Join hearts

Our time has closed the door is shut
But memories made imprint my gut
Your smile was straight out from a dream
I'll remember you not as my fading gleam
Time isn't there is what they now say
But it feels so real as the sun hits the day
Let your light join the one that it starts
For that one is mine and where we join hearts

Water machines

Guys in my line of work aren't exactly Charlie Sheen style "winning" at life.  But that doesn't stop them from trying.  This coworker who is fifty years old and like myself, has trouble paying rent.  But he is planning on getting rich, with multilevel marketing (MLM).  Multilevel marketing gives you all the free time you need, all the money you need, and you get to be your own boss!  This guy is pumped!!

He's invested in these water machines.  I guess you hook this machine up to your faucet and it turns tap water into "healing" water.  Legally you can't day it heals, but it fucking heals.  My coworker has spoken to scientists and interviewed doctors about this stuff so you know it has to be true.

All I know is that as soon as I get an extra $1200-$3900 I'm going to get a water healing machine.  The guy spoke to scientists, that's serious.  I've never even met a scientist, but my coworker has and he talked to him about water machines that heal.

This stuff has got to work, my coworker is betting everything on it.

sleep tight

After life thoughts
Jealous of gots
Hero mind sets
Acting forgets
praying in line
staying in blind

Fine line time
And band sand

heals and peels
reals for feels

stage left
bored right
help theft

sleep tight

Why a "job" could be good

Isn't it a fucked up thing that the one thing you detest most is thing you are?  For instance the thing I hate most is really cool people who everyone likes and are just generally rad people. So inevitably because I hate these people I end up being just that, super cool and everyone loves me.  I can't stand it!

I don't know if you can tell by looking at me but I don't have a steady career or "income stream".  I've learned that women seem to like their men to have an "income stream".  Anyways, my point is I'm a late night trivia host in bars.  I walk into a bar with my microphone and PA system and I say, "Hi everyone, it's time for Trivia night!" Then I walk up to every table and say, "Hi, we're gonna play trivia tonight.  We play for free drinks and money.  Do any of you guys like free drinks and money?"  One thing I've learned is that most people in bars like both "free drinks" and "money".

Then I give the table some answer sheets and tell them to come up with a team name.  Usually they come up with something wacky like "Poopy Poop Poo."  Pretty crazy huh?  One team was formed of a few strangers, the two remember-able strangers were the "Big Fisherman" and the "Scrawny street performer" (This guy wore a guitar on his back).  They called themselves "The Beatniks".

As the evening progressed and many drinks were consumed the bar, with my help, was having a very enjoyable time.  On the last round the "scrawny street performer" changed the team name from "The beatniks" To "The beatnik cocksuckers".  I announced this change through my PA system to let everyone in the bar know about this wacky and zany name change.

Very shortly after I made this announcement I felt a squeeze around my neck.  Turns out that the "Big Fisherman" was unaware of his teams name change and he was choking me for calling him a "cocksucker".  My first thought was, "Wow, this guy is choking pretty hard for just kidding."

Then he kept choking harder and harder while yelling, "Why did you call me a cocksucker?  I'm not a cocksucker!!!!!  I'm not a COCKSUCKER!!!!!!!!!!".

The crowd in the bar surrounded us and the bouncer pulled the gentleman off of me.  He just wanted to make sure that I knew he wasn't a cocksucker.

I guess the point of my story is this: It's good in life to have an income stream or as the women in my life like to put it, a "job".  Otherwise you too might get choked, very hard.

Point with the hand

I saw this guy I knew who used to make money but now he was working at Starbucks.  I judged him.  Then I became a guy who couldn't even get a job at Starbucks.  If you judge some guy just because he's a loser means that you will become a loser.  I learned that from Jesus.

Did you know that if you point a finger at someone, there's 3 fingers pointing back at you.  That's why I point with every finger in my hand, I point with the whole hand.

When I was hitting rock bottom my guru told me everyone in life has that one incredibly hard problem or issue they have to deal with.  He told me his was a small pimple on his face.

Dance to the DJ

I don't know if I beleive that God has a plan. It just doesn't seem that fun if God already has everything preordained. Wouldn't that make God kind of nerdy and anal if he had some precise plan and he was just in the sky making sure it all goes according to his word?

