Park

Broken runs and the tv show
words gone bad and the want to go
kids stone face and the sound of death
no escape with the precious breath
it's time to kill and the moment is clear
the peoples will can get you somewhere near
but you need to tap into the one unknown
into the gap where you stand alone
the sky is bright and the call is dark
but the moon does light and the car does park
it's the type of place with feel so right
you loose the face but you gain your sight
so with the time as it always goes
I keep the rhyme from the one who knows

The helm

I've poked my head up above the clouds
to the place where angels spoke
I've played the songs to mindful crowds
I've felt rich when I was broke
morning comes with country air
and the more I felt I'd write
cause the angels did begin to stare
as I listened I did write
I want to see another realm
the one I touched before
give me license to the helm
and reach into my core

it's coming.

One's own home

Moving hands affects my brain.
Knocking the stands, riding the train.
I've got the move but it needs time
It's got the groove and the gold that's mine
Is locked below the unseen deep
The more you know, the less you keep
It's holding life for my protection
The sharpest knife won't cut reflection
To see the moment to stamp the mind
to seek atonement you can not find
Is missing marks without the thought
Bright are the sparks when focus is caught
It's all the same yet still unknown
There's better aim from one's own home

Outside myself

I'm on the outside. You would think I would be looking in but I'm not even doing that. I could be aware of so much but I'm somewhere else alltogether. I'm numb. I'm checked out. I'm tired but I'm not sleeping. My eyes are open but I'm not in control. I'm gone. Another universe.

Some people tale something for the pain. Or maybe they get into something. I just freeze. Like a computer freezes, that's me.

I'm nodding off as I write. I'm sober. I'm overworked.

Tired and stressed

I don't have a steady income. I take things personal. Work says I better fo a good job if I want more work. I don't care for subtle threats.

I like the road but I can't take direction. I have some type of a need for freedom and it's stressing me out. I'm sleeping as I write this.

My alarm is set for too early. My eyes must shut now.

It's all catching up to mr and I must face the truth.

I don't know what I'm writing. I'm in a dream.

My Understanding Of Stand Up Comedy As Of Today

Comedy is a tricky thing. It can slip through your fingers or it can lift you up to a higher plane. It can also drag you down to new all time lows. This is where my understanding of stand up comedy is after performing once or twice a week for a year.

First off, laughs are important. All comedians want them, this is the oxygen that gives a comic life. I heard early on that a pro comic gets a laugh every 15 seconds. You can be the funniest guy in front of your friends but when you get on stage in front of a group of strangers it's a completely different story.

You need confidence. If you're nervous the audience smells it. They need to know that you are in control or else everyone gets very uncomfortable and you get labled in their minds as not funny. Where does the confidence come from? Your mind needs to recall many different nights from your past when you made an audience of strangers laugh. So the first thing the comic needs is experience making people laugh on stage and they need a lot of it. You need to work that comedy muscle out.

Once you figure out when people are laughing you need to repeat that. When you can repeat it and people are laughing at the right places consistently then you are starting to get somewhere. You shorten the parts that are not funny and start to bring the laughs closer together. Eventually you get to the spot where you hear the laughs every fifteen seconds. When you get to this point you begin to understand your rhythm. Understanding your rhthym is important for when you are coming up with new material.

Eventually let's say you have a 5 minute act down with a laugh every 15 seconds. You're no longer just talking but you are basically reciting jokes every 15 seconds. This is where you can run into a pitfall. Maybe you start writig one liners because our entire act is basically one liners all strung together. This is fine but you can't stop there. This is when fear meets up with you. You know how to make people laugh and you know how to do it every 15 seconds! The only problem is how to come up with more material. When you were first learning to make people laugh, how did you start? You started by getting up in front of people and just talking. The only problem is at that time you were new to comedy and you didn't care that much about the laughs. Now you do. It's scary to start talking when you don't know where the laughs are.

This is a fear that you have to walk through. You have to eat shit. Just get up there and talk. Eventually you get a laugh. Then after a while you learn a talking rhythm that gets the laughs. In the end you want to know two things: 1. How to write and spot a good joke. And 2. How to talk funny. This combination is my understanding of stand up comedy as today. Hopefully it evolves and as the muscles grow the laughs come easier.

Up or down?

I have thoughts in my head that are socially unacceptable. They just pop into my head. It's not me, I swear. Yet if I mention these thoughts I get gang thumped with dissaproval. My head loves to beat me up. In the same breath it also tells me I can do great things. Maybe the great things thought comes first then the dissaproving hammer slams down and crushes all.

