You don't know panic attacks!

Ever since the TAL episode came out I've received a fairly good size of responses from people. I seem to be fairly polarizing. I've got a lot of positive responses but I've also got a lot of negative ones too. Here's a comment on my website I received the other day:

Comment: I just got to say Your pretty funny guy. Sorry but only about 1/100 th of the amount of funny required for television success. Cant understand why it took so long for you to see that? Also dude please read up on panic attacks. You haven't a clue as to what a true panic attack is. It is just a bit irritating to hear someone talk about having 1/2 hour or 6 month long panic attacks when I have had REAL panic attacks. You'd probably last about 10 seconds before screaming in horror if you ever were so unfortunate to experience a REAL panic attack. hmm Maybe that is the problem you don't really know that much about people. Probably necessary to be a successful talk show host. Take care.

End of comment

First off I want to say this, I never said that I thought my show was at the level of quality to be on TV. I also never felt that my performance as a talk show host was ever really a level that could compete with the big boys. There's a difference between a) seeing something that is and claiming it to be brilliant and b) having a vision for the potential of something to be brilliant.

I quit my job after the first show. If you watch that first show and judge my actions by what can be seen on youtube you'll think I'm crazy. And with good reason; the first show sucked. But what everyone can see with their eyes is not always the truth. At least it wasn't my truth. What I saw was a vision of something great. The one thing that I wish I could have gotten across on that show was that I don't believe that I ever achieved my vision. I came short.

One of the things I learned is that it's hard to be funny when your not having fun. It's also hard to be funny when you are reading jokes off of a cue card written by someone else who just gave them to you before the show started while you are directing and worrying about cameramen, cast, guests, and audience at the same time. I still do believe I have what it takes. If I had half the support that a real talk show has and I had the chance to just concentrate on being funny I do believe that I have something special. I don't think that my true talent as a host is displayed on my talk show but I do still believe it is within me.

As for panic attacks this gentlemen has know idea that I have been through hell with an anxiety disorder. At age 15 I started to have almost paralyzing panic attacks. Heart palpations, a psycho feeling that something is terribly wrong, followed by thoughts and feelings of terror. I used to stay in my room for weeks at a time. I had to hold on to my moms shoulder to walk. I was ready for the fucking loony bin. I was fucking crazy and fucking scared. I had an MRI, I was checked by all kinds of doctors and psychologists. I would have two or three a day for a week straight and then they would go away for a year or two and then come back. Panic attacks are like the hiccups, when you get one more come and they're hard to stop.

As I grew older I learned ways to deal with this problem. One thing I learned was how to not be so attached to my thoughts. The thoughts were the scariest part of the attack, they made it worse. I learned that exercise and eating right were a big part of it. I learned that meditation was helpful. I learned that direct communication was good so I don't just stuff my feelings.

But the thing is this stuff is ingrained in me and I fall off the wagon. When I first met Lesley I had panic attacks worse than ever before. More frequent and longer. Eventually I had so much practice dealing with them that I learned how to act like they weren't happening at all.

To this day they still haunt me. I just want to say to this person who wrote me the comment that when I say all day long and six months at a time I am not lying. I am not exaggerating. Imagine those terrible real attacks that you have been victim to lasting every few minutes for a day. Imagine them leaving you for a few days only to come back 4 days later. Imagine you so called real attacks not going away. I have lived it. I do live it. So go fuck yourself with your little once in a while "real" panic attack and say something when you've truly experienced hell like I have.

Heaven is for people who are scared of hell; spirituality is for those who have been there.