Holograms

It's late and I've got a big headache. Maybe I haven't been eating well. Maybe I spent too much time in the sun.Maybe I have a tumor and I'm about to die and these are my last words. Maybe I'm already dead and none of this is real. Maybe there is no internet. Maybe there are no people. No one. Maybe it's just me on this dust ball. Maybe all the people are just holograms sent from the mother ship trying to trick me. What do they want with me? Why can't the holograms leave me alone? I just want the holograms to leave.

Hells waiting room

Is there a waiting room in hell? I think I've spent time there. A lot of time. When you're in this room you're always really tired but you can never sleep. Kind of like thy movie Barton Fink when they're all thirsty but can never quench that thirst or cool down. Maybe in the waiting room you're always about to do something cool but you never really do. You just spend your time waiting. Waiting in hells waiting room.

Strike when you hit

I'm touching something
I'm starting to get somewhere
Where I don't know
But it's somewhere over there
I've been digging
Mostly digging myself holes
But somethings sticking
And I'm tapping into souls
Getting focus
From something down below
The ground is dug
And the hum from the bass is low
Now's the moment
To increase the efforts hard
Strike while the iron
is hot but not charred

Just for the sake of writing

Two hundred and twenty three days of writing and doing yoga on a daily basis. Yesterday I feel like I had a breakthrough. Besides this blog I also keep a diary, do stream of conscious stuff, write jokes and come up with other funny ideas. For so long I've been doing this and not liking the results. The reason I started to get in the habit of writing everyday is because I want material for my stand up. My goal is to be able to do 45 minutes. 45 minutes is what you need to be the headliner. I want my 45. Where's my 45?

I've been writing on a daily basis and it just hasn't been funny. In fact, if someone asked me to write the most unfunny, un-entertaining, and boring material possible then I would say that I've been hitting it out of the park. My stand up act has been the same for over a year. I've felt trapped. I've felt like Forest Gump with his leg braces on. Sure the leg braces have helped me to walk but they have gotten to the point that I feel awkward. The leg braces being my stand up material.

Finally out of the blue I wrote down a funny story from when I was a kid and it killed last night. I was afraid to loose the braces but now I feel like I can just start running. The cool thing is, this little piece I wrote was only written because I'm in the habit of writing everyday.

I'm working the muscle. It might not be strong or coordinated but it's getting worked and 222 days into this thing I feel like I finally saw a result, however small. And it was fun. Having fun is a key ingredient to being funny, at least for me. So that's that, I just wanted to give a shout out to writing just for the sake of writing.

Fuck that guitar!

Your breath was flammable
Your slur was pronounced
I gave you my guitar
to light on fire

Your distorted fingers screamed
And my heart became warm
We connected beyond friendship
We were both off the reservation

I slept in the park by your home
My red eyes greeted by your mom
And your little brother played video games
It was time to enter our world

We laughed at the same things
our egos pierced opposite ends
both equally out of control
I don't blame you anymore for being you

We both could say "fuck it" like the best
Fuck that guitar I gave you
My first guitar and I wanted to see it burn
I wanted you to fuck that thing up

I wish it set on fire.

I wish the whole building burned down.

Sometimes you have to burn the old down to the ground and start over.

I love you.

I'm gonna burn that guitar. I'm gonna do it for you. I'm gonna smash the shit out of it.

Fuck that guitar!

No laughter scares me

I'm nervous.
Comedy gig tonight.
I want to perform new stuff, I just don't have any new stuff that people laugh at.
I'm scared to fail.
You only learn from failure.
I'm not learning.
I think I might have people I know come tonight.
Do I fail in front of friends?
Or do I do the tried and tested material?
Maybe a little of both?
I can't stand no laughs.

Crazy watching

I can sit and watch all day
Brain turned off
I'm not even getting good ideas
I don't even scoff
From morning till the darkest night
I'm glues to one position
I'm broken from the stream of thought
That makes the one decision
Just one that's independent
Although they seem to be now
Off the reservation
Still sleeping like a cow
The cow is sacred to some
But most think that is a low point
They want to buy things that turn on
And do away with the old joint
Give me radiation
Give me cancer in the ear
Give me my thoughts
My thinking is unclear
Just think for me
It's too much on my own
There's too many rides
I watch within my clone

What makes still?