I think God is cooler than that. Instead of carrying out some plan I see God mixing it live. I think God is like a DJ in the clouds mixing his tunes on the fly. I'm dancing to this shit. That's an important thing to remember, to dance. You've got to dance to the tune the dj's spinning. Sure you can put some requests in but in the end you've got to dance. You can't stand with your back against the wall.

Today I'm going to enjoy the music.

The prides last walk

The last standing stillness made
The final mercy in waters of calm
Holding to templates that fade
And pretending the worlds in palm
It's blankets that keep us warm
It's the one's we hate who remove
I'm closing my eyes in the storm
And there's always pride to prove

Empty in a good way
Empty from full
Come or just stay
But always walk cool

Such a lie to keep
it hurts from inside
Going down it's steep
And alone is the pride

The other side of the coin

I used to get sad when a friend was moving out of town.  It felt like my world was shrinking.  What if more friends move out of town?  Until one day I'm left with no friends.  Then what am I gonna do?  Go make new friends?  I'm too old to make new friends.  I don't like to go out and meet people.

These are the thoughts I would have.

Then a thought occurred to me that maybe my world isn't getting smaller when a friend moves away.  Maybe the opposite is true.  And now that's how I like to look at it, I like to see my world as an ever expanding adventure around the globe.  My world's not getting smaller but it's growing, and it's getting bigger every time a friend leaves.  I have friends in NYC, San Francisco, Albuquerque, Oklahoma, Los Angeles, Indiana, Texas and probably many more places.

I'm not alone.  I'm welcome in many different states, if I so wish to visit.

The lesson for me is: If I think things are bad due to my perception on life, maybe I can look at the opposite angle see that there's that side of the coin too.  

It's near just not here

Going in unscripted
Not the best plan
How am I depicted?
An uncomfortable man.

Suit is in my favor
That's the lie I tell
Each breath I can savor
As I walk through silent hell

Forget the lines
The laughs of before
It's all the same signs
And the routine is a bore

Holding on to noise
Is the essence of my goal
I'm all the boys
That's the motto I stole

Thoughts are there to steer
It's more than you think
It's putting in the gear
And slipping in the sink

At last I try to end
The biggest type of cheer
After no one's friend
Not here but somewhere near

Let's sell Jesus!

Well I guess I have egg on my face don't I?  I didn't get raptured up to heaven.  That fucking preacher said there was no way this couldn't happen.  How am I going to pay rent?  I spent all the families money on those damn whores and now I'm fucked!

What are you supposed to do after the world doesn't end?  It was so comforting knowing the world was going to end.  I usually don't know how life is going to work out and for once I had an answer.  Now I have nothing.  Nothing...except for a wife and two young kids, but who needs any of that bullshit.  I wanted some fucking excitement for a change.  Now all I do for fun is send my kids upstairs for time out while I watch Larry Sanders on netflix.

Oh well, you loose some you win some.

I need to get back into multilevel marketing.   With multilevel marketing you get to be your own boss, you have tons of free time, and you end up with tons of cash!  I tried to start my own MLM one time.  I had a great product, selling Jesus!  Not only could you get rich in my program but you were able to secure your place in heaven once you hit the diamond level!

Let's do this, let's sell Jesus!

My last day

It's almost time for me to go with Jesus.  I'm really gonna miss you guys.  I'll definitely try to think about you in heaven but I'm kind of guessing that God might make me forget everyone I knew on Earth just because it might bum me out thinking about how you guys have to burn in hell fire for eternity.  Thoughts like that aren't really conducive to the whole ecstasy vibe that we're trying to create upstairs.  If my brain does get cleared of all memories of my old hell bound friends just remember that I do love you and I'm sorry that you're in excruciating pain.  Hopefully after a while you get used to the fire although I have heard that the pain gets increasingly worse for eternity.

Oh well, I guess I have to get going now because Jesus is ready for me.  He's probably outside my door.

I think the first thing I'm going to do in heaven is go into the truth or dare room.  I'm definitely single in the afterlife!

Fuck you happiness

I'd be lying if I told you I didn't want "Fuck you money".  The thought that I could just tell anyone I wanted to to fuck off, and not care about how it might effect me financially sounds awesome.  That doesn't seem like the best attitude huh?  I don't care.  I like the thought of living for myself and not being forced to comply with anyone's hand of authority.  So you got me, I don't like authority figures.

