Midnight ramblings

I wanted to talk about how I blame my wife for everything and then come to the conclusion that blaming people for stuff is stupid. And then I was going to have a revelation that whenever you catch yourself blaming someone for something, it's really just the universe telling you that there is a different door for you to walk through. This door is closed for you, so walk through the other one dumb shit.

Now I will do yoga and then go to sleep for a couple hours. I placed second in the preliminary round of laugh down tonight and someone invited me to perform this sunday. Plus some of my new material hit tonight.

Ok, now it's yoga then sleep.

In the bedroom

Have you ever blamed someone for something that went wrong in your life? I tried a stupid hacky joke last night that went, "Stop blaming your friends for your life turning out bad, grow up and be a man, blame your parents." It received a marginal laugh. I'm scratching it.

I have these certain thoughts that I don't express sometimes involving blaming other people. I think when you have these thoughts deep down in the darkness of your psyche they can feel so real. Not expressing them, at least in an honest way, makes them a big deal. This is a little bit of "airing my dirty laundry", but one, no one reads this, and two, discussing something you've never verbalized is dirty laundry that is in need of cleaning. So I'm just going to blurt it out.

I blame my wife for my talk show not working!

OK I already feel like a jerk for even saying that. That's why I keep shit to myself. Now I'm going to attempt to explore why I blame my wife and then at the end I will determine wether or not this thought holds any weight.

My wife is happy when we are making money. That's kind of a general statement, who isn't happy when they're making money? At least in some sense. The fact is my wife has a very high earning potential, at least she did. We met when we were young, she's three years older than me, she graduated high school 4 years before me, and she basically had a head start on me.

Be fore I met my wife, I was dealing with how to clean my room, feed myself and shower everyday right before we met. I was becoming interested in spiritual stuff. I was reading spiritual books and surfing everyday. I'm an all or nothing person. I surfed everyday in San Francisco for over 100 days straight. If I'm going to do something I do it all the way.

I'm a loner by nature. Only child. I can deal with time alone, although I admit I spent a lot of my time focused on loneliness and thinking about how I would be alone forever. The girl of my dreams wanted nothing to do with me yet I still held on to the dream of soul mates for an extra five years after we broke up. Secretly. Except for an expression of feelings through song. Sounds creepy, but I kept all the creepiness in my head.

Through the spiritual journey I had embarked on I was become more aware of myself. I became aware that I had to stop dating someone who wasn't dating me. I wrote her a letter. I told that girl that I couldn't be friends with her. I was in love with her. My heart would beat every time she walked in the room. I couldn't go on pretending that we were friends. I wanted her to be with me.

I had basically pretended to be her friend while secretly in love with her for 5 years. This letter I wrote ended the charade. I remember feeling so fucked up as I wrote it. Driving to the mailbox was fucking huge! I took a picture of me in front of that mailbox that I still have to this day. Putting that letter in that box was the equivalent of Laird Hamilton dropping in on a 40 foot wave. That's what it felt like to me. It felt like jumping out of a helicopter with no parachute.

She wanted to see me. What would she say? Would she go for it? I was fucked up, but I had got this secret out of my head and was doing something about it.

Long story short. She had a boyfriend. It wasn't me. We were never going to be together.

The lesson I learned here was huge, it's hard to find a girlfriend when you're going out with a girl that's not going out with you.

Put in a different way: Nature abhors a vacuum.

What does that mean?

Nature likes to fill up space. If you have open space in your life then nature will take something and put it there. If you have stuff in that space then nature will pass you by.

I had a girl in that space. Nature couldn't give me a girlfriend because I already had one. So, as I just said, I wrote the letter. She said, "no." Something in my psyche changed and I had broken up with the girl not going out with me. I was a free man. The space in my heart for a girlfriend was no longer taken up by that fantasy girl. It was vacant. When it's vacant nature can begin to work.

Here's a long story short. My wife came into my life. We spent every minute together. We moved in together. We got married, we had kids.