Vision's blue
Eye lids weight
more than two
Texas state
Dreams of clouds
Footing gone
restless crowds
take my pawn
looking toward
The night to fall
Rolling forward
Growing small
Leaves are life
inside the pill
The headless wife
Makes my head still

Keep the vibe

Just a little something
Take off the edge
Decorating worlds
Using a sledge
Hammer on my hand
not a bullet through the heart
Feels less pain
At least the feel is a start
Trash is just a thought
Beauties more than look
Touch is more than lost
And lost is my old book
Writing something new
Harder than you hate
Talking is always easy
Hard is life in state
Following the dirt
Closing up the out
Vibing all the cells
Who silently do shout

Keep the vibe

Open your think

Let's get high on dep
Let's get high on take
Southbound through the mind
Let's get high on fake

Take it to your door
ride the lights of green
holding onto to less
than pieces of a dream

Battle through the worst
to make it to the great
alter up my mind
and throw me in that state

funny is the rhythm
laughter is the drink
lasting is the key
and open is the think

Beautifully fucked up change

I'll tell you what's fucked up. The fucked up thing is also the most beautiful thing and that's why it's so fucked up. Do something, don't do something, it doesn't matter to change. Things are going to eventually change, always. This is the rule. This is the only rule.

I hate it. I love it. I dread it. I look forward to it. I want it. I need it. I am it.

I had a wonderful looking house. People loved it. The problem was, I built the house on a faulty foundation. I could have lived with it and carved myself out a pretty good looking life. The problem is, I would just be living a lie. No one would know the lie. But I would, and it would slowly eatr me alive. Did did slowly eat me alive.

I wanted change but the change I wanted came with a wrecking ball. I said, "Fuck it" and slammed that ball right through the house. I knocked the whole thing down! Right when it was finally paid off.

If you're going to tear down a house it's probably a good idea to have some sort of plan. Maybe a plan of where to sleep when the house is torn down. On the other hand, if you plan too much you might do nothing at all. That was my worry. So I didn't plan, I didn't think, and didn't ask for help because the only people I knew were living in houses with faulty foundations themselves and they thought I was crazy. Doesn't matter what they think now, that house is gone.

When you build a new house from scratch, one thing you can expect is a trip through hell. Thsi is where I am now. If my home ever gets built I'll let you know if it was worth it.

Don't spin your wheels

The wheels going fast
And the foot is on the gas
But the car isn't moving at all
The energy is strong
But it's burning way too long
And your movement is more like a fall
explosion in the center
your wishin it's a renter
But the vehicle is one that you own
Blowin up the heat
getting thrown from the seat
and in the end you're all alone

Don't spin your wheels
I don't like the way it feels
and I'm talking from the one point of view
I know that there's a chance
And I'm steady in my stance
But the one I'm looking after is you

Read through. That's right bitch!

Tonight I just had the second read through of my screenplay. After the first read through I felt a little uneasy and depressed, I worked for a couple months doing a rewrite and then we did another read through tonight. I don't feel depressed about it. I think I can do it.

If you talk to anyone who knows what they're talking about, and you tell them you're going to make a feature length film on a budget of $0 they will say,"Impossible." And then in my head I say, "Fuck you." And continue on my path.

It's this type of attitude that has pretty much got me to where I am in life right now, which is broke and constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown, but what the hell, right?

Read through tonight, awesome!

Now I just have to convince the lead actor, who is my best friend, to play the part I wrote for him. He says, "no." But I say,"yes."

Now I'm rambling so goodnight.

Do your laundry

Sometimes you just have to do your laundry. I feel better once everything is clean and folded and put back in it's drawer or hung in the closet. Sometimes you just have to bring some order to your home. Once you have some order things aren't quite as bad.

The mission for me is how to keep that order? Every job I get I hate after 6 months. Every time I decide to keep order in my life I let things slip at around 6 months if not earlier. The exceptions to this rule: I haven't drank for 16 years, I've stayed married for 14 years, I've written every day and done yoga every day for 214 days in a row. Everything else seems to come and go. How do you keep it?

I don't have the answer. Maybe you just have to get beaten down by life to the point that the life beatings are more painful than consistent daily sacrifices.

I don't know. All I know is today I did laundry and I feel a little better.

The absence

Back from my three month vacation of stress into the terror.