The truth is I don't know if I'll ever get to have fuck you money but I'm coming to realize that there is a peice of myself that no one can ever really touch, unless I let them.  The inner Duke.  The true Duke.  If I'm cool there then it really doesn't matter what the guys on the outside try to get me to do.

In short, what I'm talking about is "Fuck you happiness".  It's my personal attainable version of "Fuck you Money". 

I'm out of time, going camping with my son's.  Spending time with them makes me happy.  So go fuck yourself.

Possibly me

It's the feel of life
it's the dream in motion
it's the wind and the clearness
it's the sought emotion
walking cool and thinking free
empty is the gut that's wrenched
and the sky is all the beautiful thoughts
and the fists are unclenched
I'm strolling through the day
I'm loving your smile that came from me
nothing seems to bother
so open is every single possibility.

The Tao of Sidekick

The sidekick is the easiest job.  Sure everyone wants to be the host.  The star.  But no one really realizes how easy, relaxed and fun it is to be the sidekick.  The host has to stress.  The first one there the last one to leave, his mind is on the show every waking hour and the show most likely occupies most of his dreams and/or nightmares.

But the sidekick, he rolls in late in the afternoon, eats a couple donuts, hits on a few secretaries and then strolls over to the set and stretches out on the couch.  After the show the host is stressing about how it went and what to do for the next show.  Meanwhile the sidekick is tossing the nerf football with a couple of writers and is peacefully enjoying every second of the experience.

When the show starts the host is spinning a dozen plates, his mind working a million miles an hour.  The sidekick relaxes and enjoys himself.  He's having fun!  He kicks back and if he thinks of something funny he shouts it out.  The crowd laughs and everyone thinks he's hilarious.  If he can't think of anything he shuts up and let's the host do the work.

All I'm saying is it's a lot more fun being the sidekick.  It's an easy gig.  It's probably the best gig.

What I'm trying to say is you don't have to be a baller.  You don't have to be the top dog.  Keep the overhead low, keep the free time to a maximum, and the stress to a minimum.  Have fun like a sidekick!  Party like a sidekick! 

The Tao of Sidekick.

More crazy talk

You think you know?  I've never really thought that unless it was concerning knowing that I don't know.  I'm not even sure about that.  Maybe it's time to get sure about something?  Or maybe it's just good to be a searching soul.  I can't really stand people who know the answer, although I tend to get a lot of enjoyment listening to them.  I have problems.

What am I doing?  OK Duke just chill.  Just write something.  I've got nothing.

Before you're born you don't exist.  Then you are born and you exist.  Then you die and you don't exist.  So life is just an interruption of non existence?

Don't think about this stuff just eat some pizza and go shopping and try your best to get laid.  Is that what it comes down to?  I tried to start a skateboard company with the motto EFW: Eat Fuck Win.  Didn't really take off.

It's about tapping into something.  Something real.  A real moment.  I think the word I want is authenticity.  I want authenticity.  I want to wake up feeling that all my actions and thoughts were real.  Authentic.  Not something that doesn't mean anything.  Find meaning.  What's your meaning.

Enough crazy talk.

Light years need spaceships

I feel so close yet light years away.  It's a different world and I'm looking in from the outside.  It's always gonna feel that way until I get with the program.  I've never been a "join life" kind of guy in my natural state.  I'm doing little things.  It starts with the little ones, stay consistent.  This is the mind ramblings from a semi focused crazy man with a blurry goal and a blind path.

I hear it's never easy and that's depressing, but I've got to believe that's a lie.  The people who say it never gets easier don't remember the hard part.  It's been too long for them.  Or they didn't have to experience it.  I want a taste of the nectar (more insane gibberish).

Some things just need to be repeated, but sometimes you need to make tweaks in your ship (now I'm getting messages from the mother ship).  Make an adjustment to your space ship young cowboy, the universe is yours to lasso.

I've been thinking a lot about the movie It's a Wonderful Life.  That's my life.  But it's not going to stop me.  I do have an amazing family and live in a beautiful place, but I still know I can have it all.

Or can I?

I love the vibe

I love the vibe.
There's a certain frequency that I can sometimes tune into.
It's a delicate knob and if I don't turn it just right it's all static.
But sometimes the beam is crystal clear.
It's like blowing bubbles, a lot pop in the beginning but when you get the hang of it that floating bubble has a perfect beauty to it.
I felt that frequency tonight.
The volume was barely audible but I was given a glimpse into the possibilities.
I'm starting to meditate after yoga now, I think it's going to help me tune in more often.
I love the vibe.

