant understand why it took so long for you to see that? Also dude please read up on panic attacks. You haven't a clue as to what a true panic attack is. It is just a bit irritating to hear someone talk about having 1/2 hour or 6 month long panic attacks when I have had REAL panic attacks. You'd probably last about 10 seconds before screaming in horror if you ever were so unfortunate to experience a REAL panic attack. hmm Maybe that is the problem you don't really know that much about people. Probably necessary to be a successful talk show host. Take care.

End of comment

First off I want to say this, I never said that I thought my show was at the level of quality to be on TV. I also never felt that my performance as a talk show host was ever really a level that could compete with the big boys. There's a difference between a) seeing something that is and claiming it to be brilliant and b) having a vision for the potential of something to be brilliant.

I quit my job after the first show. If you watch that first show and judge my actions by what can be seen on youtube you'll think I'm crazy. And with good reason; the first show sucked. But what everyone can see with their eyes is not always the truth. At least it wasn't my truth. What I saw was a vision of something great. The one thing that I wish I could have gotten across on that show was that I don't believe that I ever achieved my vision. I came short.

One of the things I learned is that it's hard to be funny when your not having fun. It's also hard to be funny when you are reading jokes off of a cue card written by someone else who just gave them to you before the show started while you are directing and worrying about cameramen, cast, guests, and audience at the same time. I still do believe I have what it takes. If I had half the support that a real talk show has and I had the chance to just concentrate on being funny I do believe that I have something special. I don't think that my true talent as a host is displayed on my talk show but I do still believe it is within me.

As for panic attacks this gentlemen has know idea that I have been through hell with an anxiety disorder. At age 15 I started to have almost paralyzing panic attacks. Heart palpations, a psycho feeling that something is terribly wrong, followed by thoughts and feelings of terror. I used to stay in my room for weeks at a time. I had to hold on to my moms shoulder to walk. I was ready for the fucking loony bin. I was fucking crazy and fucking scared. I had an MRI, I was checked by all kinds of doctors and psychologists. I would have two or three a day for a week straight and then they would go away for a year or two and then come back. Panic attacks are like the hiccups, when you get one more come and they're hard to stop.

As I grew older I learned ways to deal with this problem. One thing I learned was how to not be so attached to my thoughts. The thoughts were the scariest part of the attack, they made it worse. I learned that exercise and eating right were a big part of it. I learned that meditation was helpful. I learned that direct communication was good so I don't just stuff my feelings.

But the thing is this stuff is ingrained in me and I fall off the wagon. When I first met Lesley I had panic attacks worse than ever before. More frequent and longer. Eventually I had so much practice dealing with them that I learned how to act like they weren't happening at all.

To this day they still haunt me. I just want to say to this person who wrote me the comment that when I say all day long and six months at a time I am not lying. I am not exaggerating. Imagine those terrible real attacks that you have been victim to lasting every few minutes for a day. Imagine them leaving you for a few days only to come back 4 days later. Imagine you so called real attacks not going away. I have lived it. I do live it. So go fuck yourself with your little once in a while "real" panic attack and say something when you've truly experienced hell like I have.

Heaven is for people who are scared of hell; spirituality is for those who have been there.

Hotels

Some of the nicer hotels are not as nice as a notch down (that doesn't make sense). I'm really ADD right now. I'm listening to Bill Burr's podcast as I write this while I'm monitoring walkers out in the field. I just want to get my writing done before I get off work.

You can always relax better after you've done what you've agreed with yourself to do. I've made a commitment to myself to do yoga and write. My mind and my body and my comedy and my movie are included in those two.

I'm a little crazy right now due to a week alone in a strange town. Which brings me back to hotels. Why the fuck am I talking about hotels? I don't know. For some reason I wrote that down this morning.

My hotel is pretty cool; 47 inch flat screen, L-couch and wet bar area with a desk work area and then two queen size beds. It's clean, classy feeling, and nice. It also has a complimentary breakfast.

I'm not in the mood to write right now. I have no real desire to write about hotels.

I'm in Albuquerque. What to do here? I don't know, but I'm hoping I can get most of my screenplay finished. I have 47 scenes outlined and I've written the dialog for 14 scenes. I'm handwriting the first draft and will do the second draft in final cut.

That's all I have.

big brother

I'm watching you!

Please don't watch me.

I'm sorry but it's my job.

You have a job to watch me?

Yes they pay me to watch you and report back to the corporate big wigs the exact nature of all your doings.

I don't feel so good.

That's because it doesn't feel good to be watched; unless you're into some freaky sex shit.

I don't believe you.

You can believe what you want but the fact remains that I stand in front of you with this camera. Say cheese.

Please don't point that camera at me.

It's my job; I'm a professional.

You're distracting me from my work.

You're distracting me from my work too. If you wouldn't talk to me so much and focus on working then I can focus on taking pictures of you working.

This job isn't as fun anymore now that I know people are watching me.

It's called work; it's not called fun.

I still like to have fun when I'm working, it makes me feel like I have a little sense of dignity.

My job is to take away your dignity.

I would rather keep it.

Sorry it's already in my camera awaiting shipment to corporate where they will then judge you and your worthiness.

I'm depressed.

Good I'm doing my job.

I'm numb.

Now you're getting the hang of things.

Shopping with Mom

There's something about shopping with my Mom that usually puts me on edge. I think she is the one that ruined shopping for me; in fact I'm traumatized. As a youngster just wanting nothing more than to get the fuck out of the mall only to be held hostage in the womens bra section. I was definately traumatized.

To this day I can't be in any type of a store without going into,"I've got to get the fuck out of here" full fledge panic mode. I suppose that's a good thing, I don't waste a lot of money shopping but I also married a shopper so I'm right back to square one.

Today wasn't that bad to tell you the truth, it's been much worse in the past.

I'm so fucking tired right now; sleep for me.

Hate Mail

So the radio show This American Life has a large listener-ship, I heard Ira Glass say it's 2,400,000. So 2,400,000 people were exposed to the Duke Fightmaster Show. I received a lot of encouraging emails but of course I dwell only on the negative. One person hopes that I die alone. Two other people say that I'm basically an egomaniac who doesn't care about my family.

You can get so much good and still only focus on the negative. This is life. My eyes are magnifying glasses and what ever I point them towards grows an enormous amount. If this is the case then the question to life is where are you pointing your glasses.

Mind like water. Water has the perfect response. If you drop a pebble into the pond the pond responds with a ripple. A perfect ripple. A ripple perfectly in proportion to the weight and speed of the rock at impact. If you throw a big rock, the water makes a big splash, again in perfect proportion to the rock.

How many times do we react out of proportion? That question is rhetorical but the answer is many. So place your glasses on the positive and remember Duke there were way more positive comments.

I talk to myself in the third person now.

Bored

Whenever I here the word or think to my self, "I'm bored." I here some adults voice from when I was a kid saying, "That's because you're boring."

OK. I guess I'm boring. That's what happens when you have no direction in life. No people in life except for the TV. When I was a kid I was able to tune out on TV for 18 hours straight. I'm not talking about watching TV and learning things. Complete tune out.

That's my life, a tune out. That's my nature, to tune out. A space cadet. It's not that I'm stupid, I think it might be the opposite (of course I would think that). If you're too smart, maybe smart isn't the right word, too "sensitive" then you are apt to take in more pain. More beauty too, but I tend to lean towards pain. You analyze, you see the worst, you feel the worst.

