A clear Head

Why are my writings like a self help book lately?

I've hit bottom recently. This seems to happen every year or two, the baggage of my life becomes so overwhelming that I have a mental break down, go through a great deal of pain and then do something about it. When I grew up I pretty much learned nothing, at least none of the important stuff. Didn't learn how to eat right, didn't learn how to clean myself properly or take care of my teeth right, didn't learn how to talk with people, how to dress, anything about money or the real world, how to take care of my body, and definitely didn't learn how to get in touch with what was going on inside myself. What I did learn was how to ignore anything that resembled a feeling, how to isolate, and had the ability to turn off my head and watch TV from the morning till I went to bed. Watching TV the entire day is not an exaggeration.

I'm 37 now and I can't hang on to the "Mommy and Daddy didn't teach me anything" excuse. I've learned through people I respect, books, and mentors how to live. I used to think to myself, "I want to eat healthy, but I don't even know how." Or I would think, "I want to get in shape but I have no clue where to start." I've learned these things. Now what's the excuse? It's weird when the excuse is taken away and it still doesn't make a difference.

For me I guess I need pain. The hard way is my way. The soft way doesn't work. (Insert "That's what she said" joke here). Sometimes creative people are the worst procrastinators. I procrastinate but I also do.

This is me: I want to get in shape. OK I'll work out to those P90X videos (90 days to a beach body). I've done it twice. Each time I was in the best shape of my life at the end of the 90 days. I just can't keep the momentum up. "I have a beach body, that's great! Now let's go eat Krispy Kream".

I have so many things I want to do with my life. So many thoughts swirling around in my head. Every time I remember something I want to do I get a little bad feeling in my stomach because I'm not doing it right now. Then something in the real world tugs me away from the thought like having to pick up the kids from school or pay attention to my wife.

Solution: write everything down. I can't keep all this stuff in my head. I spent hours the other day listening to George Carlin interviews. He said early on someone told him to write everything down and file it. What point is writing something down good for if you can't find it later? I write it down and organize it.

After everything in my head is written down then I can decide what's really important to me and focus on that. One of the things I got out of the book "The Art of War" was that someone who really gets "work" done likes order. Someone who really wants to accomplish stuff needs some level of organization. Avoid drama and create order. Once order is established on the ground level then your head can clear away space for a channel to open for you to do your work. What really needs to be accomplished.

I want to be a comic right now. I think I have something. But I'm also fearful that I don't, but in the back of my mind I know I do. I used to want to be a singer but I knew in the back of my mind that I didn't have the natural ability to pull it off no matter how much work I put into it. I did the work anyways, and didn't get the results. You see terrible comics doing this at open mics. Some of them do the work but it doesn't matter, they don't have the natural talent that it takes and will rise to mediocracy at best.

Now I know that I'm funny but my fear is "Where is the material going to come from? How do I write a joke? I have 6 minutes that I like but where will the rest come from?"

You see people trying out for American Idol and they want it so bad, but it's plain as day to me that they don't have what it takes. Something inside of them is telling them they have what it takes though, what the fuck is this thought? This is my greatest fear, so great that I don't want to mention it because it sounds like those guys on American Idol. Here goes; I have a belief that I have something great in me. I have a belief that I have what it takes to be not just good but great. What the fuck!! This thought is fucking with me. I really have tried to tell it to fuck off, but it's there. Is this thought or embedded belief a result of growing up in America where they say you can do whatever you want? I don't know. It scares me. I don't know how to write my material, this blog certainly isn't funny, but I know that I have moments of magic, on stage, where people really laugh. I don't think those laughs are a lie, but come on, I really only perform at my Tuesday open mic. I want to get out.

Don't know where I'm going other than to say that I have currently wrote stuff down and have created order at the ground level of my life and now I'm attempting take off. This is where I am. I do know from the past about course correction, keeping my eyes open to the signs, and the importance of adapting to change.

By the way Drugstore Cowboy is my favorite movie. It's all about the signs.