Choose your door

With peaceful intent my way has been chose
I see the extent to the way my wind blows
the reckless endeavors saved for the few
decisions that severs the path that was through
long cuts live as the path looks unclear
it's just to forgive that keeps up the fear
silver lines are old and my book has to close
it can't be all cold with the doors that I've chose

A Miner's Night's Dream

It keeps resurfacing.  I don't acknowledge it, but it's there.
It's from a long time ago.  We all have stories, and mine is hidden.
I try to unlock it with some key, to open the safe. Why do I care?
My mind won't travel to certain areas, these zones are labeled forbidden.

It's all perspective I suppose, but to me it's a matter of living and dying.
It's two fold yet I can only see one, and many times I see less.
I drive but the tears slow me down, no one should be so hard trying.
This is my love story turned mad, this is my body gone careless.

There's nothing worse than lost time, than memories of waste.
This is my song to your universe, this is an image to explore.
I've developed patterns, but this is a fruit I can taste.
I want the gold, it's there.  I'm mining, nothing more.

We went under

We went under water.  It's a rush, almost dying.  Coming close to death is one of the times when you truly feel alive.  I've had more than a fair share of times in my life when I thought I could die.  I've known a lot of people who have died.  One of the things I've noticed about people dying is that it's usually them and not me.  Guess I'm just lucky.

The worst is when you're not almost dying and you're not living.  I've had more than my fair share of that.  I learned at an early age how to tune out life.  Hoe to basically just stay numb and allow the hours to float by.  It used to be almost an art form now that I think about it.  I had days alone as a child with no stimulation, just tuned out.

We went under water and I felt alive, so did my 4 year old, he didn't even cry.  Surfing is something that makes me feel better after I do it.  It's important to have a few of those things in your life.  With two young children I'm forced to ask myself what's important to me in life.  What do I want to pass along.  It's also easy for me to do the bare minimum and tune out.  That's why I love it when something spectacularly beautiful wakes me up.

I like my kids getting  familiar with the ocean.  It teaches them a certain amount of respect for their limitations and to me that's important.

I don't have much left in me right now, so until next time.

The confusion close

The confusion close. This is when the sales person begins to talk circles. So much so that I'm not sure what's going on anymore. What did he just say? Do you understand what he's talking about? I'm not sure what's going on. I don't understand. The circles of words are confusing me. Where am I right now? Who am I? I'm forgetting. Make the words stop. Make everything stop. I can't understand the words. Must go. I can't.

"That sounds great, I'll buy it!"

The confusion salesman strikes again.

I'm sensitive. Who isn't?
I'm naive, easily manipulated. Why? I can manipulate people. I do.  Why do I fall for it?  I'm a believer.  I guess I'm like the monkeys.  Or Neil Diamond.  My Dad's favorite was Neil Diamond.
I'm dizzy. I throw up from headaches sometimes.
My eyelids are heavier than a warehouse door. My band played a gig in a warehouse



I've always wanted to own a warehouse.  My own little getaway.

I'm loosing it.

I surfed today with my son.  That's the best thing I have going for me.  No matter how my life is going I think that should be the best thing going for me so at least I've got that right.

I killed tonight, comedically speaking.

I'm the Brian Wilson of nobodies.

I need therapy.

The letter

My letter scared me.  It was threatening.  I'm already a beaten man, and now this?  How is it that people like to kick others when they're down?

The letter has me stressed.  I'm frightened of people who used to love me.  I've fallen from grace.  These people used to love me, even more than her.

The monster cornered me.  I tried to get away but I couldn't.  She forced the letter on me.  Can you be raped by letter.  If so then I have.  I closed my eyes and took it... The letter.

I couldn't read it.  That's when the rape begins.  Who ever heard of initiating your own rape?  It was my choice to wait, maybe indefinately.

I'm gone and so is the letter.

Don't read this shit

Where's my motion?
Where's my Christmas?
Is that what I've come to?

My Christmas is gone.

I'm surfing wave right now, but I'm just thinking of other waves and other beaches and other surfers and old bikini girls. What happened to the sayings? Are they still alive?

"You've got to surf the wave you're on, not the one that's gone."

