Atheists are so trendy right now

I see the trend of atheism upon us. Bill Maher, Adam Carolla, Paul F. Tompkins and all the other cool kids are coming out of the closet. They are standing on the mountain top and proclaiming: "There is no God!"

The cool thing about the little atheist movement that seems to be getting some steam, is that they are pointing out how ridiculous religions are.

So you have an imaginary friend in the sky who talks to you? OK, fine by me just don't start killing people because of it. Don't start telling me what to do because of it. Just get out of my life. I think that's the big gripe. Religion is causing too much damage. When you have an organization that is raping children and then covering it up, it's not OK. Eventually the lid is going to blow wide open. When you have people flying airplanes into our buildings in the name of God then maybe it's time to re think this whole God business. When preachers are becoming so rich and powerful that they can hold down the minorities in our society then we have a problem. When children are corrupted with the idea that they are going to burn in hell if they have sex or even masturbate then let's step back and maybe start to question what's going on.

Religious people do not like to be questioned. If you start to poke fun at religion to a religious person they will attack you. Why do they attack? If they already know the truth then why are they attacking me for questioning it? If someone tells me that 2 plus 2 equals 6 I don't attack them. I don't get offended. I know the answer is 4.

Religious people are scared that they are wrong on some level and this is why they attack you. They're scared that they are wrong but they want to be a good little boy. "Mom and Dad told me this stuff so I have to go along with it. I'm a good boy. I'm following the rules." Many people just want to follow the rules. They don't want to stick out from the crowd they want to do what's expected from them and get an ata boy from Dad.

But then they see someone else having fun. "Why does that guy get to have fun?" they say. "Why doesn't he have to follow the rules?" "Why is he getting away with it?"

They don't want to see you getting away with something. Not after all the sacrifice they've done. Plus they're scared that they might be wrong. They hate rational questioning.

Denial is powerful. Denial can be good. It can be warm. Denial is like a warm blanket.

The truth is, no one knows what happens when you die. It's scary. I don't want to die (at least most of the time). I want to hang out, have sex and eat pizza. I don't want to spend my time worrying about dying, I want to relax and enjoy myself.

So we make up some stories to make us feel better.

Now I can have fun.

Wrong.

Someone just stole my Iphone.

OK, so we make up some more stories about what happens to you when you die if you steal an Iphone, and it's not good.

OK, now I have my warm blanket of denial on. It feels pretty good. Until that asshole comedian rips off my warm blanket. Of course I'm going to get mad. You get mad when someone wakes you up to early in the morning. You would get even madder if someone through cold water on you in the morning.

We like our sleep. I love to check out. This life is painful and as much as we are scared to die we are also scared to live.

We wear a blanket.

Being around people is fun. It can bring happiness. People have a need to be around people. Church and religion gives us this. It's called fellowship. It feels good to hang out with people. It feels good to know you are a part of a community that would help you if you needed it. It feels good to help someone else who needs it.

I wonder if some atheists are throwing the baby out with the bath water? There are good things about religion. There are certain truths or wisdom that can lead us in life. The problem is all the bullshit.

How do we get rid of all the bullshit and keep the good stuff?

If you are going to pull someone's blanket of denial off of them then you should have something better to replace it with. That's great if you can see all of the problems crystal clear, but if you don't come to the table with any solutions then you're really not that cool.

Phil Jackson says that he has to give 5 compliments for every criticism to get his players to perform effectively. Maybe we need to pull out 5 strengths of religion before we take down to bad parts.

The bad parts aren't that many in number they are just very huge in size.

Let's give up the whole I'm right and you're wrong. The killing. The judging. The hurting others. The pushing my religion onto you. Hurting children. The shame and the guilt about sex or any other natural human being experience.

If your religion is so good, how about you just practice it and when I see how happy you are I'll ask you what the secret is. Other than that shut up about it.

Hey religious people, be an example of your own belief. That's it.

Hey Atheists, find some strengths before you rip down the weaknesses.

Stand Up Comedy

So you think you're funny? You're not, you stupid fuck. Go home. Go home and cry.

OK, so you're done crying. You want to be a comic? Be in heavy denial. Be in denial and think you are funny when the crowd doesn't laugh. Or just go home and cry. The fact is you have to go through a lot of pain to be good. If you are going to be really good you probably go through more pain because you are a sensitive person. If you are not sensitive then you can go through the motions quicker and get some laughs quicker because you have a certain amount of fake confidence. But fuck you, you sound like that other guy.