The first crazy thoughts were,"Wouldn't it be funny of I smashed this car battery on my wife's head?" please keep in mind that this was just some thought, I don't want to smash my wife with anything other than a smashing kiss. Then there's the thought,"Wow look at that baby on the stroller. I wonder what would happen of I dumped this hot coffee in his face?". It was just a thought people, calm down.

One thing I learned is that I'm not responsible for the first thought that pops into my head but I am responsible for entertaining it thereafter.

My mind will think something and then all of a sudden I'll hear,"I hate you Duke. I hate you Duke. I hate you Duke!". Another one that sounds freakier than it is, so please don't freak out, is this: whenever my mind thinks of something stupid I said or maybe immediately after I say something out loud that my mind deems unapropriate I'll hear this thought saying,"I want to stab myself. I want to stab myself."

Okay so far we've learned I have problems. When you put yourself out into the world creatively you open yourself up to be uncomfortable. I've been very uncomfortable because I've been following my creativity.

One cool thing I've experience after dedicating myself and adhering to a discipline is that I've started to connect with something bigger than myself. I've had a thought recently that said,"Theres no longer a reason to beat yourself up. You have your own greatness inside and you're starting to get close to it. You can stand tall with yourself if you want." This has been a freeing thought and I hope to follow this path.

Maps

I have a job where I use maps! It's very important, that's why I need maps! I just hosted an open mic comedy night at a bar with very few people in the audience. It's almost 11 pm now and I need to wake up at 4am to work. Cause I have a job, that uses maps!

Maps!

I take the picture

I look around and I see my sons
I see my wife and the day is done
I look for shelter and find it here
these are the ones when my mind is unclear
they say the closest are hurt the most
my close ones are near but my body is on coast
even then you can't protect from unknown
and the level that can hurt is the one left alone
my home is warm and is next to the sea
my call is strong but they hear the love from me
have long lasting pictures running in my head
this is the game when you wake up from the dead
my girl is asking for love and then some rest
my kid is dancing he thinks that he's the best
it's like a tunnel looking through my life
holding hands with my boys and kissing on my wife

I take the picture

Not my bucket!

I was in sixth grade, 12 years old. I was on a baseball team. My mom and I were about to buy baseball cleets. Right as we were walking out the door the phone rang. My mom picked up. The vibe was happy before the call. My world was still somewhat innocent. Sure there were things that were fucking with my view of the universe but it was that call that shattered my universe alltogether. My mom started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me to wait in the car. She was balling at this point.

My friend Chris taught me how to build a quarter pipe skateboard ramp. We kept it in the garage. I went into the garage an sat on the quarter pipe. I started to cry. No one had told me anything at this point in time but I knew. I was fucked up. I was broken. My mom finally came in the garage and said,"your father is in heaven." I love how when they die we allways say heaven but if I were to believe anything I learned in church then he was somewhere else.

My dad apparently said at one point," When I die I don't want anyone to be sad. I want you to throw a big party."

My dad was fiends with big deal chasers. Work hard and party hard. It was allways feast or famine with these guys. 10 guys, my dad included, bought a huge yacht. This is where we had the party. The bar tender was serving me. I had never really drank before except for sips off my dads drink when he would ask me to get him a beer.

I remember some of his friends telling stories. They had me throw a reef into the ocean. More drinks. More stories. Drinking. Dancing. Blurriness. Someone approaches my mom,"Do you want your son to end up like his dad?"

I remember being at the airport after the funeral party. "Mom I don't feel good."

I saw a janitor wheeling around a trash can. I started running towards him. The janitor looked in my eye and started to shake his head no. I proceeded. I put my head in his trash can and puked my brains out. All I hear are the words,"No! No! Not my bucket!!! Not my bucket!!!!!!"

That was 25 years ago. Allthough I don't drink today, I still manage to upset people for puking in their buckets. It's kind of my thing.

Changing the scene

Pulling the strings and guiding the things
I'm on a wheel spinning round and round
up on the shelf I know it's someone else
creating chaos all throughout my town
I'm listening strong and I've been living too long
with a game that I just can't win
they hold me with illusion and feed me the delusion
that I've just got to try again

I see you pulling the lever I see that you're clever
but I just want a try at the wheel
you make a move that you know I couldn't prove
but I've got The right kind of feel
so don't go back to the fear of the lack
because my body is a proven machine.
You can walk the storm but you can't keep me warm
and that's why I'm changig up the scene.