"You've got to hit the bong you're on, not the one that's gone."

"It's the endless summer, not the endless bummer."

"It's the endless c#$%er"

I don't know what the fuck I'm writing. Don't read this. Just get up and walk away.

I've got nothing. What kind of a person has got nothing and then proceeds to put it on the internet?

Answer: An unsuccessful person

Fuck.

I need to read a book.

What book am I going to read?

I think I'm getting dumber.

Now what? Congratulate for writing nonsense for 234 days in a row? Where the fuck is the beam?

I'm way off the reservation.

My four year old

My four year old is crazy. He's also got awesome comic timing. I love him. I have him in Jiujitsu and he's the worst kid in the class. Doesn't pay attention, pushes the other kids in line and always says he has to go to the bathroom. During the class creed in the beginning of the class he screams it at the top of his lungs. When everyone's doing sit ups he lays there. When the instructor was telling the class that none of them wanted to be a bully my son raised his hand and said, "Actually I want to be a bully."

They make him sit on the bench when he's particularly bad. It was time for promotions the other day. The instructor said, "We have two promotions."

My son said, "One of them better be for me."

The first promotion was for my 6 year old. My four year old said, "That other one's for me right?"

The instructor called another kid up to get a stripe. Immediately my son started crying when you're supposed to clap for your classmate. Uncontrollable crying. Drool coming down the face. Crying the whole ride home. It was kind of funny. That sounds mean but he's so self centered that he couldn't believe it wasn't all about him.

Like father like son.

I took my four year old surfing for the first time the other day. He just laid on my long board and we rode waves on our belly. He was so proud. I was so proud.

I took him to a birthday party at the park. He was on the swings. I said, "Hey look how high you're swinging!"

He said, "That's cause I'm pumping my legs you idiot!"

I love you son.

a Nothing ending

Down
sleep
eyes
mind
talking
crazy
thinking
spiral
stop
god
nothing

Not here fool

You're not us
You're not in it man
Get off the bus
You think you're better than?
No more nice
No more of my little act
I like your dice
And your blindness to fact
Live on nothing freak
Just don't come back here
You're not what we seek
We're partying with beer
You're not we
We don't want you
Blind can't see
We choose a few
It's your face
Your desperate eye
Your hearts disgrace
And that ugly tie

Die

My tired chain

Heavy lids
sleepy heads
crazy kids
yearning beds
hearing sounds
language known
holding rounds
heads are blown
stripes of white
seas of blue
gold's in sight
and so are you
nodding down
almost out
through the town
hear me shout
a silent yell
a forward stare
a wrongful sell
I've gotta bare
take the turn
pay the pain
feel the burn
and break the chain

I care what they think

I'm anxious. What's up with me? It's this feeling that I'm in some type of a race, a race that I'm doing very poorly in. It's not just that I'm in a race, I have this feeling that I'm in a race with a big crowd of spectators. It's a very judgemental race and the spectators seem to be not only judging me but they're booing me. Calling me names. Laughing at me. This race has me very anxious.

It's the other parents, it's the people from the neigborhood, the church people, it's my frenemies, it's my mom! All judging me, very harshly. I hear their voices. In fact they live in my head. They talk to me all day long. They comment on everything I do.

I care. I care what other people think.

I just envisioned a life without caring about what all these people thought and a deep feeling of relaxation hit me. Maybe one of these days I'll try it.

Out from none

Left or right
Straight or hold
Now's the night
move or fold
the water's hot
The prime is here
The heat I got
Fueled with fear
The fear is good
If you steer the boat
You know you should
It's beyond the gloat
It's holding still
Shoot the gun
Use the will
Step out from none

My head!

There's something about the prospect of throwing up that changes your perspective. After last nights blog my headache grew extremely worse. I couldn't lay down, I couldn't stand up, I didn't know what do do. I finally sat on the toilet and started puking my brains out. The body turned white and cold like death was at the door. I started to get more thoughts of dying. "Please don't let me puke" was my mantra until I passed the point of no return. I'm fucking sober. I don't know what the problem is. Was it sun poisoning? Have I been eating poorly? Am I stressed? Do I have the flu? I don't know what the fuck is happening.

I'm at some strange turning point. Am I going to be healthy or not? Am I a writer or not? Am I a comic or not? Am I a film maker or not? Am I even me? Who is me?

Puke!

My heads killing me.