It takes a true man to come out and be different. March to his own drum.

I don't really know what I'm talking about right now.

Go to an open mic. Don't tell anyone that you want to be a comic. Don't invite anyone to your shows for at least a year.

Go to an open mic and bomb. Feel like shit, consider suicide, question life and then get up the next week and do it again.

Make friends that are open mic guys. Meet people.

Listen to your act. What was funny? What did people laugh at? Do that again. Drop or rework what they didn't laugh at. Write every day even if you don't know what to write. Work the muscle. Fucking break through the pain wall, just like Arnold.

Make more friends.

Come up with 7 and a half strong minutes.

Then write an additional 7 and a half minutes.

You need 7 of these 7 and a half sets to be a headliner. Comedy is about the hour. Get an hour of comedy, that's the goal.

Write you stupid son of a bitch.

Write, write, write and then fucking perform and then rewrite.

Get obsessed. Listen to comedy podcasts. Get addicted to comedy podcasts.

Listen to great comics. Listen to more great comics. Immerse yourself with comedy.

Write more jokes. Listen and observe your world. Play out.

It's a marathon not a sprint.

Write some more.

Become comedy. You are comedy. Your life is a joke. This is all one big joke. You only see a joke. Live it. Say goodbye to sanity. Everything is on the table.

Get passionate for life. Live life to the fullest. When you live life to the fullest you take risks. When you take risks you put yourself on the line. When you put yourself on the line you get hurt. When you get hurt bad enough you make comedy.

Get hurt. Feel the pain. Experience the life. Walk through life awake and pay the price for doing so.

Laugh.

Write.

Stand up.

Depression

This was the word that came to me at 6am. I just did some yoga and I feel a little better right now. I heard that depression has a hard time hitting a moving target.

Was listening to the Al Madrigal interview on the Comedy and Everything Else podcast. Al was complaining about doing stand up. It's hard to do the road. He's got kids at home. His career isn't as far along as it should be. What's the reason to care? He cares too much.

Jimmy said that it sounded like Al was in the first phase of depression.

I guess I was depressed as a kid. That was my constant question through high school, what does anything matter? I could never understand the reason why people liked to watch sports so much. Who gives a fuck. I could never get myself to care.

Then I find myself in some midlife crisis, starting a talk show, yet feeling tied down to a wife and kids and then just falling deeper in the hole.

OK so depression has a tough time hitting a moving target. So I just did yoga and before that I cleaned up the house. Keep moving.

My fingers are moving now.

What comes out is not my problem. All I need to be concerned with is that my fingers are moving.

Stream

My inner workings of a life. My inner mind of a demon. My intuition is stuffed down like a pillow to the face and my depression is trying to suffocate any light. Open my eyes and I'm dreaming in. I'm focused on nothing. I'm clear around nothing and this is the place of ghosts. The place where I'm frightened to go is the place downstairs. Keep the light on in the hallway. Keep talking to me. I know the book by heart. Before you hit me can I tell you something? I love you. Fuck. I'm sick. My friends are here and fun is abound. I don't want to go to sleep. Let's stay up all night. Frightened by the killing film? I'm not. You're a dork.

Why would I publish such a thing? I'm going for 90 days. After 90 maybe I will feel better.

I have nothing to say. I'm saying nothing loud.

Fuck off and stop reading this as I publish it to the world. Deep down is the sickness deep down is the truth that no one can ever see not even me. It's too real.

Cry yourself to sleep and then never cry again. Repeat this for generations. Am I an animal? Is this the reasoning for my lack of I don't know. Calling myself phony. Calling myself leader. All names can die. Clean it away. Get rid of everything. Throw it all away it has no use for you.

OK enough with the depression. ok more depression.

What does that fucked up voice in my head say? (I'm just giving him some time)

Fuck you Duke. Stab yourself Duke. You suck Duke. People think you are a phony. You are one of those guys that just wants to become famous. So much so that you turn people off. You want to take short cuts. You want to ride the coattails of people on their way up. You can't do it on your own so you want to piggyback. You are not real. You are not a real number one fan. You just want a free ride. You are a fake. You have no talent. You are a fraud. You are a fake. What are you doing? You are ridiculous. You are a thief. A lier. Selfish. A joke. Stupid. Old. Your life is wasted. Fuck you. Why try? You will fail. You are a failure. Your entire life proves that you are a failure. You're fat. You don't have what it takes to do anything you think you can do. You just can't do it. Fuck off.

