First I tried to be a rock star. Then I got sober. Then I got married. Then I sat on the couch and watched TV. Then I tried to be a millionaire. Then I ruined the economy. Then I tried to replace Conan O'brien.
After that plan failed I wrote a movie script and set out to join the feature film makers club. Where am I in the process of movie making?
As I said I have a script. The script is a Bromance, a cheater movie. 30 characters in all but only 6 main characters. The movie has been cast, except for the heavy metal band. I've had two read throughs with the actors.
My first camera man was taking forever to get together with me for the test shots. He didn't have a car. His brother was supposed to go to jail for a few months, which would mean he could use his brother's car. We were really hoping the brother would head off to the slammer but unfortunately for me the camera man's brother's judge was lenient on him and there was no jail time in the sentence.
Then one of my main actors got his 2nd and 3rd drunk driving arrest within a week. He had to go to jail for a few months. Isn't life just like that? The one you need in jail never goes and the one you need out of jail always ends up in the can.
Then there's the matter of my co-star. I wrote the part for my best friend Ryan. And wouldn't you know it, he doesn't want to be a movie star. I asked my surfer friend if he would play the role and he was honored and said yes. We did a read through and all went well. Then he came to his senses and felt it was too much of a time commitment.
Then I offered the part to my wife. It was going to change the movie from a Bromance to a I don't know what. But my wife and I have chemistry. My wife wants to be a star but doesn't want to practice and also doesn't particularly like me directing her. I sensed this.
I thought of my comedian friend from Hollywood and asked him. He read the script and said he's in. After two weeks he said I should do a web series. I said I'm set on making a feature and he said he quits.
Then I hired my wife to play the role again. Once again she started saying that she doesn't want to get in a fight over her not doing a good enough job. We started going to therapy so I figured that at least we could discuss it with the therapist and maybe it will be a good thing.
Then an idea came to me to ask my friend Adam to play the role of Ryan. I asked my other friend David if he felt I should ask Adam to play the role of Ryan. David said no, Adam's too busy. I told Adam that David told me not to ask him to play the part of Ryan and Adam said that's not true, I'll do it. Then I told David to go fuck himself. (Just kidding, kind of.) David has a small part in the movie and maybe he just wanted a bigger part.
So now I have the actors. All I need now is a sound guy, a camera guy, and a producer.
I had a job driving RV's for a relay race from San Francisco to San Diego for challenged athletes. On this trip I met an Italian from Venice named Frederico. Frederico knocked up a girl, who was visiting Italy at the time, and now he's trapped in Orange County with a wife and a baby. Turns out that Frederico has some experience behind the camera. He used to take tasteful nude pictures of women until his wife put a stop to that. After some prying I learned that it's his dream to make a movie. His favorite actress is Julia Roberts. That's not exactly what I had in mind but the sound of having an Italian cinematographer trumps everything.
I have a drunk friend who's a musician. This guy knows audio. He's living off unemployment so he already has his base income taken care of. He also lives with his mom, who wants him out of the house. Working on a movie gives him just that opportunity.
Now all I have to do is practice with the actors, coordinate schedules, get money from my rich friends for a couple sound cards, external hard drives, a steadicam, and some meal money, storyboard the film, and start filming.
That sounds easy enough. Right?
That's where I am now, I'll try to keep you posted.
Duke