She's back in town
I've seen her face
Her shiny frown
her thoughts disgrace
My life is long
It just won't stop
same is the song
I run from the cop
Hell is the space
That leaves me alone
Earth is the race
pull water from stone
late is the time
no matter the clock
bitter like lime
is straight from my stock
Keep to the eye
but it's not even there
it's pointless to try
it's gone when you stare
freedom is far
and speed makes it more
driving my car
is not what it's for
look to the sky
get silence above
try to ask why
to the absence of love

the stream

It's going down
The time has come
you can cry
It's where your from
but you can move
find the form
use the step
become reborn
hold the light
for lesser souls
or live the life
toward the goals
it's lighter now
you won't sink
the tears are gone
the soul can drink
feed the thirst
this is the way
live the stream
which is today

The rainbow of the soul

I don't know what's wrong with me, all that I know is I'm pretty sure something's wrong. It's like I'm driving a car with some major blind spots. I keep moving forward but there's some shit I'm doing that's fucked up and I can't even tell you what it is because my car has all kinds of areas that block my view. I'm the guy that steps off the airplane with no luggage. You look at me and think, "Wow this guy travels light." But then you go down to luggage and I've got 20 suit cases with my name on it. The funny thing is I didn't even know I brought anything. I guess in this analogy maybe my parents packed a bunch of crap for me to carry around.

I had another humiliating rock bottom the other day. I'm falling apart. I hate my job (there's nothing new there). It's suffocating me and paralyzing me with fear. I'm looking for new work but can't find anything. I'm trying to get in at a supermarket and it just feels degrading. I walk in there every few days to check in on my resume and the answer has been the same, "We're not hiring now." I'm loosing it. I have friends who are starting to make money again. I asked them for a job and they laughed at me. Said I don't really want a job I just want to follow some dream. And by the way it's a dream that they are more then happy to get there hands into just in case it happens.

My friend told me about how they were joking about my job request after I left. I'm at the lowest point in my life right now. I had to get off the phone. I felt like I was not only completely alone but like the biggest fuck up in the world. I started crying, I had to pull the van over. As I was sobbing I was screaming fuck you to all my friends and anyone in my little world. Then I started to curse out God. "Fuck you God!" And then I started proclaiming that there is no God and were all just fucked. Mostly it's me who's fucked because all I'm thinking about is myself at this point.

When I was in New Mexico I picked up a book for my wife filled with Native American sayings. The saying on the cover was "If it weren't for the tears of the eyes there would be no rainbow for the soul." I'm not usually a crier. I've gone over ten years without shedding a tear, but these last few years I've completely broke down twice.

I'm hoping for my rainbow. I feel crazy. There's also another quote I like and it goes something like this "It is no sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." For some reason this quote seems to resonate with me. I don't want to give in to the brainwashing and do what everyone else is doing. I want to be able to listen to my intuition. I want the inside to match the outside. I don't want to try to mask the inside with the outer. I don't want to hide who I am. I just want to be who I am. I want to be able to live as myself and not have to conform to some sick society. That's it.

Now I'll just bask in the rainbow of my soul.

Go fuck yourself

You're alone
try to fool yourself
try and believe you have friends
if you do you're a rich man
when you're riches fade so do your friends
when they stop getting they stop.
I should stop.

Try to fool yourself into believing in God
It'll work for a while
until you start to think for yourself
thinking for yourself is way over rated
You just realize your fucked when you start thinking for yourself

You're fucked and you're alone
There is no one looking after you
If you want anything in life you have to start conning
start conning people and start conning yourself.

You're fucked. You're alone.

You want to know how to be successful in life? Be born lucky.

otherwise you're fucked.

If you're fucked in life then you're best bet is to stop thinking for yourself and let other people do that for you. At least then you can relax. Let go of a little stress and ease a little pressure.

Go fuck yourself!

wrong is dead

It passed before me
the order was mixed
random pictures
A life that's fixed
tears are now?
There not here
not now or then
just numbing fear?
hold the template
destroy the old
leave the warm
walk through cold
laughter settles
the silences dies
I love the space
beyond the eyes
heartache feels
like it's all a part
a train that goes
from end to start
you think it's real
it's just a test
an act of worst
to get to best
ceilings slam
on heads of big
politics are
there to rig
holding staples
shooting guns
having terror
with angry nuns
tuck it in
before I do
priests will try
the scary through
but no one can
enter in
the place where
they call the sin
unless you open
the sacred door
do not enter
scare me more
tell your tale
and sing your song
until you feel
you have no wrong

The seed

Sometimes it wins
I try to stop
the feelings coming
over the top
Keep it cool
I tell myself
not for me
but someone else
lies of gold
and old tales
slipping grips
my coolness fails
never aiming
to see the end
but always ending
as no ones friend
I'm loosing
the plan that held
The strongest bridge
and then I yelled
to pull it all
and bring her down
the miss the take
forget the crown
thoughts have trapped
my body deep
eyes have lied
and evil creeped

Is love still there?
beneath the ground
the soils dry
below's the sound

Memory hears
that's all I need
memories of
the tiny seed

Where I should be

It's the heart
the place I sleep
it's the ones
I want to keep
I'm loved
Even if I'm down
the boys
don't let me frown
we wrestle
and make the laugh
we ride
the drainage path
the girl
She's got heat
it's her touch
our bodies meet
it's the family
the whole thing
we like the fun
we like to sing
heaven's here
I can see
I'm coming home
where I should be

You're horrible (you're great!)