Remember how I loved to surf? That lasted for about a second with my wife. I think she came to Santa Cruz with my friend JP and I once for a surf session.

Small tangent. JP was the first friend I made in San Francisco. I was 22 and he was 18 so I felt like I was decades older than him but for some reason we hit it off. I loved hanging out at his parents house in the city because it reminded me of home. And they had a full refrigerator.

JP and I went to a musical that my wife (then girlfriend) was starring in. I had just started dating her. I'll never forget JP leaning over and saying, "Check out that chick, I want to fuck her."

"That's my girlfriend asshole!"

He quickly apologized.

JP and I drifted apart as I became a relationship guy. Years later I heard he died in mexico on a scooter. I didn't make it to the services because I found out late and I didn't rush to get over there. I regret that. I loved him, he had so much spirit. He was young.

OK the tangent is over.

I loved surfing. Every day. I met my girlfriend. The surfing came to an end. I eventually blamed her.

I became a couch potato. We watched TV together. That was our thing. I became numb. At some point I have to take responsibility. It happened to both of us. If you're caught up in that weird rut, with someone else that just wants to become numb, it's on you. I know that now, but I'm just observing the blame my mind wants to put on it.

I always wanted to be in a band. I guess I was always attracted to performing. I couldn't sing. I had drive. My wife could sing. We started a band. I had a never ending drive to become a performer. The unfortunate thing is that my tunnel vision only visualized me accomplishing something if other people did what I wanted them to do. Lesley didn't want to practice. I wanted to force her. She resented me for it. I wanted to put 100% into music. She didn't. I could see greatness in what we had if we put the work in it. She didn't share that vision. It became an unspoken, me walking on eggshells type of thing.

I blamed her for crushing my dreams. She felt my resentment and blame brewing. She said, "I don't want you to have any regrets. If you want to go on tour then do it."

She was basically trying to step out of the way of the blame truck that would inevitably roll her over in the years to come. She wanted to have at least that one piece of ammunition. She wanted to come back at me and say,"I told you to chase your dreams years ago. It's not me that stopped you."

But in my head, there was no chasing the dream without her. She was the missing link to the completion of my dream.

Why didn't I start doing comedy 13 years ago. This is a regret I have now, or at least a voice in my head. I used to speak at meetings back then and people would frequently ask if I was a comedian. When I said no they would say you should be.

Why didn't I listen to the universe? The answer was there. I had no children for years to come. I was in the perfect city to learn how to do comedy. What the fuck! I could have been someone by now. (This is the voice in my head talking.)

So I guess this is a lesson that I'm learning right now as I write. As I blamed my wife for crushing my dreams the universe was directing me towards my dreams. Maybe if I stopped blaming and starting looking around at the signs I could be a happier person.

I feel better already. My new tool (this just in): Stop blaming, and start paying attention to the signs. Follow the signs.

Here's my recreation of history:

I used to blame my wife for not committing to our rock band. I needed her, but she wouldn't come through for me. Because life wasn't working and it felt like I was forcing something that wasn't going to work. I took a step back. I took an inventory of my personal assets and liabilities. I came to realize that if I were to make it in a band I would need someone else's help because I couldn't sing.

I decided that I didn't want to put myself in a position where I would be reliant on anyone else. I began to think about what I was naturally good at. It crossed my mind that I was funny while speaking in front of large groups of people. It also crossed my mind that people were telling me I should be a comedian and I wasn't giving that remark a second thought.

I started to think about comedy. Comedians can say something. They can point out a truth that most people didn't see. I also came to realize that comedians worked on their own. Their success wasn't necessarily dependent on any one person. I started to get excited. It's basically what I was looking for. I wanted to be the lead singer. When you are a comic you are the lead guy. The one everyone is looking at.

I quickly found the nearest open mike and soon was obsessed with comedy. I emerged myself with it. Day and night. I wrote every day. I wrote so much that soon material was just flowing through my pores. I couldn't stop the universal comedy god from whispering in my ear.