Who wants to feel the worst? Not me. So I tune out.

So tuning out is boring. It's no way to spend life. I'm numb, years of pain killing boredom has made me numb. I'm trying to break through the numbness, but it goes deep. Almost to the core. But we all have a core and that's where the real deal is. Some people spend their entire life ignoring the core. Others are knocked by life to wake you up. Maybe that's what the random bleakness of life is all about? To wake us up.

I choose being awake, but making the choice is not enough, you have to make a decision. The word decision is similar to the word incision and what it means is to cut yourself off from. To make a decision to not be numb you have to cut yourself off from all things numb.

Love

A feeling?
In your heart?
A vibration?
Maybe an act?
Between people?
Father and child?
Mom and Dad?
Friendship?
Husband and wife?
God?

All of the above and so much more. If you can believe in anything it might as well be love. Right?

Why can't love be a religion?

Think of others. Do for others. Give freely of yourself.

Give love. Don't seek but give.

And don't forget to laugh.

Screenplay

Screenplays to hot days
Always un-phased
sky's touched fists clutched
hatched down and turned around
eyes closed night time doze
undiscovered prickly rose
don't ask the thoughts are true
but so's your gut to steer the crew
I'm underground but over stated
Over loved but sense has faded
True to touch don't want much
Just something more beyond the system
Something for my hearts remission

Leaving the Family

I'm in Fresno or maybe you like to call it Fresyes. I'm away from the family again. I miss them. I love my kids and I love my wife. I wish I was with them. I wish I had the money to spend all my time with them.

I was depressed as usual on the airplane and right as it was about to take off I got a call from a producer that said they wanted my life rights to make a movie about me. I had to hang up because my plane was about to leave but my head was going crazy.

A movie? About me? Do I mind? WTF! No I don't mind, that sounds awesome! What does this mean? It could mean nothing. It probably means nothing. But if it means something?

What if it means when you let go something happens.

Fingers crossed.

You're a homophobic who's harsh torwards women!

I've finished my interview with This American Life and I'm told that the episode will air this Saturday. The reporter called me up for some fact checking to make sure that her story is basically true. She said she might have put a few of the events out of order to make the story come together.

I spent 2 and a half years trying to get publicity for my show, to build a fan base. I wanted to get fans to interact with. I had a segment called "The comments" where I read the youtube comments, which usually told me how much I sucked but I had some fans. It was cool.

I've been telling people the show is on hiatus but I think I'm finally realizing that it's over. And right when it's over I get to have my voice in front of over 2 million people. I've finally got my shot to promote something and I have nothing to promote. Isn't that exactly how this world world works? The moment you stop trying something happens.

The reporter asked me if I had a website or anything that I wanted to promote and I didn't know what to say. My best thinking was that this is an audience that listens to podcasts so I told her to say I'm working on a podcast called Duke's World. They say that a sign of maturity is learning your limitations and working within them. I think podcasting might be outside the realm of my limitations but fuck it I guess I'm not mature yet.

At the last minute I told her to say that I'm an aspiring comedian. She said, "Yeah I listened to your comedy and you're surprisingly harsh. You're harsh on gays and women."

Oh fuck! So not only am I going to be introduced to 2 million people but I might be labeled homophobic and chauvinistic? I told her I had a joke that had the word "homo" in it but it was me reading a youtube comment of someone calling me a homo. I wanted to say that I have a lot of gay friends but then I thought that is what people who are racist say. "I have black friends."

So there you go; I'm getting my publicity and have nothing to promote and have the possibility of being labeled "harsh towards gays and women."

I'm really going places.

Holding on for life

Some people can only get "good" for certain lengths of time. They're just wired that way. They're wired to fuck up. There's family dynamics at work; you've probably heard of the identified problem or the black sheep. I've been both. Then there's the Golden child. The one that can do no wrong. The savior. I've been that one too.

I'm an only child from a broken family. Just me and Mom, but Mom is mostly at work. So our little family has to work in the "identified problem", "Savior", "Victim", "Persecutor" and all the other roles into a family of two. I take on most of the roles at different times. My mom is mostly victim and worrier.

I have the deep seeded need to fuck up. I don't outwardly want to fuck up I'm just born with it embedded into my psyche. I want to be good. Being a fuck up is kind of like being gay. You want to be straight but you just love guys. You're born that way. The choice is easy. It's so easy for me to pick "fuck up". There's something fun about it; it's like I feel love when I'm fucking up. I feel alive when I'm fucking up.

When I'm good I feel numb. After a while feeling bad is better than feeling nothing at all. You can only try to be good for so long, if you're like me, before tearing the roof over your head. People like me have a knack for pulling the roof down at the perfect time too. Usually the time that's most inappropriate for ourselves and the people around us.

I guess I'm just trying to hold on. I'm holding on for my life; it seems that every time you open your eyes in this life something you thought was grounding you slips away. Maybe that's the reason for the "fuck up kid". When I see something vanishing I smash it in an inappropriate way so people can tell me that it exists.

If you see too much you end up seeing an unbalancing amount of perception and getting any reaction from the other patrons of this ride can bring you back. I think I need a shaman. That would be more appropriate, but then they're just fuck ups too, just like yoga teachers.

I'm holding on. I'm searching. At least I can say I'm searching; people who are searching are the best although not always firmly grounded.

Hold on people. Hold on.

God silence

I first became intrigued with the idea of silence when I studied John Cage in school. Cage was fascinated with silence. He was on a quest to experience true silence. The only problem he kept running into was whenever he purposely got quiet there were still sounds from things in this world beyond his control. His musical composition which Cage is most famous for is 4:33. Four minutes and thirty three seconds. This composition can be played with any instrument in any ensemble.

The music is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of nothing. Of silence. What we get is not silence though. Sounds from the audience, the street outside, the theater walls give the true performance. Whatever is heard during this period of "silence" becomes the musical piece.

Cage discovered that even when he tried to be silent there was no silence. He researched the science and went to the only true sound proof room which was located at NASA. We somehow finagled his way in to finally experience true silence.

What happened? Was John Cage one of the only humans to experience true silence?

No.

What happened in the most silent room in the world was he could hear the blood rushing through his veins. You turn off all the sound in the world and still your body is making noises. Cages conclusion was: there is no such thing as silence.

Whenever people talk about silence I always want to tell them that John Cage says there is no such thing as silence. It's my need to be right. Sometimes when you have the need to be right you cut yourself off from learning anything new. And once you stop growing you start dying.

So maybe we could stop thinking about Cage for a second and ask ourselves what does silence mean in the context of spirituality?

Is God silent? I try to speak with him but with no direct communication. Is God passive aggressive? They say to respect God's clock. You have to wait.

What if God is the silence. I'm totally rambling right now.

In mediation we get quiet. Why? To get beyond our thoughts. To get beyond our brains. To get to a place of higher awareness. The more time we spend in this silence the more we bring calm and wisdom to our real life. We are borrow wisdom from the silence.

Who's gonna take time to get quiet? Some nerd who has nothing better to do. Actually nerd think too much but maybe someone will think his way into not thinking so he can think better when he does think.

Make sense?

Get silent.