You are the worst
You could be so much
You're cursed
Don't try to touch

but you
you're great
it's true
a blessed state

Don't talk
I've spoken
Don't walk
You're broken

Your stance
was prepared
a perfect dance
I so cared

But you can die
you're something less
You'll never fly
just confess!

Still chasing gold

I'm moving in
I'm running in fact
swift sin
That's my act
It felt good
It's embedded
memory that could
not be shredded
keep the tone
the air that flew
waters stone
the day I knew
the speed was on
the feel right
the loss had gone
I regained sight
only then
not today
it's the sin
into the play
my mind
won't be be wrong
but time
is still the song
kiss me again
like before
be my friend
I'm at the door
you have spare
I know this
please care
my little miss

Free will (Is it really free?)

Free will or choice. Anybody who wants to appear normal will tell you we have free will. It's an accepted fact amongst the people. I bought into the whole free will thing. All it did was give me panic attacks. Some people who believe in God must not completely believe in free will because their God steps in to help make everything work out. But not even those people can agree on how much power God has. Some of them say God's will is from the clouds up, he just juggles all the stars while man handles everything from the clouds down. Then others say that God handles all the big problems and man gets to engage in the small stuff. I guess it's like God at the steering wheel, he's not gonna let you drive the car but he'll let you mess with the stereo every now and then.

I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to know the answer about free will or choice. I definitely won't know the answer about God's will unless he speaks directly to me and that hasn't happened yet. So when I came to the conclusion that I'll never know the truth, what did I say? Fuck the truth.

I decided it was all God's will. Everything. The good and the bad. It was all him. Actions, thoughts, the whole shebang. The result was a relief. I didn't have to carry the world and it's problems on my shoulders. I was able to let that go. I was able to let go figuring out stuff. I was also able to let go of beating myself up. I've always been the type to carry around a lot of blame and regret. But not anymore, that wasn't me fucking up, that was God. I lost the shame.

On the other side of that coin I also couldn't take credit. I went for that "Of myself I am nothing, the father does the works" thing. It was cool.

Until....

I woke up 15 years later with no home and no money and no job. It's hard to keep the story going. Maybe there's both. Can both free will and choice exist at the same time? Can I move from world to world? Or do I need to choose one?

Thsi is my question.

Don't dwell

I don't know the quote exactly but it's by Winston Churchill and it goes something like this "Success is going from failure to failure without losing a good attitude." Well I've definitely got the failure to failure part down. I'm nailing that shit! Perfect failures. Perfect.

It's the keeping the positive outlook part that troubles me. I guess you just can't dwell on the failure. That can get you down. There's a difference between dwelling on the mistake and learning from the mistake. A normal healthy dude will say to himself,"Okay, I won't do that again."

And then a not so healthy dude (I know this guy well) will keep thinking about the mistake over and over again like a broken record. "Fuck, I can't believe that happened. Why did I say that? Those people must think I'm an idiot. Oh God I am an idiot. They're right."

So don't dwell. Just learn and move on.

Learn how to die

Don't know how it happens but I'm back in Albuquerque. I don't ever want to come here but the people are nice. I have friends here. I do stuff here. Comedy being one of those things. I'm so tired.

There was a good amount of turbulence in the air today. Whenever there's turbulence I think of dying. I decided that I was ready. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die or anything, I just decided that If I did I was ready. I don't know what that means or where that came from but it seemed to come from a peaceful place.

When I was studying meditation there was a technique called the "death" technique. You were supposed to just contemplate death. There's also a wilco song that says something like,"You've got to learn how to die if you want to learn how to live."

We've got to die to live. So here's to dying.

Fuck you! How nice would it be?

Post 200 everybody, and when I say everybody I'm mostly talking to me. I'm doing it. Doing what I don't know but I'm doing something. I'm moving forward, which is better than backwards, unless you're trying to back out of hell. In that case walking backwards is ok. In my case I'm walking forward towards the mountain. I don't know why it's a mountain but it is. I'm walking towards the mountain. At first I was backing away from insanity but now I'm walking towards the mountain.

What mountain am I walking towards you ask? I don't know what fucking mountain you dip shit, I'm just walking towards the mountain. It's the mountain of spirit. When I mount this mountain I get to keep my spirit. And when I say spirit all I'm really saying is I don't have to be a loser.