I had years of pain as I learned the craft but I was growing. I was learning and I was getting funny. I finally started getting gigs at the comedy club. Real shows! I was becoming respected. I respected myself. I had found something I loved.

The best part of it all is that I thanked my wife everyday for giving me the gift of not pursuing music. I thank my wife every day for giving me the gift of comedy. For allowing me to find a road that would allow me to become successful. I love my wife with all my heart and I encourage her to explore her gifts the same rewarding way that I have.

That's my revisionist history.

--------

I want to do part two tomorrow and do this with the talk show blame. That actually just now worked. I really, while writing this, don't blame her for the band not succeeding.

Until tomorrow, Overandout,

Duke

I'm watching you!

I recently broke my 2 and a half year streak and took a job. It's the perfect job for me, I take pictures of people working to make sure that they're working. A company flies me around the country, puts me up in a hotel room, rents me a car, gives me a camera and says, "Make sure these guys are working."

Sounds like a big brother thing huh? I suppose it is. It's not as bad as it sounds and it's not as "James Bond" as you might imagine. I'm working outside. The workers are all outside. I'm not really sneaking around, the workers know I'm there. Some people with my position are like rent a cops who take their job way too serious. They think they need to be total micromanaging pricks to the people working.

The people I'm watching work, don't have the easiest job. It's 104 degrees out and they're walking from house to house four 10 hours straight. I'm in my car and have A/C. Those rent a cops like to show people who's boss. They want to be the man. They demand respect and the way they demand respect is by belittling people.

Have you ever respected someone more after he made you feel like shit? I can't stand this type of person. The people that think they know everything.

A little tangent. One of my character defects: I can't stand people that are full of shit. People that talk like they know everything about a subject, but you can just smell their bullshit. I hate it when a person starts yapping about something, I know he's completely full of shit, but I can't prove it. I have the memory of an elephant for this shit. I look at them and listen. As I listen I think to myself, "You are so full of shit." But I say nothing. And every word that they say somehow gets saved to the permanent hard drive in my brain.

Now it's a waiting game. Could be a month, a year, five years, it doesn't matter to me but the time will come. There always seems to come a time when the information that I didn't know at that time becomes available to the two of us or time wen the person full of shit has completely forgotten what they were talking about and they start to contradict themselves.

I am the king at this. It's my patience. It's the fact that I don't fight it at the beginning but instead I let them dig their grave by giving me all the ammunition I will ever need to destroy them in the future. And when that day finally arrives I deliver with impeccable timing. I'll say, "But weren't you saying the exact opposite thing the other day?" "Didn't you say with complete conviction something different that one time?"

Basically because I couldn't call them on their shit at the time I wait until I have absolute proof and I say, not in these words, "You are a liar. You are full of shit. I guess you're a complete fraud. Is everything you say completely untrue?"

These people love to bullshit, but they hate to be wrong. They love to put on the facade that "they know everything" and when someone is able to definitely smash that image in a way that is inarguably unmistakable, it just fucks with them in such a way that I apparently can't get enough of it.

I don't know what that says of me, but it probably says that I'm fucked up on an even higher level.

So I don't like to treat people like shit. This is my wrap to the workers and usually they are kind of bummed that I'm there when they first see me. I say, "What's up guys? I'm just here to tell the company that you are doing a great job. I'm going to take some pictures of you guys working and the work you've done so I can report back how great you're doing."

What's so hard about saying that? Phil Jackson says that when coaching he's learned that you need to give 5 compliments for every criticism. If it's all criticism you drive people into the dirt. Let the workers know you're happy with them. Good job. Everyone wants to be appreciated. If something goes wrong let them know, but don't be a dick.

If you are a boss and you're never around and people don't get any feedback on how they're doing, they're going to stop giving a fuck. They're gonna slack. That's why you hire me. But I don't have to be an asshole. If you're motivating people to work let them know you care, that you're working on this too, you're on the same team and then people won't hate you as much. Be present, let people know how they're doing. Let them know you're there and you give a fuck so they don't slack. And then just be cool, don't be a dick. That's how I see things.

