Still, months later, hours after, years, days, they have all blended into one. Just one big heap into nothingness and depression. Just one long day of misery. What the fuck is my head telling me? On top of that I have these hours of sublime bliss where it feels like life could never be better. Actually it feels like I've reached light at the end of the tunnel and it will only get better from here on out. But that goes away eventually.
Mid life crisis? Panic disorder? Borderline? Manic depressive?
All of the above sprinkled with egomania and a heavy dose of self centered neurosis.
Why am I going down this negative path? It's beyond insightful. It's beyond self awareness. In fact it probably isn't self awareness at all. Just because I keep thinking that I'm fucked isn't helping anyone, definitely not me.
I set out on this writing journey because I wanted the Gods to whisper inspiration into my ear. I wanted to make contact with my muse. The problem is I don't think think my course is set for the goddesses in the heavens. I'm hanging out with serious demons. I'm surrounded. Maybe I've been in hell all along. Maybe the only way to the muses is through hell. It's like crossing an ocean. Maybe I'm halfway across the ocean. The ocean of fire. When you're halfway to heaven sailing the fiery oceans of hell there's no reason to turn back. Maybe the middle of hells ocean is the worst it can get. Maybe it will get a little better each time. I'm still sailing even though the winds have not moved my sails very far in that last months. I still move a little every day.
The funny thing is I'm not funny. I set out to meet the goddess muses because I wanted to put together my comedy act. I haven't been able to write anything funny. It's mostly just been about the voices in my head.
Well I'm sure this entry makes no sense to anyone but somehow I feel a little better. I really hope I am in the middle of hells fiery ocean on the way to heaven. That thought makes me feel better because it implies that I have a chance. It implies that there's hope. That people can change their circumstances.
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