The appropriate time

I'm that kid. The kid that wants what he wants right now! There's no rationalizing with that kid; he doesn't give a fuck. I'm him, he's me. The kid throws a tantrum and screams. Fuck you for saying no and fuck anyone who stands in my way of what I want now!

That's me. The only problem is I'm naturally quiet; I'm quiet on the outside. Anger is not tolerated in this family. Anger is an emotion I'm not allowed to have. So what do I do? I stuff it. I stay quiet. I stay alone with Ny thoughts. I'm an island. I let no one in. This is my life, the grown version of the kid.

When a kid gets angry he looses it. Kicks, screams, cries. But the 5 minutes later he's happy and seemingly forgets what the big deal is. He got all the bad emotion out of him. But as we train this kid to live in society he learns to shove down those emotions until no one can see any of them. Good boy. This is me the good boy.

The problem is I'm so good it fucked me up. There was too much too stuff. Dad leaving at 5 and then then dying at 12. Mom crying to a fourth grader about how hard life is. Her search for father figures for me. My search for father figures for me. Stuff it down. Don't feel, don't express.

Now I have kids. Now I'm the father. My oldest kid is 6 so I beat the record for staying with the family. Now I just have to live passed age 12 and I'm on top!

What happens after years of stuffing these things down? All I can say is that everything comes around. Deal with it now. Most of my problems come from the inability to do or say the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. As a result I deal with life at innapropriate times.

At least today I honestly want to face things.