So that's what I do. I travel around and take pictures. Then I have the night to myself to do stand up comedy. Right now life is pretty good.

I quit!

My favorite two words. There's something that makes me feel high when I quit a job. It's better than drugs. It's my favorite feeling.

My first job ever; Innocent Addicts relief fund. It was a telemarking scam that I somehow got involved in when I was 17. An Innocent Addict is a baby addicted to drugs in the womb. We make phone calls and ask people to donate, and to save innocent pre-born children. I believe we called straight out of the phone book. I got all my friends from high school to join me. We also were taking donations for "Project Cuddle". Project cuddle was supposedly a program to comfort children during domestic abuse. Let's say dad kicked mom's ass so he's going to jail, but mom is on crack so the kid can't be left with her. It sounds bad but project cuddle is here to the rescue. The sheriff has a stuffed animal to give the kid as they put the child in the cop car. This helps to make everything better.

I remember the big boiler room. It seemed like there was a hundred cubicles with phones in this room. Then there was a room up above for the boss to listen in on all the calls. During the training session a totally random, shady looking, man barged into our training session and started yelling at us. He was telling us that he doesn't want anyone lying to the customers!!

I hadn't thought about lying to the customers until that point.

Long story short this job sucked. We quit and bought beer and got drunk. The company showed up in the paper a little later as a complete fraud, they had stolen millions of dollars from people.

The point is I hate jobs and I love quitting. And I love hanging out with friends and getting drunk.

After that I got a job at the Marriott Towers. This was a high rise building in a retirement community. Really old people. I worked as a waiter, I was 17. I had a big thick bowl cut, I loved the beatles and the bowl cut was my favorite hair cut.

I remember an old man telling me that he wished he had my hair.

-------side-note: I'm really having trouble writing here, for some reason it's a struggle. It's boring. The resistance in my head is fucking with me. OK back to what ever the fuck I was trying to communicate.-------

Our boss was a bitch. Nothing was right. We clocked in and clocked out. I loved smoke breaks. Some cute girls worked there. Drinking before work was fun. The kitchen smelled terrible. My best friend Christian worked with me. I had no drivers license because my license was suspended when I got busted for LSD at age 15. I had to ride with Christian.

We told the boss that we had to be scheduled together. The boss reluctantly did it.

One day after work Christian and I decided to leave through the emergency exit. The alarm went off. We ran to our car. As we left we saw an ambulance and fire truck coming up the street with their sirens. Apparently the building had to be evacuated. We called in sick the next day. The bitch boss lined up all of the staff the following day, We were not there, and chewed everyone out because she knew one of them was responsible.

Christian and I would call in sick together all the time. We said one time that the car broke down so we both couldn't make it. Then we went and drove reckless. That was one of our favorite pass times. "Hey Christian, do you want to go drive reckless?" He would always say yes.

I remember we ditched our SAT prep classes to drive reckless. One of the classic maneuvers was the "Rockford turn". We would find a steep driveway and pull up it. Christian would throw the car in reverse, slam the steering wheel right, make the car do a 180% skid, and then throw it into forward and screech off. Just like the rock ford files.

When I finally got my license I almost killed Christian, Evan, and myself breaking the speed record at the saddleback shortcut. 65 mph. Then I lost control of the vehicle and we went sideways towards the hill, then sideways towards the cliff. We flew right between to huge trees and over the cliff. All you could see were huge weeds as we went down the side of the hill. I thought my life was over, but somehow we drove out with only a flat tire. I told my mom I ran over a nail.

Anyways, I wanted to have the spring break off from work, so I could party. I called in and told the boss my grandma had a heart attack. I couldn't make it for the week. The boss called my mom and asked how my grandma was. I got busted.