Wisdom and giving

I remember the character Saul from the bible. God asks him what he wants and he says "wisdom". Apparently wisdom is the greatest thing to ask for, it creates prosperity and peace. It gives you answers that allows you to rest assured with yourself and your place in the world.

I like wisdom. I like little truths that guide us in life. Maybe I'm writing this now because I am in search of some guidance.

Depression can't hit a moving target.

You've got to get rid of the "maybes" and "I don't knows" to make room for the "Fuck yeahs!"

I like the Tae Te Ching which I have been told translates into "The way". It's basically saying this is how life works. The book is giving you truth. Sometimes truth is hard to understand.

I like the art of war. More truth here. If you do this then that will happen.

Isn't that all we want? I want to know exactly what I have to do to get "that" to happen. Sop what's "that"?

Money, sex, free time to surf, to hang out with my friends, to create. What gives someone authenticity? That's what I want. I want authenticity.

That's what I'm running from. The fake, the untrue, the lie. How do you escape the fake when the entire world you live in is fake? How do you discover truth when truth is undiscoverable? How do you escape the lie when your world is a lie?

I'm trying but I seem to be running in circles. There's something wrong with the system. There's a chink in the armor and if you examine it everything comes apart.

I'm coming apart. Can I be put together again?

What is the desire to give wisdom? I daydream of the day when I speak to people of the path. The day I own the wisdom and am able to share it. I'm searching for this wisdom which I wish to give away. Is this wisdom enlightenment. I want it. I'm on a quest towards enlightenment and the lights seem to be turned off.

Here's to the search for light.

Is it lost faith?

I'm lost. I'm a wanderer with chronic anxiety drowning in a sea of confusion while burning my stomach with turmoil accompanied by a shame filled head of regret. This is life.

I was like this before. I am back; I'm at square one. What happened? Had I not built a solid foundation upon which to build my home of contentedness? Apparently not because the walls of perception have begun to unravel all around me.

It is true I have learned much but I am beginning to realize why they say that youth is wasted on the young. In junior high I used to indulge in the fantasy of going back in time. If only I could go back to the age of 10 knowing all that I knew at age 14. I would go back and talk longer on the phone with my girlfriend; I would go for the kiss. I would do my homework. I would practice my saxophone. I would've started playing guitar. But most importantly I would tell my Dad I loved him. He died when I was twelve.

I would tell him that I've seen the future. I would save his life.

When I was 15 I wanted to go back to 14. I wouldn't of dumped my 8th grade girlfriend at the beginning of summer for all the chicks I was going to score.

This goes on and on all the way to age 37 right now.

Panic attacks at 37! Since I was 15; It's been fucking 22 years! 22 years of living in a different plane. The plane of fears and irrational thoughts of death. When does it stop? I used to think that I could find the one answer. I kind of did find the one answer; it was "there is no one answer, but a full spectrum of simultaneous multiple answers." I used to be much smarter and more creative than I am today. Today I'm tired.

This shouldn't make sense to anyone but my foundation was faulty. Maybe it was meant to get me this far, but now it's time for a complete remodel. I feel like God has cut my head open and started to rip out the wires. I'm being re-wired. At least I hope I am, if not I'm slowly sliding into hell. Hopefully instead I'm being pressured into a diamond.

I'm trying to save my soul and I waited too long. Sometimes late is better than never but it definitely hurts more.

Money

The stuff that makes life worth living right? Until you get it, then you tell everyone that it doesn't matter that much. Then you kill yourself.

Let's do this!

I want boat loads. Is that so bad? I'm too fucked up from TV and growing up in south Orange County. I've tasted the apple. Once you've tasted the apple you really are fucked. There's no eden after the apple. Is that when you grow up? You taste the apple and you get thrown into the harsh world. The world of disappointment, crushed dreams, pain and all the other fun stuff that comes along with breathing.

I can't speak from experience so I will speak from ignorance. Confident ignorance, that's the way you speak in America. Ok, so with all the confident ignorance within my being I say Life is better with money (Period).

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Gods of the universe listen to my plea, I wish to learn the lesson that life is not better with more money than anyone in the world has.

Teach me Universe. I double dog dare you!

Let's eat till it hurts!

My favorite quick fix, eating. Thanksgiving is when you eat till you might throw up, that's what's expected. I do what's expected when it means that I can check out. If I can somehow turn this mind off with a feeling so wonderful that food can give me, I eat. I was told to join the clean plate club. I'm a member. When I was a kid I'd eat anything. I remember my best friends mom complaining to her son, "Why can't you be more like Duke? He eats what ever is put in front of him."

I tried the God thing but it's not as quick as homemade apple pie with whipped cream and ice cream. God wants delayed gratification, pie just wants you to open your mouth and do nothing more than enjoy.

I'm also very vain. I want to look good. It sucks being vain and fat at the same time; it's like having good taste and being poor. If you're vain and you like to eat then you are most likely familiar with fasting, dieting, weight watcher-ing and all the other crap we do to look good. I've familiarized my self with techniques designed to tame the beast; I've starved that mother fucker and he was not pleased!

I went 10 months with no sugar or flour. I considered the mexican pizza from taco bell to be a corn tortilla (you've got to cheat a little if you are going to eat to be skinny). 10 months the beast resided dormant within my gut, but he was hungry. We were invited to a wedding in Tiburon; we took the fairy. Waiting for the fairy I said,"fuck it!" These are the two words before any relapse. I didn't care, I was hungry and I looked like an underwear model.

I started with the large clam chowder in a large bread bowl. The bread was so good when it touched the lips! I ate every bit of it. The fairy came and I had cokes and candy during the trip. Once at the wedding I proceeded to eat for the next three hours straight. I was hungry.

While waiting for our fairy I thought I was going to be sick. I went to the bathroom. I sat on toilet and my entire body turned white and cold sweat poured down my forehead. This is what happens when the body thinks it's dying. "Please God don't let me puke, please don't let me puke." I'm very religious when I'm in a jam. My stomach was rapidly reaching the boiling point, I beyond the point of no return something was going to happen. "Please God!"

Diarrhea and puke at the same time with cold sweats. Lesley's banging on the door telling me we're going to miss the fairy and I'm narrowly escaping death. I felt much better after. We took a cab home and I slept like a baby.

I was off the wagon and food was once again my close companion and off I went on one more journey to fatdom.

What's the point?

Happy Thanksgiving. Woke up with an incredible headache and serious thoughts of vomiting. This was followed by a nonstop chatter from a three year old about his upcoming birthday. "Dad's sick. Go down stairs and play the wii."

"Is this how it's gonna be today?" I thought to myself.

I told Lesley that I was PMS'ing really bad and she gave me some midol.

Lesley cooked some eggs and hash browns for the family and I chugged down a cup of coffee. I'm feeling a little better. Lesley leaves for yoga.

I'm stuck with the kids in the house for what I think is going to be hours of stir craziness. Lesley texts me that there's a crazy 6K run with a ton of people in costumes. I get the kids dressed and we head out on an adventure to the harbor.

Thousands of people scare my oldest but I talk him into moving down into the sea of people. We watch Lesley's yoga class through the window and then head to the race. I run into an old friend from high school with his kids, wife and parents. I run the race with the kids. They're stoked.

I'm feeling better. Awesome coincidences of the universe and good time spent with the kids have changed my attitude. That's the only point I really worth thinking about. My attitude. It's all I have control over and it feels best when I'm thankful.

