God silence

I first became intrigued with the idea of silence when I studied John Cage in school. Cage was fascinated with silence. He was on a quest to experience true silence. The only problem he kept running into was whenever he purposely got quiet there were still sounds from things in this world beyond his control. His musical composition which Cage is most famous for is 4:33. Four minutes and thirty three seconds. This composition can be played with any instrument in any ensemble.

The music is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of nothing. Of silence. What we get is not silence though. Sounds from the audience, the street outside, the theater walls give the true performance. Whatever is heard during this period of "silence" becomes the musical piece.

Cage discovered that even when he tried to be silent there was no silence. He researched the science and went to the only true sound proof room which was located at NASA. We somehow finagled his way in to finally experience true silence.

What happened? Was John Cage one of the only humans to experience true silence?

No.

What happened in the most silent room in the world was he could hear the blood rushing through his veins. You turn off all the sound in the world and still your body is making noises. Cages conclusion was: there is no such thing as silence.

Whenever people talk about silence I always want to tell them that John Cage says there is no such thing as silence. It's my need to be right. Sometimes when you have the need to be right you cut yourself off from learning anything new. And once you stop growing you start dying.

So maybe we could stop thinking about Cage for a second and ask ourselves what does silence mean in the context of spirituality?

Is God silent? I try to speak with him but with no direct communication. Is God passive aggressive? They say to respect God's clock. You have to wait.

What if God is the silence. I'm totally rambling right now.

In mediation we get quiet. Why? To get beyond our thoughts. To get beyond our brains. To get to a place of higher awareness. The more time we spend in this silence the more we bring calm and wisdom to our real life. We are borrow wisdom from the silence.

Who's gonna take time to get quiet? Some nerd who has nothing better to do. Actually nerd think too much but maybe someone will think his way into not thinking so he can think better when he does think.

Make sense?

Get silent.

Wisdom and giving

I remember the character Saul from the bible. God asks him what he wants and he says "wisdom". Apparently wisdom is the greatest thing to ask for, it creates prosperity and peace. It gives you answers that allows you to rest assured with yourself and your place in the world.

I like wisdom. I like little truths that guide us in life. Maybe I'm writing this now because I am in search of some guidance.

Depression can't hit a moving target.

You've got to get rid of the "maybes" and "I don't knows" to make room for the "Fuck yeahs!"

I like the Tae Te Ching which I have been told translates into "The way". It's basically saying this is how life works. The book is giving you truth. Sometimes truth is hard to understand.

I like the art of war. More truth here. If you do this then that will happen.

Isn't that all we want? I want to know exactly what I have to do to get "that" to happen. Sop what's "that"?

Money, sex, free time to surf, to hang out with my friends, to create. What gives someone authenticity? That's what I want. I want authenticity.

That's what I'm running from. The fake, the untrue, the lie. How do you escape the fake when the entire world you live in is fake? How do you discover truth when truth is undiscoverable? How do you escape the lie when your world is a lie?

I'm trying but I seem to be running in circles. There's something wrong with the system. There's a chink in the armor and if you examine it everything comes apart.

I'm coming apart. Can I be put together again?

What is the desire to give wisdom? I daydream of the day when I speak to people of the path. The day I own the wisdom and am able to share it. I'm searching for this wisdom which I wish to give away. Is this wisdom enlightenment. I want it. I'm on a quest towards enlightenment and the lights seem to be turned off.

Here's to the search for light.

Is it lost faith?

I'm lost. I'm a wanderer with chronic anxiety drowning in a sea of confusion while burning my stomach with turmoil accompanied by a shame filled head of regret. This is life.

I was like this before. I am back; I'm at square one. What happened? Had I not built a solid foundation upon which to build my home of contentedness? Apparently not because the walls of perception have begun to unravel all around me.

It is true I have learned much but I am beginning to realize why they say that youth is wasted on the young. In junior high I used to indulge in the fantasy of going back in time. If only I could go back to the age of 10 knowing all that I knew at age 14. I would go back and talk longer on the phone with my girlfriend; I would go for the kiss. I would do my homework. I would practice my saxophone. I would've started playing guitar. But most importantly I would tell my Dad I loved him. He died when I was twelve.

I would tell him that I've seen the future. I would save his life.

When I was 15 I wanted to go back to 14. I wouldn't of dumped my 8th grade girlfriend at the beginning of summer for all the chicks I was going to score.

This goes on and on all the way to age 37 right now.

Panic attacks at 37! Since I was 15; It's been fucking 22 years! 22 years of living in a different plane. The plane of fears and irrational thoughts of death. When does it stop? I used to think that I could find the one answer. I kind of did find the one answer; it was "there is no one answer, but a full spectrum of simultaneous multiple answers." I used to be much smarter and more creative than I am today. Today I'm tired.

This shouldn't make sense to anyone but my foundation was faulty. Maybe it was meant to get me this far, but now it's time for a complete remodel. I feel like God has cut my head open and started to rip out the wires. I'm being re-wired. At least I hope I am, if not I'm slowly sliding into hell. Hopefully instead I'm being pressured into a diamond.

I'm trying to save my soul and I waited too long. Sometimes late is better than never but it definitely hurts more.

Money

The stuff that makes life worth living right? Until you get it, then you tell everyone that it doesn't matter that much. Then you kill yourself.

Let's do this!