Universal

I'm trying to get to a space where I'm good. My wife's good. My kids are good. The plan is good.

I'm broken. The plans broken. The game is rigged.

That's what I'm talking about. That's the talk that I'm hearing. What happens when you work so hard that it makes you broke and turns you crazy?

Where's my strobe light? Such good memories from the night we used the strobe. It's right here. I can taste it. The strobe is on in a parallel universe. How do you shift universes? I keep ending up in the wrong ones.

When does God go from personal to universal? That's all we need. To see ourselves in everyone. To see God in everyone. When we hurt others we hurt ourselves. When we help we heal. How can I help?

Rotation

I'm fighting someone but I don't know who
I'm seeing enemies that walk right through
all hell has opened through the gate
it looks the same like when I beleived in fate
it's more now but at the same time less
I've seen battles fought that I did bless
an evening sky of pink and red
a days long journey to see the dead
an hour of pleasure for a life of pain
an hour of nothing can make you again sane
to do nothing has now become my friend
we walk together and think of the end
it's the end that teaches us how we can live
and opens our eyes to the ones that forgive
a word that's too hard for some to even speak
comes harder to some for their ship has a leak
and slow is the capsize it only goes slow
to the point that the passangers don't even know
and this time, the time that's before no return
is the one my eyes opened and finally did learn
but to know wasn't helpful like I might have thought
but blessed is pain for that's what I got
I didn't want it but who wants to wake from a sleep
only in hindsight do I see rewards I did reap
so with no more delay I set out to turn
and walked my way out while my body did burn
I kept walking until one day I looked up
and noticed the fill inside of my cup
and I remembered the pain though it drifted away
I knew I could make much more of today
so my eyes are open and I look through them now
they see beauty and love all around me somehow
I feel I can't drown I carry with me floatation
all because pain awoken the idea of rotation.

The toll

Sleepy eyes and random thoughts
unheard cries and blurry spots
a turning gut an empty shell
a healing cut that time we fell
insane this way the time of death
a feel today that takes the breath
hold the child and wake the soul
become the wild pay the toll

Do you ever feel?

Do you ever feel like you are floating?
Floating outside of your body?
Do you ever feel asleep at the wheel?
Watching your life coast on auto pilot?
Do you ever feel like you are not you?
Like you are a group of random cells that regenerated into this being with memories?
Memories that are not yours?
But another souls?
Do you ever feel lost?
Do you ever feel confused or are you really as sure as you sound?
Do you ever feel like you are the only one?
Trapped in a body of hurt?

The Bumble Bee

The bee flys through my brain. He buzzes. He pollinates my mind. I invite him in. My muse likes the bee. The bee is good. I am the bee. I fly.

Where's my here?

It's gonna be so much better once we get there. When we get there we'll definately be happier. I'll most likely be cooler too. When we get there we can finally start living our lives. That's what I'm excited for. I can't wait to start living my life. Once I can start living my life I'll be totally relaxed. The cool thing about when we get there is I won't have any worries. I can't imagine anything to worry about when you get there.

When I get there I'm going to hang out at the beach every day. I'm gonna surf and you know I'll have that tan that you see on really rich people...or the homeless. But when I get there I'm going to be the super rich tan guy. Plus I'm going to be respected. Everyone has to respect a man who makes it there. I'm going to be a vessel from the heavens above and the angels will be my muse. The most remarkable things will come from my pen to the paper. I can't wait to get there!

The only problem is...there is no there over there. There's only more here over there. The funny thing is, I've already got a lot of here right here. There's here all around me. I'm surrounded by here. I think I'm going to just start living now. I've got so much here right here that it's getting me high.

Here's to here!

The pain is forcing me

I seem to have built a high tolerance to the pain of life. The level that the human body can become uncomfortable before attempting to make a change is staggering. I've seen this level, I've lived it, I do liVe it. I've been so uncomfortable with emotions that the need to make a change has slammed me like a brick to the head. I had to tap out. My current pain is anxiety. Not your normal twists in the stomache which I could have taken for years but signals from the brain that are literally telling my body it's going to die. I can walk this earth for only so long while my body thinks it's dying until I finally have to do something.

The lucky thing for me is that I've become at least a little sophisticated towards the solution. When I was younger and had religion controlling my thought process I was sure that God was punishing me. Actually worse than that I thought that Satan was attacking me. Either way I was being punished. The solution was church, Jesus, and good behavior. I could never keep it up. I asked Jesus to be my savior more than once to make sure I was doing it right. Still the anxiety persisted and I was unable to stay good for too long of a time.