That's the point.

jealousy & envy

I woke up to a terrible dream this morning. I won't bore you with the details but I walked over to my wife to hold her and my old friend grabbed her and started making out with her. I then realized that we were no longer together and she was with this other man. My blood fumed with jealousy and I immediately woke up. The dream really shook me up. My stomach was in knots.

Like Jonh Lennon, I guess I'm just a jealous guy. I love my wife. She's beautiful. She's very smart and she's got a great sense of humor. Of course I've taught her a lot about humor, but still she's very funny. And she's fun. She's fun to be with. She's easy to hang with.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

The point is don't fuck with my woman. I'm the only one that fucks with my woman. I'm married to her so the fucking is part of the deal.

I grew up playing music and wanted to do it for the rest of my life...blah blah blah...boring boring boring. I stopped playing music...blah blah blah...tears and sadness...boring boring boring. After giving up the dream to play music I stopped listening to music. I didn't want to see bands play live. I'm a jealous and envious guy. I knew in my heart that I should be the one on stage. It wasn't and the universe was off kilter because of it. At least my universe, but come on what other universe is there? For all I know, you guys could be holograms sent down from the mothership trying to trick me. I sure would feel stupid getting tricked by a hologram.

Rich people too. Fuck you rich people!!! That's exactly how I feel...until I get rich then I'm totally cool with rich people. But If I don't then fuck those guys.

I'm envious. I want what you have. I want it all. I want the love and the money. If I can't have it then I'll die from cancer that I get from being jealous and full of self pity and envy.

Death and deeds

Woke up at 1:30am last night with a headache and what seemed like the possibility of vomiting. Whenever it's the middle of the night and the possibility of vomiting is around the corner my mind begins to ask questions. The usual suspects; is there no god? What am I doing? Then the randomly self destructive thinking kicks in; I think I'm dying. What if this is it? Do I have cancer? What if I have aids? I'm dying and I'm not prepared. Then I start beating myself up for liking Woody Allen so much.

I'm too old with no credits that matter to anyone important. This is a knock to all people who feel they are important to my life.

Have you ever been that guy that tells his friends that he has no friends. Who are we? Chopped liver? You guys don't understand. My life is passing me by.

I'm making a movie. Each day it's becoming clearer. I can see it. I think I can do it. At least I have something to do; it's better than waiting around to die.

Music and creation

Today is day 66. I like doing things where I count days; it makes me feel like I'm on a journey. I like being on a journey; it gives mehe feeling that my life is engaged in some type of motion. In order to be on a journey you need to have a destination. A journey without a destination is aimless wandering in the desert. Hopefully I'm out of the desert an into the journey. My journey: yoga and writing. Today is day 66 of writing everyday and practicing yoga at home everyday. My destination? The realm of creation.

What writer doesn't want to reside in the realm of creation? I know it exists too; I've seen it, in another life. My life seems to be a series of worlds that I happen to stumble into. When I was in 4th grade I thought o would be cool to play the saxophone. This entry into the world of music was also my first yep into the realm of procrastination. Nothing invites procrastination quite like the aspiration to become musically proficient at an instrument. This quality ofnprocrastination has haunted me for all the years preceeding my first involvment with music. Procrastination is the enemy of the artist. The enemy of the writer and the enemy of the yogi.

Skating on the thin ice of the elementary school band introduced me to the world beyond the one I saw with my eyes. There were moments I became transformed. I left what I knew and visited a world of beauty. Art brings us what is beautiful. If we are in hell then art and music has the ability to give us a glimpse of heaven. Why not spend your time transforming hell into heaven?

The artit creates the most beautiful works when they leave this world and tap into another. When you can, as Jim Morrison said, break on through to the other side, then you can become a vessel for the creation of beauty.

So what is my destination? To be a vessel into heaven. To unlock something beautiful. Sometimes beauty comes from places you might not expect. I don't care. Come where you must. I jury want to get high from the process because at heart I am a stoner. Although I hate smoking pot I like the idea of getting high. I embrace the vibration.

So here I am, day 66. I'm not there but I'm doing the work. That's where it starts. The work is the bong and the lighter. The work is the acid tab on the toungue. It might not kick on until you engage in the process. More than once and consistantly.

A sliver of success please?

Woody Allen says that he's just a lucky guy. He was born with a good sense of humor. He could write jokes. It came easy to him. He started writing jokes at age 16 and immediately people wanted to buy them. It's luck. Still he's a pessimist at heart. He's a lucky pessimist.

I don't think anything comes easy to me. Certainly nothing that I do naturally do people want to immediately buy. If I look at my life in that respect then the facts probably say I'm unlucky. (This is not including my family that seems to have come into my life fairly easily).

When it comes to finance, and let's all admit that finance is all that really matters, I'm not a lucky person. I remain optimistic though.

I seem to get close to success sometimes. I can taste it. That's where the optimism comes into play. Because I've had times in my life when I almost touched success it became believable to me that I could attain it. I keep the optimism but the failures get me down.

You've got to fail to win. It makes the wins taste that much better. This is the kind of thing you have to tell yourself. Each failure is a step closer to the win right?

Each no is closer to a yes. I guess.

I'm so happy you failed!

Am I completely wrong when I sense that my friends and people around me are happy when I fail? Am I happy when other people fail? I think when I'm not doing what I want to be doing I am happy when other people fail. There's something so funny about seeing another person go down.

The reporter repeatedly asked me how old I was in an attempt to make me look foolish. I mean how old are you? And you still believe in fantasy?

I'm stuck. Grandma is coming over to babysit, I'm taking Lesley out to celebrate 16 years and I smell. I'm trying to get done my daily stuff before I embark on my nighttime journey.

I need to write and do yoga. Two things. This is one. Look at the failure type.

Strange blog. It doesn't make sense and neither do I.

People laughed last night and I was almost caught off guard. People, strangers, a group, laughed when I was on stage and it felt good!

Run baby run

Why did I choose run from your problems? I don't know. I talked about running from your desires last blog. You run and god fucks you. Don't fuck with God! My friend has that poster hanging on the wall of his kitchen and God is pissed.

I don't want to piss off God. What are my problems? Sometimes you've got to see what your problems are to see if you're running from them. Maybe you have to look down to see if your feet are moving fast to realize if you're running. How do you know if your feet are moving fast? I know for me. If I'm watching tv on the couch and my stomache is stressing. I like to ignore my life with tv. If I'm listening to podcasts and my stomache is stressing. Maybe it's just my gut that tells me if I'm running.

Masturbation is the big one. When I have something to do then all I can think about I masturbation.

Internet surfing also. I have to click that story on yahoo and then it sucks me down the drain of procrastination.

Ok I know the answer to this one and it's pretty simple. We procrastinate because we're scared to think. We have a big idea that we know we should be doing. The poblems is you can't just sit down and do a big idea, you've got to break it down into small steps and figure out the next thing to do. Break it down. Then you'll know. Do somerhing underwhelming. It starts with the ripple that turns into a tidal wave.

Don't run from your problems, surf them.

The party starts when the worrying stops

The party starts when the worrying stops.

This is my saying. This is the saying that was invented for me. Me personally. Kind of like your mantra only I'm allowed to tell people. I think I'm allowed to tell people. Now that I think of it maybe I shouldn't be telling people. Maybe I should keep it to myself . Maybe if you keep it to yourself it makes it bigger.