I want boat loads. Is that so bad? I'm too fucked up from TV and growing up in south Orange County. I've tasted the apple. Once you've tasted the apple you really are fucked. There's no eden after the apple. Is that when you grow up? You taste the apple and you get thrown into the harsh world. The world of disappointment, crushed dreams, pain and all the other fun stuff that comes along with breathing.

I can't speak from experience so I will speak from ignorance. Confident ignorance, that's the way you speak in America. Ok, so with all the confident ignorance within my being I say Life is better with money (Period).

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Gods of the universe listen to my plea, I wish to learn the lesson that life is not better with more money than anyone in the world has.

Teach me Universe. I double dog dare you!

Let's eat till it hurts!

My favorite quick fix, eating. Thanksgiving is when you eat till you might throw up, that's what's expected. I do what's expected when it means that I can check out. If I can somehow turn this mind off with a feeling so wonderful that food can give me, I eat. I was told to join the clean plate club. I'm a member. When I was a kid I'd eat anything. I remember my best friends mom complaining to her son, "Why can't you be more like Duke? He eats what ever is put in front of him."

I tried the God thing but it's not as quick as homemade apple pie with whipped cream and ice cream. God wants delayed gratification, pie just wants you to open your mouth and do nothing more than enjoy.

I'm also very vain. I want to look good. It sucks being vain and fat at the same time; it's like having good taste and being poor. If you're vain and you like to eat then you are most likely familiar with fasting, dieting, weight watcher-ing and all the other crap we do to look good. I've familiarized my self with techniques designed to tame the beast; I've starved that mother fucker and he was not pleased!

I went 10 months with no sugar or flour. I considered the mexican pizza from taco bell to be a corn tortilla (you've got to cheat a little if you are going to eat to be skinny). 10 months the beast resided dormant within my gut, but he was hungry. We were invited to a wedding in Tiburon; we took the fairy. Waiting for the fairy I said,"fuck it!" These are the two words before any relapse. I didn't care, I was hungry and I looked like an underwear model.

I started with the large clam chowder in a large bread bowl. The bread was so good when it touched the lips! I ate every bit of it. The fairy came and I had cokes and candy during the trip. Once at the wedding I proceeded to eat for the next three hours straight. I was hungry.

While waiting for our fairy I thought I was going to be sick. I went to the bathroom. I sat on toilet and my entire body turned white and cold sweat poured down my forehead. This is what happens when the body thinks it's dying. "Please God don't let me puke, please don't let me puke." I'm very religious when I'm in a jam. My stomach was rapidly reaching the boiling point, I beyond the point of no return something was going to happen. "Please God!"

Diarrhea and puke at the same time with cold sweats. Lesley's banging on the door telling me we're going to miss the fairy and I'm narrowly escaping death. I felt much better after. We took a cab home and I slept like a baby.

I was off the wagon and food was once again my close companion and off I went on one more journey to fatdom.

What's the point?

Happy Thanksgiving. Woke up with an incredible headache and serious thoughts of vomiting. This was followed by a nonstop chatter from a three year old about his upcoming birthday. "Dad's sick. Go down stairs and play the wii."

"Is this how it's gonna be today?" I thought to myself.

I told Lesley that I was PMS'ing really bad and she gave me some midol.

Lesley cooked some eggs and hash browns for the family and I chugged down a cup of coffee. I'm feeling a little better. Lesley leaves for yoga.

I'm stuck with the kids in the house for what I think is going to be hours of stir craziness. Lesley texts me that there's a crazy 6K run with a ton of people in costumes. I get the kids dressed and we head out on an adventure to the harbor.

Thousands of people scare my oldest but I talk him into moving down into the sea of people. We watch Lesley's yoga class through the window and then head to the race. I run into an old friend from high school with his kids, wife and parents. I run the race with the kids. They're stoked.

I'm feeling better. Awesome coincidences of the universe and good time spent with the kids have changed my attitude. That's the only point I really worth thinking about. My attitude. It's all I have control over and it feels best when I'm thankful.

That's the point.

jealousy & envy

I woke up to a terrible dream this morning. I won't bore you with the details but I walked over to my wife to hold her and my old friend grabbed her and started making out with her. I then realized that we were no longer together and she was with this other man. My blood fumed with jealousy and I immediately woke up. The dream really shook me up. My stomach was in knots.

Like Jonh Lennon, I guess I'm just a jealous guy. I love my wife. She's beautiful. She's very smart and she's got a great sense of humor. Of course I've taught her a lot about humor, but still she's very funny. And she's fun. She's fun to be with. She's easy to hang with.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

The point is don't fuck with my woman. I'm the only one that fucks with my woman. I'm married to her so the fucking is part of the deal.

I grew up playing music and wanted to do it for the rest of my life...blah blah blah...boring boring boring. I stopped playing music...blah blah blah...tears and sadness...boring boring boring. After giving up the dream to play music I stopped listening to music. I didn't want to see bands play live. I'm a jealous and envious guy. I knew in my heart that I should be the one on stage. It wasn't and the universe was off kilter because of it. At least my universe, but come on what other universe is there? For all I know, you guys could be holograms sent down from the mothership trying to trick me. I sure would feel stupid getting tricked by a hologram.

Rich people too. Fuck you rich people!!! That's exactly how I feel...until I get rich then I'm totally cool with rich people. But If I don't then fuck those guys.

I'm envious. I want what you have. I want it all. I want the love and the money. If I can't have it then I'll die from cancer that I get from being jealous and full of self pity and envy.