Mom, saved my job. I still called in sick. The Boss said, "Duke, we have got you scheduled only one day a week, and you still can't make it. I think it's time we part ways and, you can tell your friend Christian."

It felt great. Almost as good as quitting.

Fuck you critic!!!

Fuck you critic. I was going to write about some type of positive crap that I can't remember at the moment because all I can think about is that son of a bitch that comes to my open mic and doesn't do any comedy but knows everything about it. I see the dude around town and it's not fun for me, maybe for him, but our interactions from my perspective are a little hellish. He gave me a lecture on comedy this morning.

How is it that people who don't do any comedy seem to know so much about it? I actually know because I used to be that way too, but at least I would just talk about the comedians to my friends behind their back. I would never approach a comic and give him advice on what's funny.

The worst is when you get comedy advice from someone whose never made you laugh. Unsolicited advice. In my face!

I'm on a winning streak right now. Duke it's OK, you're a winner.

I've created order in my life. I got rid of a bunch of clutter in my home and the house is now running like a well oiled machine. I'm on top of my game. I feel like the captain and commander of the ship.

Sometimes when you clean up the outsides the insides feel clearer. More energy is available to you and that's been the case for me lately. I've been able to take a step back from the talk show, a step back from crazy people, and I've found a way to generate an income without taking too much out of me. This leaves me with some creative energy. This extra time and creative energy has got me writing. The writing is helping me to get focused.

I love to laugh. I seem to have the ability to make people laugh in a natural way. This is what I want to do, this is the direction I want to head.

I do know this time to keep my eyes open and pay attention to the results. The results of your actions are always important to be aware of. It's these results that give you insight to the course correction that is necessary in your life.

My goal: Be a stand up comic. My immediate goal: get 20 minutes of solid material.

Much easier said than done. They say when you get a person who is hilarious around his friends and you put him on the stage to make people laugh, he lands in the furthest possible place from the one he was at when he was funny.

Here's a story I heard. There was a millipede with a thousand legs who walked beautifully. Someone was admiring his walk and said, "You walk so beautifully, how can you possibly do that with a thousand legs?"

The millipede thought about it. He looked down at his legs. There's so many. He thought, "How do I do this? How do I coordinate each foot? This is impossible." And he began to trip over himself. All of a sudden he found that he couldn't walk at all. He didn't know how to walk. He had too many legs.

Eventually he practiced and practiced and learned how to do it. Now he knew.

Comedy is similar. I don't know how to make people laugh. I just do when I'm in my funny place. I don't even know how to get into my funny place. I have spent over 8 months working on an act. I have maybe 7 minutes of material that I like. I want more. I'm scared because I don't know how I even got the 7.

My only answer is what I hear from every pro comedian, which is "Write and perform."

I have a negative head because I know that I'm the type of person who will commit to something and put his head down and not look up for years. This is why it is important to look up sometimes.

One thing I have learned about myself is that my greatest asset is my ability to just do something and really plow into it even if I don't know what I'm doing. Another thing I've learned is that my greatest liability is to continue plowing into things when I really don't know what I'm doing. I guess I have the ability to do something and suck, which can help me, but sometimes I just keep doing something that sucks and it hurts me.

So I want to do comedy. The advice from the pros is "Write and perform." I'm doing it, fuck it.

What I was trying to say is I've seen people working at comedy for years and they are still terrible. They have a commitment to writing everyday and to performing, for years they've been committed to this.

They suck.

I'm scared of becoming this guy. But I have a small voice in my head that says you are not this guy, just do it. It's basically the voice of procrastination, but hopefully it's that voice that will allow me to be aware of the results.

This brings me to the fucking judgmental prick sitting in the audience not laughing at anyone. I saw him this morning and I said, "That material I was working on was brand new."

The response I wanted, "You know what Duke? Some of those jokes were pretty funny. You might have bombed a certain portion of your set but some of those jokes you really nailed it. I've got to tell you Duke, you've got balls. It takes commitment to sit down and write new stuff everyday and I've got to hand it to you, getting up in front of strangers with never tested material takes some guts. Keep writing, let go of the bad stuff and hold on to the good stuff. If you keep this up you'll have a pretty solid set in no time."