OK am I having a mini revelation right now? Did I just learn something new about how the universe works? About how a human operates? I know this, if you keep a secret it gets way bigger in your mind. It consumes you. It becomes bigger than life and then it becomes life. This is the power of something you hold in. But what if you hold something good in? You don't share it with anyone. You tell yourself, or maybe you challenge yourself not to share this with anyone. Does that secret grow? Does it get bigger and all consuming?

The party starts when the worrying stops. I love to party. I'm built to stress. I think that when you drink your worries disappear and we all know that alcohol is what lubricates the party.

Some people believe that worry causes cancer. I think the cancer is deeper than that and starts with not looking within yourself for a desire. I heard once that desire means of the father. What if your desire is a higher calling? If you avoid this calling then God gets a whale to swallow you whole until you say, "OK God, fuck it. I'll go with you on this one."

Maybe your desire is to make a certain kind of porn that no one has heard of. If that's what God wants then that's what God wants. Remember that he's the original inventor of the vagina. Whoever invented the vagina cant be bad in my book.

If you are running from God you are going to be stressing out, If you are stressing out you won't be partying. Unless you're drunk. Unfortunately alcohol doesn't work forever.

Look within. Find the true desire. Follow it. When you do what you know in your heart what you should be doing then you avoid stress. When you avoid stress you avoid cancer.

Don't get cancer just party!

Death

Death. Am I in denial? We are dying. I have a terminal disease called birth. It's going to end but it's most likely going to get bad in the years preceeding. Death.

I'm not afraid to go to sleep. Most people enjoy sleep. I love sleep. I love the thought of sleep. Why am I not afraid of sleep? Why do I cherrish my sleep. Sleep is just turning off your body, right? We're so scared of death but we love sleep. It5's the eternal sleep, or the unknown sleep that we are all avoiding.

Comedians know death. Comedians are in denial. You have to be in denial to experience the type of death that comics experience. Death on stage. They say it's worse than real death. Nothing turns off, I can tell you that much. Silence is death to a comedian. Silence is death and laughter is oxygen. If you stop breathing you start dying. Breathing is good. Keep breathing.

People don't want to see you die. Let me think about that.... That might not be entirely true. I think comics want to see you die. Is it because it's not them dying?

Death. You've got to die to learn how to live. Wilco song.

We run so hard from death that we don't live. Why do you have to die to live? Maybe it's because you are running through illusions when you die. When the fearfull illusions dissapear we can relax. When we relax we can laugh. When we laugh we become alive.

I've allways loved to laugh. Maybe I love life. I like fucked up laughter. What's up with that? For another day.

Walk through the illusions of fear. Walk through death. Die. And then start living.

Windows in time

OK, yesterday I mentioned that I was writing my 60th blog but in fact today is the number 60.

The windows in life are a strange thing. Windows open and windows close. When they are open it seems like they could be open for years, when they are closed it seems like they will never open again, sometimes that's true. When a window closes a decade or two could slip by before it opens again. My thought is this, step through the window. It's so much more fun looking for meaning and signs in life. Whatever realm you step into can become real, the choice is yours.

It's a combination. I believe in both. I'm a searcher. Searcher are the best. (Whoever I label myself as I have to think that is the best.)

My Dad died when I was 12. He left when I was 5. The window has definitely closed on that one. When you have children a window is open. I have children. Two beautiful boys. Sometimes they're crazy, sometimes they're obnoxious, sometimes they can be unreasonable. They're boys. The window to be a father is open to me now. This window will not be open forever. This is the choice of a man. A man sees this window and steps through it.

At the same time I have to become the man I want to be. The man I'm meant to be. The man I want my children to emulate. I have to be true to myself. If I'm not I don't give my children an example, I give them a lie. Walking this line, the line between being a good father and being a true example of a great man is the test. Some run, some hide, and some look at the test in the eye and ride the wave.

What windows have closed for you? What windows are open? They won't stay open forever.

Doing what you need to do is the best vacation possible. Do the work and watch your body relax.

Radio interview

The interview actually happened. If it came out good or not we'll have to wait and see. I'm so tired and on the verge of getting sick right now. Why am I so tired? Because I've been working non stop for the last couple of weeks at a job. No days off, and waking up at 4am each day. It's late and I still have to wake up early. What am I doing? I'm on a streak that I can't break. I've been writing and doing yoga everyday for that last 60 days. If I want to or not.

How will the radio spin the story. She might say that the one big lesson that I learned was it's hard to replace Conan Obrien.

It's much harder than it seems.

I have have trouble quitting things. She pointed out to me that I still even say that the show is on hiatus. I can't bring myself to say that I quit.

In one form or another my journey continues. I hope that I keep my mind and heart open enough to learn from my past. I want to grow.

Perspective

It's all about perspective. We live in a world of perspective. We live in a world with a realm of 360% worth of perspective.

From an early age I mastered one particular perspective, it went something like: This sucks! It worked for any situation. I used it for all situations. This sucks.

I think I really learned it in Jr high. That's how you talk to a chick on the phone. I used to not know what to say to a girl when I called her on the phone. Then I figured it out. Everything sucks. Whenever you're able to articulate how something sucks you become cool. Especially in Jr High, but let's face it, life is jr high.

Later in life I also learned how to master the art of the worst case scenario. My brain just works so naturally in predicting the worst possible thing that could happen.

So what do you do when you've mastered the art of "worst case scenario" and the all important "this sucks" perspective? My answer is: try something different. You are a master, now learn something new.

We are so scared of the unknown. What's so scary about this experience on this dust ball? You either live or you die. The scary part is what other people think. Why is that? Why do we care so much? Maybe it's built into our DNA. A star reader told me that a thousand years ago I was kicked out of the tribe. For being too different.

Maybe my fear is being kicked out of the group. Of starving. Of having to fend for myself and then getting eaten by a saber tooth tiger.

It's 2010. I'm not going to die if someone disagrees with me. It's ok to try something new.

It's all about perspective. The is a 360% realm of perspectives starting with "This sucks" and ending with "this sucks". Who gives a fuck what's real. No one knows the truth. We're a heard of ants on the side of the freeway, we don't know what the fuck is going on.

News flash, you don't know the truth. You will never know the truth. Fuck the truth!

What does that leave us with? Life here and now. What is comfortable and what is uncomfortable? This is the only question to concern yourself with.

Where does God's will stop and your's begins? You'll never know you stupid son of a bitch. Some people say that God's will is from the clouds up and from the clouds down is mans will. Other people say that the big stuff is God's and it's the little stuff that's ours.

If we don't know then what's the most comfortable. What about this? God is everything. God is everything and everywhere. There is no place without God.

This is my perspective for a second. If this is my perspective then that means that I don't get to take credit for the great accomplishments in my life. I'm no longer the hero, God is. But it also means that I get to let go of the blame and shame and negative self talk that rattles through my brain all day long. This is a pretty good deal for me.

Instead of trying to get spiritual I can realize that I already am spiritual. I'm a spiritual; being having a human experience. Everything for me is spiritual. I don't have to climb some mountain to find God. It's a spiritual experience just brushing my teeth.

I'm so glad I took that acid. I saw another plane. When you take acid it's a takes a while for it to kick in and you're not sure if it's going to work or not. What you end up doing is an internal check in with yourself. You feel your entire body and ask yourself if you are tripping yet.