As I got older the anxiety increased as did the stress of life. My brain attempted to find some type of a logical answer. When I would have panic attacks my mind would try to figure out exactly what I was doing, saying or thinking at the time of the attack and then attempt to never do that again. One time I had that song "from a distance" in my head and was singing it when an attack hit me, to this day when I hear that song or even the word "distance" I associate it with a panic attack. I had an attack walking by a tennis court one time and I avoided tennis courts for months. I was walking when I had an attack one time and the attack hit when my heal touched the ground. I tried to not walk with my heel touching the ground after that.

One thing I realized is that my mind wasn't helping. I needed to attack the problem from all fronts. There was no one answer. I've researched the solution and I know it. It's just a lot of work and I've been reluctant to do the work until now. Now I'm in.

Here's what I'm in for as of now:

1. Muscle relaxation technique.

2. Writing everyday.

3. Yoga everyday.

4. Healthy diet.

The muscle relaxation is the latest to be added to the list. The ones that remain to be added are:

1. Meditation

2. Cardio exercise

3. Expressing my feelings

4. Being assertive

There's probably many more to add to the list and many ways I can improve on what I'm already doing. The point is at least I'm working towards it. Life has a way of motivating you with the carrot and the stick. I allways seem to need the stick in order to get me moving but experience has taught me that a little bit of movement can start momentum. Hopefully the momentum will begin to propell my life forward rather than the pain.

Lesson learned: Hard way = No fun...The way of love is work but way more fun in the end.

Who pushed the panic button?

My anxiety disorder is in full gear. Full court press. The pressure will not stop. All night last night I was having the strangest dream and panic would soar through my body. Time after time I would wake up to the body's fight or flight response. All day today. The intensity of the panic attacks is far more than the average man could possibly take. I do beleive if I switched bodies with any of my friends they would be in the psych ward within a day.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea.

What was I doing there?

I used to get to the veteran's hall around 615pm. The show started at 8pm. I would transform the room. You wouldn't recognize it in the day time. I remember being by myself having panic attacks and jut thinking what am I doing here? It was weird almost like I wasn't even doing it. I guess I have an incredible knack for putting one foot in front of the other. It was almost as if I was above watching my body break down chairs. Break down tables, move couches, hang banners, hang applause signs. I'm getting some distance now and feel like I'm coming out of the fog. What the fuck was I doing? I just kept going. Am I a lunatic? I don't know what it was but a little voice just told me to power forward.

Sometimes in life we need to charge forward but always give some time for reflection. Success let's us party and failure gets us to analize. Both are good but we will never know which one to do with no reflection. I'm really ready to start partying. When does the party start? I heard it starts when the worrying stops. What am I doing now? I don't have a game plan. I have ideas and a sense of the direction I want but I'm on another roller coaster. When will I get off?

I don't know that I can.

Reside in the paradox

My computer has crashed. Computer problems are always frustrating. Is God punishing me? If you beleive in God where is the line where his will stops and mine starts. I imagine for some people God's will is everything above the clouds and man's will is everything below. For other people mabey God's will is all the big stuff in life and man's is all the little stuff. Or maybe everything is God's will and this life is nothing more than a roller coaster. A ride with highs and lows that eventually ends but you have no control over.

Or maybe that angry guy smoking cigars at the coffee shop is right and there's no God at all. That's probably the closest to the truth but it's just not a fun one for me. I use all of the first three. In order to get spiritual you've got to reside in the paradox.

#1 fan

Not many people can say this but I have a #1 fan. He won a contest to process that he was the best fan. I reward fans so I gave him a cougar to make out with. The cougar later regreted it and told me about it. It's been uncomfortable around her ever since although I don't think she is upset anymore.

Back to number one fan. I've never heard a negative word come out of his mouth. He is more than cool. When all friends flaked on me for my birthday number one fan was there. And that's more birthdays than one. I'm just writing this because I not only love number one fan but I love the idea of his attitude.

Today 16 years ago

It was before thanksgiving. I was a mess and my head was fucked up worse than usual. In my mind I blew my chance at happiness. My dad died when I was 12 from a heart attack. Everyone told me it was from alcoholism. I had a strong feeling that I was on the same path. My mind was getting increasing worse every time my anxiety disorder kicked in. Religion fucked with my mind. My mom was a worry wart. "It's a dangerous world out there" was her mantra. That sentiment had crept into my being. I didn't see the point in anything. I was completely lost. This was the day of the decision.