OK enough of that.

I can do some stuff. I can write and do yoga everyday for over 40 days. I can do stand up each week. I can write every morning. I can play with my kids. I can make them laugh. I can have fun with my wife. She is beautiful. My children are beautiful. And they are both really funny. I love my family. I can help my son with his homework. I can read stories. I can go swimming, on bike rides and walks with my kids. I can make people laugh. I love to laugh. I love to have fun.

Loosing your mind!

This is the topic I gave myself? Loosing my mind? That's what jumped out at me. First thought best thought, right?

I'm getting crazier and crazier. Do I want to keep going down this path or will I make a u-turn and head back towards sanity?

Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck fuck! All work and no play makes jack a dull boy.

The talking in my head gets so loud sometimes that I start talking out loud. I'll start mumbling and then I'll say, "I wish I would stab myself." Is it weird if you think of something stupid you said or did and then your mind starts saying that you should stab yourself? I get this sentence coming at me a lot lately.

The older you get the more suicide seems like an option. I remember thinking how I would never think of such a thing.

Don't worry I don't have any specific plan or real intention to carry this out but the thought does occur to me. It sounds so pathetic too. Thoughts like, "The world would be better off with out me" or "Things are definitely not going to get better it might be a good idea to swerve into oncoming traffic."

Is it so bad to talk about this stuff. It sounds pretty silly now that I'm mentioning it. It's those thoughts that are too frightening to verbalize or write down that can really fuck you over. How many people have dark thoughts that they don't even want to acknowledge to not only other people but even themselves?

"I don't have dark thoughts." They declare in there inner dialogue and they are probably the hardest to judge those that do talk about that kind of thing.

I'm fucked in the stomach right now. Major turmoil. Major artistic crisis. Fuck!!!!!!!!!

My head is restless. I have know idea where I am or where I'm headed. What am I a new school skater. That was the complaint from my mentor about new school skating. Their skate boards go in both directions. They don't have a direction.

I always thought that just because they can go both ways doesn't mean they don't have a direction. The direction is up to the skater. Not what society tells him.

What the fuck am I talking about? What's my direction?

You have to know what you want before you can choose a direction.

A skater picks his move and that determines his direction? Maybe.

What's my move? What move do I think I can pull off. I'm lost in the desert. For forty years. Is my time here almost done. Is there a new reality awaiting me?

I'm talking about one here on this dust ball.

Am I too much of a pussy to admit what I want?

I think I am.

The Fuck Yeahs!

One day in another life I had a spiritual advisor and I was open to advice. I was open to learning something new. I was teachable. I knew nothing and I knew it.

My spiritual advisor didn't like the way I was dressing. I guess I was wearing some thrift store clothes. Pants that were close to being bell bottoms with tares and holes in them.

He came over to my house with big plastic hefty trash bags. He said, "Today we are going to go through your closet."

"These are the rules," he stated, "I will take out an article of clothing and hold it in front of you Duke. I will say,'Do you want to keep this?' and if you say, 'Maybe.' then we throw it out. If you say,'I don't know.' then we throw it out. But if you say,'Fuck yeah!' then we keep it."

Sounded good to me. Like I said, I had an open mind. Sometimes when you have an open mind things happen.

We started.

He grabbed a shirt,"What do you think?"

"I don't know." I said.

He threw the shirt in the trash bag and grabbed a pair of pants,"What about these?"

"I don't know." I managed to say and they headed into the big hefty bag.

He grabbed another shirt. This time it was one that I loved. "Fuck yeah!" I blurted out. We kept that one in the closet.

We did this with all my clothes and by the end a couple hefty trash bags were completely filled.

He explained to me that nature abhors a vacuum. What this means is that nature doesn't want to see an empty space. Nature wants to fill that space.

What I learned is that if the space is already filled then nature can not fill it. If your closet is filled with "Maybes" and "I don't knows" then there is no room for the good stuff.

You have to make room.

You have to get rid of the "maybes" and "I don't knows" to make room for the "fuck yeahs!".

What are you keeping in your life that is a "maybe" or an "I don't know"? Get rid of it for nature to bring you the "fuck yeahs!".

Life lessons with Duke

OK if you are reading this for life lessons you have most likely come to the wrong place. How can a guy who is really down on himself give life lessons? I guess we will have to read on to find out.

OK what life lessons do I have stored up in my head. Too many to remember. Remember this life lesson: You only remember what you remember and the rest you forget. So write shit down.