I love the internal check in. I do it now without the acid. It makes this life a much stonier experience when I can feel my body and experience some of this life without my head rattling off nonsense.

Let go of preconceived notions. Get into your body. Trip. If anything it's fun and the perpective I want today is a fun one. And one that feels like it's leading me into beauty. I'm enlightened if I could only be enlightened which I am.

Comedy loser

The comedy gods were not smiling upon me last night. The crowd wasn't either. Ok there were laughs but not as loud, powerful and as frequent as I imagine in my mind that I deserve. I wasn't feeling the comedy vibe yesterday. After the show this lady told me that my eyes were so red. My eyes feel red right now. She asked if I was stoned. No. I might as well have been, I'm out of it. I think I'm stoned off of sleep deprivation.

First mistake: ten comics drew numbers to determine the order. I picked ten. In my mind I think everyone in the audience is forced to be there. They can't wait for it to be over. They were dragged there by their friends. They don't care about comedy and they feel like they are being held hostage. I'm thinking I can't go on tenth, they audience will be worn out. I traded a guy for second. Not a good choice. The crowd was very cold. I got depressed. I lost.

I don't know the rest of the mistakes. Probably getting into comedy in the first place.

Comedy contests and denial

I used to carry with me a thought within myself that I could be living a dream of mine if I wasn't such a pussy. If I didn't do anything I could have spent my life wondering what could have been if I just tried. I'm happy that I tried because now I know, I can't live that dream.

If you want to be in comedy you need to be in denial. You have to suck in the begining, but you need the denial to keep you going. Whenver I enter a contest I allways seem to think I'm the best. I have something within me that thinks I'm netter than other comedians. What I think of myself and what actuall comes out when I do my act mut be two completely seperate things. Although to be fair I won a contest in El Paso.

During my last contest I thought I killed. My friend ho went up that night I felt did not do good. After his set I was consuling him. "it wasn't that bad." I said. It turns out that not only was it not that bad, he beat me. I allways let myself feel humiliated after these things. I tried to stay for a second but then did a b line for my car and proceeded to go down a shame spiral for the entire drive home and a few days after.

It turns out that someone in the semi finals bailed out so I'm back in the running. Tonight is the contest. I'm going up against people who won last round. I'm nervous, I'm going to try new material. It's still a mystery to me. I want to get in that funny place. I hope I can get there soon. At least figure out how to get there when I want to.

I'll let you know the experience tomorrow. I need to get back to pretending that I'm working.

I get huge ideas

What's wrong with me? Who doesn't ask that question? Those are the people you need to be worried about.

I get these ideas that are too much. Most people would let the idea pass without giving it too much notice. Not me, I take it and run. I run straight to the ditch.

I'm an unlucky optimist that sometimes gets depressed. I visited a psychic one time and she said I have bad karma. She offered to get rid of the bad karma for $600. She mad it clear that it wasn't her that was charging hat much, that's just how much the crystals cost.

Me and my bad karma big ideas. I was cretive, it drove me insane. I watched TV. I decided to watch entertainment instead of make it. I sat on the couh for ten years and stuffed my feelings. Things built up.

I had to do something to break out of these fake gold hand cuffs disguised as a cubicle.

I wrote a screen play.

It sucked. I went back to work. I let my soul get almost completely sucked out of me. It was a pretty great stunt now that I think about it.

I needed something. I thought about people who became rich and for some reason the guy who started the boy bands came to mind. I put an add on craigslist looking people who wanted to be in a boy band. Then I got an idea and put an ad that said management looking for Christian rock bands. I sat back in my chair at my cubicle and waited.

I received two emails from guys that wanted to be in a boy band. I receved over 30 emails from Christian rock bands. The universe was talking to me. I was meant to start the Christian rock scene and make orange county the bastian of Christian rock the way seatle was for grunge.

My mind rapidly began making a plan. Whenever I get my big ideas the wheels in my head begin to spin.

I would sign 24 Christian rock bands. I would sit them down and instill the idea that they would need to stick together. They would need to help each other. I would need a commitment from them for two nights a week. Sundays and Wednesdays. These would be Christian rock shows. 3 bands would perform a night. All bands would be required to go o all shows. If the average band was 4 people this means we would have a garraunteed draw of 100 people per show. Nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd. This hundred would easily turn into 300 which in my mind would turn into thousands in a very short time. I was going to get rich off Christian rock!

I played the scenario through in my head and it ended with a sold out stadium and me backstage bragging about how much money I'm making off Christians and that I'm not a Christian. Someone overhears me. I'm exposed.

Everyone turns on me. I become hated by the world.

So I chose to start a talk show instead.

I take things personally

The one problem about having a job is that eventually people want to talk to you.

D: what are you trying to say to me?

F: Its a simple question

D: it's not a question at all it's a personal attack. Your asking me if I'm stupid.

F: I just wanted to know if you knew how to use tools.

D: I worked construction for years. Both the home owners and the boss yelled at me but I know how to use tools. Just make sure to ask which room they want you to demo before you demo a room.

The romantic stage (between comedy bros)

Duke's walking in the forest of El Toro. Breadth walking. Affirmations.

D: Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels. I'm a lean mean comedy killing machine. All that I need is within me now. Nothing tastes as good as Mrs. Fields.

Ryan is in a business suit. Duke walks by.

R: I think you should cry.

D: Ryan?

R: I think you should cry.

D: Are you a business man?

R: I think you should cry.

D: You're in a suit.

R: I'm in Real Estate. But you need a cry. I can see it.

D: What are you talking about?

R: Like I said, I'm in Real Estate.

D: What does that have to do with me crying?

R: You need to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough.

D: I'm not sure if that's for me.

Business guy walks up with a sandwich.

Ryan is giving Duke weird looks.

B: The house on mertyl is BOM. Back on market. Who's this?

D: I'm Duke.

B: How do you know this prep?

Ryan is making a face no.

D: Around town. I'll see you guys later.



(Side idea- incorporate Ryan's skits into movie ie. he helps me talk to agents "Don't go there." He helps me interview for agencies "1 million dollars". He teaches kids not to do drugs. He give's me come back tips like the fart break down. He trains me in comedy."

My sidekick lover helps with my book

Me: You're good man.

Sidekick: It's just what I do

M: I want to write a book.

S: I read.

M: A kids book. I want to teach a lesson.

S: I'm gonna do a kids book.

M: What's you're story?

S: I don't know. I do know that kids like spaceships and dinosaurs. I'll probably write some type of spaceship dinosaur book.

M: Sounds like a hit. I want mine to teach a lesson. It'll be some type of metaphor for the world around you. The stuff around you. Look around you. All the stuff around you is there because you made a choice that everything around you is in the place it's supposed to be in. Maybe everything around you is rad and it's just always been that way. That's called luck. Maybe everything around you is shit. That's bad luck. Sometimes when you have bad luck it's time to make some choices. Maybe it's time to start getting rid of some of the shit.

S: I didn't make a choice.

M: Neil Pert says that If you don't choose you still have made a choice.

S: Who's in you're book?

M: Bonky. That's the hero's name. Bonky is way cool, but he's unlucky.

S: Let me guess, he gets lucky.

M: He likes life. He sees life as something beautiful. He thinks you can always see beauty. He thinks nature is beautiful. He's sensitive and is available to learn lessons from the universe. He's Bonky

S: Maybe Bonky can hang with dinosaurs and spaceships?