They say if there are three frogs on a log and one makes a decision to jump off, how many are left? There's still three. A decision doesn't mean shit unless followed up with an action. That's where I was. On the log with a decision, before thanksgiving. My thought was, "Right after the holidays."

I proceeded to drink with friends and tell them I'm quitting. Holidays came and went. I told too many people it was over. I had to try.

I went up to SF for one last try. Jan 7th. It was a late night, hard alcohol was involved. So was a video camera but I can't tell you where that footage is now. Jan 8th I was still drunk. Weird dreams and cold sweats that night. Jan. 9th, 1995 was my first day sober. 16 years ago today.

In the last 16 years I've gained enlightenment and lost it a few times over. I've had times sober much worse than anything while drinking, but it's because I have to be present. I have to be conscious within a life that doesn't go my way all the time. But I have seen beauty that I believe I would never have seen had I not took this path. Two wonderful little boys and an incredibly amazing and beautiful wife. I also have a soul. I've been given many opportunities to nourish it. Sometimes I've ignored these opportunities and the pain was slow but eventually overriding. Above all I believe I must nourish this soul to be an example to those around me. To be an example that nourishes others.

This is my path today.

16 years no beers!

I stayed up past midnight which I rarely do these days but the time I do I turned 16 years sober when the clock struck 12. 16 years sober and I'm crazier than ever but at the same time more aware than ever. I feel truer than ever in regards to my life's path. These last few years I've done some major course correction. In fact I've torn the house completely down including the foundation and started new. A solid foundation built on what is inside and not on what is out.

I went to a play with my wife in LA tonight and then to a vegan place. My life is good and seems to be getting better. I'm on the right track although I still question that often. Maybe it is the questioning that keeps me there.

Fade the blue

Something guiding something true
Going riding with someone new
I'm not over or met with wonder
Until the sober and awe of thunder
Touch the slow and pain of towns
To make me go where only frowns
Take the tolls and tears of life
That load the coals and pull the strife
So gentle is the sound of moving
That makes this the one I'm proving
I hold to one to inner guides
And then I run to see the tides
When I'm lost to you I'll turn
I know the cost is what I learn
Take me through the cycles long
And fade the blue to get the strong

Two third

I've seen more than what need to know
To cut the core of what's got to go
Everytime I see another trick to trade
There's nothing free from you it's paid
I write the song from a feel inside
I right the wrong with a safe confide
Don't talk your game cause I'm no longer new
All talk's the same you've got a permanent flue
Tonight is going to break the unspoken word
A quarter heart to take and place two third.

Religous control

It starts easy.  It seems normal.  That's how it gets you. It seems logical when your mind is magical.  But when the magical turns rational then the once true turns childish.

But the magic is still there.  It's hidden between the lines.  Read between the lines.  

Obsession can be good

My obsession can be good when it's properly harnessed. I just finished my screenplay!!!!!!!!!!

I've been working on it for the last few months but I've become obsessed in the last few days. I somehow was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I glued myself to the computer for days on end until...I'm done.

I think it's kind of good too.

Life is love if you want it

As messed up as things can get in this world there's twice as much beauty. What do I look for? What and whom do I seek? I'm seeing beauty in a life that previously had none. There's good if you want it. There's signs if you want them. There's laws at work. A system in place. A divine order. All you have to do is plug in. The magic is universal. Pain is universal. But so is love if we want it to be. You can see love in the worst. It's there if you want to see it. And if you do see it and you focus on it it gets bigger. It gets so big that what you thought was once bad is now love.

People are love. Life is love. But only if you want it to be.

Is it odd? Or is it God?

Just when everything seems pointless and random something that seems no less that a hand from the heavens above happens. With a billion possibilities even the unlucky ones seem to have a moment of grace in this life. This is my exerience. I've been living in what feels like he'll for I don't know how long. One day I look up and I see one of life's coincidences.

One that turned me. Everything looks different. I've got new reading glasses and what I'm reading spells change. Change for the better.

Surrender

So much fighting. So much stubborness. So deep runs the need to be right. And with this need to be right comes the need for you to be wrong. I'm at war! The problem is when you're at war there are no real winners. Even if you win you're fucked because war in itself is fucked.

I'm internally at war. I fight with the world but really I fight with myself. Who is this self that I fight with? Evil Duke? Is it evil Duke vs Super Duke? Where's the real Duke? I'm searching for him. This is who I want to surrender to. The peaceful one. The wise one.