Church

I'm in my hotel in Springdale Arkansas, day 6. I have that lonely feeling accompanied with light anxiety, covered with the usual, "What are you doing with your life?" feeling.

I'm behind schedule once again. Behind on what I'm not so sure.

I believe in the Spirit of the Universe. I believe in the laws of nature. I believe in realities beyond the one I'm seeing. I believe if you do certain things then certain things happen. I believe in stuff I can't explain. I believe I sound crazy.

I believe in the search. I believe in the search for God. The people who are searching for God are the one's who are cool. The people searching for the answers are the one's I want to hang with. The people who have found the answers (or accepted their parents spoon fed message without question) are the one's that frighten me.

This religious shit can fuck you up. It took me years to un-brainwash myself and I'm still plenty brain washed.

I've lived with a strange sense that I've been sleeping for most of my life. I've seen myself go through the motions but I'm not really alive. I think spirituality could mean being alive. Being awake. This is why I find it so important to follow your passion and do what your heart tells you to do, because that is when you feel alive.

I'm still searching for what I'm good at.

What are my assets? (This is all stream of conscious writing so fuck you if you think it's incoherent!)

OK...what was I saying? Oh yeah, what are my assets?

I'm good at speaking in front of people. (But only if I have something to say)

I seem to be good at getting people together (But only if I have something good to say)

I can be funny in front of people

I can obsess on something (This could be good or bad)

I'm a good leader

I can write songs

I can talk to people from all walks of life's (From artists to suits)

What to do with these talents?

1. Ignore your talents, push them deep inside of you, and try to focus on the teachings of the church.

or

2. Half ignore and half acknowledge your spiritual emptiness and live your life behind schedule while sleeping it away

or

3. Shake yourself awake at every corner and decide to become the searcher today.

OK I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about but it kind of makes sense to me and that's who I'm writing for write now.

Wake up and search. Search for the deeper truth. Who knows maybe a vocation of some type will make itself available to me while I'm searching.