M: Sounds pretty cool.

Me and my new friend

Me: I don't usually work with artists. I like comedic timing.

New guy: I have timing. You need that in art.

Me: Are you street trained? Do you do have street smarts?

New Guy: I'm classically trained.

Me: I used to breakdance. I'll saw the movie breakin so I understand that there's quite a tension between the street talent and the school talent.

New Guy: The school wins every time.

Me: If you are schooled you don't die as much. Street artists have to worry about the third rail. I saw beat street. The king of the beat.

Me: The question is can you draw comedy?

New guy: I think I can.

Me: Let's see what you got.

The artist shows a couple pics that he just jotted down during the conversation.

Me: I'm looking for a sidekick. I need someone. I can't be alone. I need an artist drawing me. What's your schedule like, I want someone who can be around.

New guy: I live with my parents and I just got laid off at boarders books and music, so my schedule is pretty clear.

Me: You live with your parents? How old are you?

New guy: I'm 40

Me: Ok your hired. Can you draw me with my shirt off?

New guy: I guess.

Therapist opening scene

What am I doing in Orange County? Republicans, breast surgery, Christians. Where do I fit in?

I feel checkmated by life. I feel dead on the inside. Where do I go from here?

Do I learn how to sail? Bye some boating shoes? Wear them with no socks?

I've been abandoned. No one likes me. Why do I need people so much and at the same time hate them. Why don't people talk to me? I hate it when people talk to me.

Do I start playing golf? I hate people that play golf.

Should I go to church? I like being around people. It feels good. I like to feel like I have people who are there for me. I like to sing songs. Church has some songs. Plus I can sing on key when I'm singing in a group.

I don't believe any of the core beliefs but does that really matter? It's just about getting together and having fun, right? Do you think I should go to church?

I used to be scared of hell. But I like the donuts at church.

What's wrong with me? I just need someone to support me. I need a partner. I need a side kick.

I can't do this on my own. I have to find the right person. I won't be alone.

Is it weird to have a voice in your head that says I want to stab myself? I don't really want to but I still have the voice. Usually after I say something stupid.

I laid on the couch all day the other day and ate all my kids candy. I'm depressed. I just want to make people laugh and I just want a sidekick.

Sidekicks

My movie idea is very lame but I think it can be made easy and have a few laughs. That's what my goal is, to create a movie that's easy to make and has laughs and maybe a lesson.

The theme is the codependent triangle. The helper, the persecutor, and the victim.

It's about sidekicks. A funny man and a straight man. It's about friendship. It's about betrayal. It's about being let down. It's about the need for other people. It's about using other people to feel complete.

I've been left. My sidekick has left me for an improv troupe. I'm alone.

I need someone. I'm looking outside of show business. I'm with an artist.

It's a new relationship. My old side kick was sexy. Rod is skinny and a man. Not too sexy. He's nerdy. He's a great artist. He has the look. The comedy nerd look which is very in these days. People are jealous that my sidekick has the comedy nerd look. It's really hard to find.

My comedy book told me that I need a comedy work out buddy. That's Nathan. He has a long time sidekick. They do skits about teaching school and teaching tennis. They can read each other on stage. They've been together for years. They will never break up.

I bring Rod to a work out session.

We throw ideas off each other. We have a good comedy workout on at doheny beach.

We are walking down the bike path. Me and Nathan are talking and Rod is speaking with Nathan's sidekick. Nathan tells me he's cheating on his sidekick with a new sidekick. I'm shocked. "But you guys work so well together. I looked up to you guys as a duo."

The next workout session is with Nathan's new sidekick. Me, Rod and Ryan. They do flawless earthy hippy love scenes into bloody metal ones. Ryan knows everything about comedy and is very opinionated.

I meet Ryan at a business function and he is in his suit and tie. No one at work can know what he does on the side. Me and Ryan hang out and decide to write some comedy.

Nathan doesn't want to leave his partner but really likes performing with Ryan. Ryan is left in the cold when Nathan has gigs with his other partner.

Me and Ryan start to hang out. We have a sweet gig together.

I tell Rod to focus on art and get out of the comedy game. He's crushed.

I'm with Ryan.

But Nathan ends up leaving his partner.

Ryan leaves me for Nathan.

Nathan's partner blames me for introducing him to Ryan.

I'm alone.

I try to get Rod back but he's in art school.

I decide to go solo.

The End.

Focus

OK so I've heard the line "You are what you eat" and it definitely applies to me right now in more ways than one. I've been eating candy and ice cream in morning for breakfast. I don't know why I'm doing it but I am. I tell myself, "Duke, I don't think you are going to have a good day if you eat this candy first thing in the morning." But I ignore that voice and listen to another, louder voice which says, "Fuck it."

After I eat the ice cream and candy I lay on the couch and start regretting the past and basically regretting the present and future. I see no hope. I'm laying in this mess of bleakness and when I'm there it seems almost impossible to get out. My wife even takes the hint and gets her and the kids out of the house.

I am what I eat. The food I eat and the thoughts I decide to buy into.

The one thing that I give myself credit for and ata boys for is that I have done yoga and writing every day for over 48 days straight.

At least I'm flexible.

I knew going into this (I kind of have this goal in my head to do 90 days in a row to create a habit) that road blocks would appear. It's so weird that we have this part of ourselves that wants us to fail. A part of ourselves that is comfortable failing.

I don't want to fail. I'm at war right now. I'm at war within myself. There's great battles being waged right now and I'm hoping that I can come out of it still breathing.

Atheism is for rich people. When you are poor it's too much to not have some type of a universal supreme being. It's too much to not have some type of a force to tap into.

Knowledge doesn't do it for me when all the walls of my life and my brain are caving in on me. I need a place to go. I need to something to give these problems to. Maybe poor people are week.

I believe there is more than what we can see. This spiritual realm is where I want to focus my time and energy. The bottom line is it's much more fun to believe in a higher power. A fourth dimension.

The democrats loose because they try to sell you rational thought. The republicans win because they sell you emotion. Emotion wins every time, even if it's a lie.

I need both. There's something strong in the realm of emotion. I don't want to get lost there but I do want to spend time there. There's something beyond thought, something that holds power.

I am what I focus on and I want to focus on the spirit. To live in the spirit is to be alive.

It's also just more fun than.

Fear

I'm in a deep depression. Was on the couch all day. Ate half of my sons halloween candy. I'm obsessed with Woody Allen films. I hate my life. I'm fucked up on bad thoughts.

I want to snap on my wife and my kids.

I'm nothing.

I'm doing nothing.

I'm creating nothing.

I'm speeding the time along.

I don't matter right now.

I'm having a breakdown.

I don't want to be here.

I'm stuck.

I don't see a way out. The light of hope has gone out.

I'm stuck. I can't move.

I don't have what it takes.

It's what they a call a loser in the game of life.

I'm an idiot. I'm a bigger idiot for putting this on the web. Who cares no one reads this shit.

What the fuck is my problem?

I have this notion that money would solve everything. I have a not so hidden belief that I don't have a problem that money couldn't solve.

I also know somewhat that I would still be miserable. At least that's what the rich fucks that spend their time on the golf course and hosting catered meals with friends tell me.

Fuck you!!!!

To learn that money won't solve your problems is a lesson I would love to learn.