I was working mostly on one liners the other night.

The way it actually went down was, here's me again,"Most of that stuff from the other night was brand new material."

Him, "It was was pretty bad. Everyone that night was pretty bad. The thing is, one liners are terrible. They come from no where and they go no where. I go to that comedy night for my sister. I write a lot of her material. You see I can write a lot of great comedy because I can draw on my life experience which is so rich with material."

Hey critic Fuck you! You don't know anything about comedy and on top of that you're not funny. And you're fat. So go on a diet and let me worry about the comedy, you asshole.

That's the worst because I'm disciplined at the moment. I'm writing everyday. Everyday in the morning the first thing I do is write comedy. Every morning I try to write some jokes. I take out the worst stuff and try it out on some friends on Monday. Then I take out the stuff that didn't work and try the rest on Tuesday. Some of them worked. I'll be able to keep some of it. This is the process.

Then I have Mr. "Know it all" basically telling me I suck.

I guess this is the life of the beginning comic. You have to go through it. Fuck it, I'm going to put my head down and plow forward!

Close the exits / Date Night

More relationship crap. Things can get fucked up. I'm talking about romantic relationships. Things can get to the point where you don't give a fuck, you want out!!! It's too much, you don't know what to do and you want to run.

It feels like you're being strangled. You're being suffocated. A part of you is dying. Maybe a part of you needs to die. I've said this before but there are people who are in long term relationships that are dead men walking. If you stay you die. The answer is you need new life to spring out of the death. Something died but now it's time to let life start a new. A new beginning.

My secret to a long lasting relationship? Don't leave.

It's that simple, close off all the exits. This tool actually works for any type of a relationship. What does closing off the exits mean? It means you are a suicide bomber of relationships. It means that you are jumping out of the plane with no parachute. It means there are no other choices, no other relationships to be had, it means you are committing to be with this person.

What is an exit? An exit is breaking up. "Fuck you bitch, I'm out of here!" You are not going to keep a long lasting relationship, which creates new life, if you talk to someone like that. There can also be exits while you are going out with the person.

Watching TV.

Spending all your time in the garage.

Over working.

Add more here (you get the picture)

Closing off the exits means you are going to stay with this person. If you are going to stay with this person, then you don't have to experience a fear of the other person leaving you every time you get in a fight or have an issue. If you are walking on eggshells every time you want to tell your partner how you feel because you are scared they're going to leave, then you guys haven't closed the exits.

When you close the exits then you can say what you really feel. When you can say what you really feel and the other person listens to you and doesn't leave, then you can grow. When you grow a little bit of your old self dies and new life begins.

So go or grow or co.

No strings attached

One of my favorite sayings used to be,"Free is my favorite price." Unfortunately that other truism "Nothing is free" seems to hold a little more truth. I have another tool in my toolbox called "Fuck the truth", but that's for another day.

I quit my job and started a talk show with no real background in TV, internet, comedy, or show business. In hindsight, not the brightest idea, but I definitely had an experience, some great memories, and even learned some valuable lessons. The lesson I want to discuss now is the "no strings attached lesson."

I didn't have funding to start a talk show so I looked outside of the box. I went through savings and maxed credit cards. These two things obviously caused me headache and turmoil but it was the people in my life, who became contributors, that caused me the most pain.

I borrowed friends cameras, computers, time and anything else that seemed appropriate at the moment. It was great, I was putting on a talk show with a live audience and multiple cameras on a budget of $0. Free right? Wrong.