Alright I'm barely into this thing and already I'm throwing down a gem.

Course correction. Wire balancing.

The fuck yeahs

When you grow the people around you get repulsed.

Blame is a sign to look at the signs.

Don't attach unspoken strings to your relationships. People will let you down.

Ask for help and follow your heart. (What the fuck is that cliche sounding piece of trash?)

Focus on the things you can change and let go of the things you can't.

Find out what you are good at. Do that.

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OK I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm trying to write everyday and I seem to be blocked. Is it possible to be blocked while typing rapidly?

Maybe this is the point. Just write. Just write and something will show itself.

I'm depressed lately. Typical story. (Maybe that's why I want to rack my head for any wisdom that's there so I can figure shit out.) I'm not happy. Something is nagging at me and I don't want to ignore it and then watch years slip by.

Here's a piece of advice: Sometimes in life windows open. Will you step in or not? This is the question. These windows of life don't always stay open for very long and when they close you don't know when the next time they will open is going to be. It could be years. It could be never.

I think that's part of why I kept going strong with my talk show for almost three years because I had been in a 13 year slump when I made a choice to get out of the creative window. I didn't want to go back.

I really relate to that movie awakenings with Robert Dinero, directed by Penny Marshall. That movie didn't get great reviews but it felt like it captured my life. This guy was in a coma state where he couldn't move his body or talk for over 30 years. They gave him a drug and he came to life. He danced. He was a normal person. Unfortunately the drug wore off and he went back to the dormant state. It was sad. I cried.

It was my life.

I've only been alive for brief, fleeting moments. Sometimes a window will come by and when you step through it you feel alive. I didn't want to give that up. I don't want to be dead.

Grown ups tell me that I'm ridiculous. I'm immature. I'm childish. I can't help it. I want to be awake. I want out of the dream. I want the real thing.

Some is not enough. I want it all. I want it now.

No advice here, just another wanderer trying to find his way. Where do I go? I want the signs to be clearer. I want the directions to be louder. I want GPS for life but it doesn't exist.

Maybe she was right. The girl that said you make choices and then the world turns out the way it's going to turn out and you live with that.

I want the feeling that what I am doing is the right thing. I've had glimpses. I know I could feel complete but I just can't get a grasp on it.

No one is there I guess. Everyone who says they are is a guru lier trying to make a buck and get laid. Who isn't trying to do that?

I want to be the best. I want to be adored. OH fuck did I just write that shit. It's true. I want people to look at me with respect.

Who am I some guy joining an inner-city gang or Rodney Dangerfield?

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Blocked or not I did my job. I showed up. Showing up is my biggest asset. It's also my liability. What do you do when your asset is your liability?

Get a job in show business.

IA and girl reunion part VI

We head to my ex-girlfriend's house. She said she was having a party, something inside me knew it probably wasn't a good idea to go but when I'm drunk I love to say, "Fuck it."

We arrive very late. I take out an amplifier to get Evan out of the back of the van. We knock and she answers.

The night before was magical. We reunited with a kiss and a future opportunity seemed like a reality. She invites us in. I think we might have woken her up. The house looked like there was a party there as evidence by all the empty beer cans and band equipment from some band that played the party. I'm in the kitchen talking with her about the party when we hear a girl scream from the bedroom. My ex runs out of the kitchen to see what the problem is.

It turns out that Damon went straight to the bedroom, got naked, and then proceeded to get naked and jump into my ex's roommates bed. This particular girl was a virgin from the catholic college (not that that move would really work on any girl.)

Damon comes running into the kitchen where I am. He sees a purse and reaches into it and grabs out a handful of cash.

"What the fuck are doing?!!" I yell at him. I grab the money from him and at that second my ex-girlfriend comes in the kitchen and sees me with the cash in my hand.

"Get the fuck out of here!" she says in a very not fun way. Then I think she says something along the lines of, "I never want to see you again. I hate you!!!"

She takes the cash from my hand and we leave.

I wake up the next morning crushed. One night the dream I had dreamt for four years came true. In the next night the dream had been smashed. This was the weekend before thanksgiving. This was the moment I decided to quit drinking....right after the holidays.

Within a couple days I had poison oak all over my arms, neck, chest and dick. I was fucked. I went to a party in a turtle neck and passed out on the floor. As people walked over me they pulled back my turtle neck to laugh at the poison oak that surrounded me.

That was the best / worst weekend of my life.