If I had one wish it's to learn the lesson that money can't buy happiness because I don't believe it for a second.

I'm trapped. I'm tied down. I'm forced to put up with what I'm given.

I've tried to brainwash myself into believing that the world stuff doesn't matter, but I can't stuff these emotions. They're coming out.

I'm sick of being something that I'm not.

I'm sick of not knowing what I am.

What the fuck am I?

Can I get a little clarity here. I feel like I've thrown away years of my life.

I'm depressed.

-------

I have a problem with authority but I yearn for direction. When I get it I say fuck you.

I'm a guy who thinks for himself who won't think for himself.

Am I lazy?

Nothing lasts longer than a few months.

I can't listen to others and I won't think for myself. I'm trapped in this place.

I hate people. present company included.

I love people.

I need a direction.

So pick one.

When I do people hate me. Fuck you people.

When I don't pick one I hate me.

Stupid people follow direction.

I'm stupid but I have some level of genius beneath everything. It's that god damn underground river. I can't tap into it.

I don't want to make any stupid choices. I don't want to hurt anyone, but sometimes when you decide not to hurt people you hurt them more. (You're people pleasing me so much it's pissing me off.)

I'm afraid of standing for something so I'm just lying on the couch.

Fuck you fear.

Drunk Firemen

We all know that firemen are cool. They show up and everyone is glad to see them. They always make things better. We all love firemen.

Unless....

You are doing comedy at a bar that is hosting a once a year firemen celebration/fundraiser/let's get shit faced event.

I first step into this bar and there's 100 firemen drinking up a storm and going crazy for some bag pipers. The whole place is clapping, everyone has a mustache, they are all very loud, very big, and don't really look like they want to hear comedy.

The host who went up before me was struggling hard. He threw out the idea of doing any material and stuck with crowd work. It didn't matter. A drunk fireman went on stage and attempted to pull the plug for the PA system. The DJ stopped him and as the DJ was taking him off the stage the drunk fireman was yelling, "This guy sucks. He's terrible."

I was up next and it just felt like even more people were talking. There was 50 people at the bar with their backs to me, all chatting up a storm. The people sitting on the sides of the room were all carrying very loud conversations. And there I was, on stage. Alone with a mike which still made it hard for people to hear me over the voices.

I had three girls in back watching, one guy in the middle and two gals up front.

I made the guy laugh. I heard him say, "This guy is funny."

That made me feel good. I didn't want to quit.

Make it fun and the funny will come.

Surfstyle

I'm a spiritual being having a human experience. This human experiance is involving a lot of Halloween candy, self obsession, and comedy. That's my magic combo. I just got home from interviewing Marty laquidera for my podcast and after that I did some stand up at hennysees. The crowd was filled with fireman in kilts who were not there to see comedy. I still was funny for the people watching.

When I had a spiritual mentor he taght me to medtate. My first meditation was to surfstyle skate while entering the realm of the unborn buddha mind.

Bankei was a spiritual teacher from the 1600's. He was enlightned and taght others to be enlightened. He taught the unborn buddah mind, which is behind all the thoughts.

Surfstyle skateboarding is a stylish form of downhill skating. It's not about bombing hills straight but it's about floating the board back and forth with style. This is when thought stops and the unborn is close to the surface.

Walking up hills is an important part of surfstyle, you do a lot of it. One of the best spiritual lessons of surfstyle is learning to enjoy the walk up.

Enjoy the walk up and get unborn on the way down.

Surfstyle.

Atheists are so trendy right now

I see the trend of atheism upon us. Bill Maher, Adam Carolla, Paul F. Tompkins and all the other cool kids are coming out of the closet. They are standing on the mountain top and proclaiming: "There is no God!"

The cool thing about the little atheist movement that seems to be getting some steam, is that they are pointing out how ridiculous religions are.

So you have an imaginary friend in the sky who talks to you? OK, fine by me just don't start killing people because of it. Don't start telling me what to do because of it. Just get out of my life. I think that's the big gripe. Religion is causing too much damage. When you have an organization that is raping children and then covering it up, it's not OK. Eventually the lid is going to blow wide open. When you have people flying airplanes into our buildings in the name of God then maybe it's time to re think this whole God business. When preachers are becoming so rich and powerful that they can hold down the minorities in our society then we have a problem. When children are corrupted with the idea that they are going to burn in hell if they have sex or even masturbate then let's step back and maybe start to question what's going on.

Religious people do not like to be questioned. If you start to poke fun at religion to a religious person they will attack you. Why do they attack? If they already know the truth then why are they attacking me for questioning it? If someone tells me that 2 plus 2 equals 6 I don't attack them. I don't get offended. I know the answer is 4.

Religious people are scared that they are wrong on some level and this is why they attack you. They're scared that they are wrong but they want to be a good little boy. "Mom and Dad told me this stuff so I have to go along with it. I'm a good boy. I'm following the rules." Many people just want to follow the rules. They don't want to stick out from the crowd they want to do what's expected from them and get an ata boy from Dad.

But then they see someone else having fun. "Why does that guy get to have fun?" they say. "Why doesn't he have to follow the rules?" "Why is he getting away with it?"

They don't want to see you getting away with something. Not after all the sacrifice they've done. Plus they're scared that they might be wrong. They hate rational questioning.

Denial is powerful. Denial can be good. It can be warm. Denial is like a warm blanket.

The truth is, no one knows what happens when you die. It's scary. I don't want to die (at least most of the time). I want to hang out, have sex and eat pizza. I don't want to spend my time worrying about dying, I want to relax and enjoy myself.

So we make up some stories to make us feel better.

Now I can have fun.

Wrong.

Someone just stole my Iphone.

OK, so we make up some more stories about what happens to you when you die if you steal an Iphone, and it's not good.

OK, now I have my warm blanket of denial on. It feels pretty good. Until that asshole comedian rips off my warm blanket. Of course I'm going to get mad. You get mad when someone wakes you up to early in the morning. You would get even madder if someone through cold water on you in the morning.

We like our sleep. I love to check out. This life is painful and as much as we are scared to die we are also scared to live.

We wear a blanket.

Being around people is fun. It can bring happiness. People have a need to be around people. Church and religion gives us this. It's called fellowship. It feels good to hang out with people. It feels good to know you are a part of a community that would help you if you needed it. It feels good to help someone else who needs it.

I wonder if some atheists are throwing the baby out with the bath water? There are good things about religion. There are certain truths or wisdom that can lead us in life. The problem is all the bullshit.

How do we get rid of all the bullshit and keep the good stuff?

If you are going to pull someone's blanket of denial off of them then you should have something better to replace it with. That's great if you can see all of the problems crystal clear, but if you don't come to the table with any solutions then you're really not that cool.

Phil Jackson says that he has to give 5 compliments for every criticism to get his players to perform effectively. Maybe we need to pull out 5 strengths of religion before we take down to bad parts.

The bad parts aren't that many in number they are just very huge in size.

Let's give up the whole I'm right and you're wrong. The killing. The judging. The hurting others. The pushing my religion onto you. Hurting children. The shame and the guilt about sex or any other natural human being experience.

If your religion is so good, how about you just practice it and when I see how happy you are I'll ask you what the secret is. Other than that shut up about it.

Hey religious people, be an example of your own belief. That's it.

Hey Atheists, find some strengths before you rip down the weaknesses.