The worst thing for a a comic is bombing. It feels terrible. Sometimes a comic can see the bombing before the audience does. The audience is there to laugh and have fun. If a joke doesn't fly the comedian is supposed to make a joke about how bad the joke was, maybe make fun of himself or the situation or something going on in the room. Comics get in their own heads and get stuck there sometimes. Maybe something doesn't go over as expected and instead of staying in the moment they start thinking that everyone in the room thinks that the comic isn't funny or doesn't know what they're doing. That's thing about an audience, they need to feel that the comic is in control. If he's in control then they can relax and laugh. But if they smell fear from the comic the audience gets uptight and a little scared and won't laugh.

The problem is when the comic decides, in his head, that the audience doesn't like him before that thought even occurs to the crowd. Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and the comic basically trips over his own dick as the saying goes.

I'm good at getting people to go with me if I'm excited about an idea. I can get so excited and be so persuasive that the most ridiculous idea seems to be something that could maybe happen. I'm so good that people were coming to me and offering to be a part of the show. They wanted to contribute. I felt at one point that I was helping people to grow, and to participate in something creative, and giving them an opportunity to do something they would never really do in their regular live's.

Friends would bring me their cameras to use. Comics were offering to write jokes for the monologue. My best friend offered his computer. He said,"Take it, when you "make it" you can buy me 10 computers." Only one problem, what if I don't make it? Or to phrase that sentence more to my liking, what if I don't make it in your time frame?

I can answer that question. If said best friend feels you are not going to make it on his time frame he will be an asshole to you and threaten to take the computer away from you if you don't do exactly what he wants. My life and identity are wrapped up into the show and my show is in the computer, therefore what I hear is "best friend wants to ruin my life!"

One of the lessons I learned, which I always say, is that it's hard to be funny if you're not having fun. Sounds easy right? Just go have fun. Problem is I wanted the talk show to be great. I talked to editors and got notes, I got notes from fans, and notes from friends. I'm talking about technical notes.

Position the camera here. Why don't you do a typical three camera shoot? Why don't you use wireless mics? Use pickup shots? Don't let the camera man talk. Hit the applause sign less. More applause sign. Don't let the camera man zoom in and out so much. Make sure the curtain isn't wrinkled. The guests couch is too low. The sidekick is too weird. You're wife is too mean. More wife. More sexy boobs. The house band plays too long. There should be more interaction with the house band. The monologue jokes suck. The audience is talking. Don't let guests or cast members talk, if they are not miked or can not be seen on the camera. Or better yet get another camera. Think about all this stuff while you are performing.

Johnny Pemberton, a comic I interviewed on my podcasts says that once any technical malfunction enters into your routine the funny gets completely wiped out.

If I'm focused on accomplishing all these tasks so I can have a great talk show, so I can rule the world, then the fun slowly begins to leave. I need more people to work for me but that's it, it's work. It's not as fun anymore. The magic is gone. But people stay because they want to recapture the magic. But they can't so they get mad. But who can they get mad at? Who's show is this? Duke's. But he gave us some great times. But not anymore, now we will be secretly mad at him. We won't tell him directly but indirectly.

I can sense this so now I'm scared to ask people to do stuff. I'm walking on eggshells. I feel like I owe everyone something.

I borrowed money from the in laws (It was actually my wife, but when you're married it's you too). Now I have to listen to their advice. (What I hear from them is, you're a loser get a job.) My mom babysits and gives us money for preschool. Now I have to listen to her right wing propaganda and how she needs her grandkids in church.

I can't tell cast members how I feel because I'm afraid they'll leave. I can't tell anyone who I am because I'm scared. We all know comics are funny when they don't let anyone know who they are. Not. (Rad "not" joke)

The bottom line is, when you put your hand out there you are allowing people to control you. I'm trying to cut all the strings, we've all got to do it at some point I guess. Maybe it's a part of growing up. See that, quit your job and start a talk show and you get to learn life lessons and grow up a little.

Lesson learned: When you don't have strings you have more fun, when you have more fun you're funny, when you're funny you can achieve success, when you achieve success people want to give you things for free.

So don't take things for free that come with strings, unless you're successful and have enough money to say "fuck you" when the giver pulls the string.

There's something that sounds so good about "fuck you" money, but that's for another day.