200 is big. It started with day one and now I'm at 200. I have momentum. Momentum towards what I don't know but it's momentum and I'll take it. It's the ripple that will turn into a tsunami. The tsunami being my eventual ability to pay my rent on time.

Here's to momentum and here's to the rent being paid and here's to saying fuck you to people who you want to say fuck you to but are scared to.

You know who you are; Fuck you.

Are you a comedian?

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I'm not a comedian. I'm an "aspiring" comedian. I've listened to enough comedians podcasts to learn that unless you get paid and have paid your dues you are not a real comedian. Anyways, I got asked tonight by a girl if I was a comedian. She said if not I should be, I told her I was an aspiring comedian and she said no you're a comedian. She said I have the comic timing and the self effacing necessary for good comedy. I'll take it.

A good comedy show can really turn things around for me. I feel decent tonight.

The thing is I know enough to know that I don't know. I know enough to know that I have a lot to learn. The first thing I need are the tools. I've got the delivery machine. I just need the content to deliver. Where does this come from? Answer: me. I write every day and that's a start but I need to start writing smarter. I need to get the comedy toolbox. The joke wrench, a joke hammer, some funny nails, a hilarious drill and some silly screws to put inside my joke box.

I need the joke muscles. Like real muscles the joke muscles don't come easy, they come with working out. If you don't know how to work out then you need a trainer. Then when you learn how to exercise you develop your own personal routine.

I just want to work my joke muscles into shape. I am a comedian when I have 45 minutes of funny material. This is when I can put on that hat. This is when I can go crazy with the promotion side. But now I'm back to basics. Write the jokes. Like a pimp with a strong pimp hand I need a strong joke hand.

I'm gonna be smacking audiences with my joke hand so watch out.

The meaning of life

I'm not comfortable with dying, I'm more of a stay alive type guy.

During my younger years I spent so much time thinking about the meaning of life. What does it mean. I was a baptist Christian so our church was right and everyone else was going to hell. Gandhi was a nice guy but he was burning. Something about us being the only ones who were doing it right didn't ring true to me. I strayed.

I became lost and nothing made sense. I couldn't find the point to anything. What was the point to life? What was the point to doing anything when we're all going to die anyways? What was the point to organized sports. Sports were just one big joke that I never got.

I wanted an answer. I wanted the truth! Was Jesus the truth? Was it buddah? Or krishna? Or maybe the truth was hidden somewhere in the lesbian culture with their lesbian God, bitchwarrior. I tried it all especially bitchwarrior.

Come to find out that I didn't really want the truth at all, I just wanted to be right just like my church so I could tell people they were wrong. All I've found out is that you'll never know the truth.

Fuck the truth! You are the truth, it's within you. This is where to look, this is where to retreat, this is where you can draw strength.

That's my only truth, that's my only meaning.

death

Things change. Really profound, huh? I'm pretty deep sometimes. Things change. I don't like it, I'm more of a things stay the same type of guy. That's why I'm not always the best at being human. As fucked up as life is and as disappointing as life can be, I still want to live. Is that weird? That I want to breath air and stuff. Eat pizza and play with my kids. Maybe kiss my wife now and again.

I get uncomfortable when I think of dying. That's normal, right? I don't really care for dying. I'm more of a living type of guy. I get really uncomfortable thinking of death. I think of death a lot. I know, you're not supposed to think of death, you're supposed to pretend that when you die you'll get to spend eternity in heaven, walking on clouds in all white clothing. If you just believe that then you won't have to think about death and you won't have to feel uncomfortable. My only problem is that I have a hard time believing in fairy tales. I'm more of a I like to use common sense type of a guy.

The thought of dying, and then that's it, doesn't sit well with me. I want to keep going. Maybe an after life is a fairy tale but to me it makes more sense than not. I want to learn, I want to have fun, and I want to relax. What does that have to do with death? Who knows.

The breaking point

My back was against the wall. I was drunk and stoned off of sleep deprivation. It was a strain to formulate coherent thoughts and sentences. My stomach had been consumed with an all encompassing anxiety that was making all my decisions. Fear was ruling me. Fear of loss. Fear of abandonment. Fear of leaving.

But staying has been painful and it was growing worse by the moment. I was the slave, the bitch. I allowed it, or I should say my fear allowed it. Soon the pain became unbearable, worse than the fear. I was cornered. I was asked to play the part of peon. I broke.

They broke me. The pain of staying became greater than the fear of leaving. The breaking point, or the turning point, or the jumping off place. They pushed me to the edge and I wouldn't let them keep my soul, I held tight. My spirit won't die. They said, "Hand it over!"

I couldn't do it. I jumped. The moment my feet left the edge my gut relaxed and I became calm. The fear left.