Two things I learned today

I learned two things from the  WTF podcast today and I decided to write them down here in the hopes of keeping the lessons with me longer.  The first thing was a little spiritual life truth and the second was what seemed to be a direct piece of advice to me about stand up comedy.

The spiritual life truth: The meaning of life is nothing.  There is no meaning to this life.  The only one who gives this life meaning are people and most people go with a negative meaning.  It's just kind of cool to have another angle to look at things.  I really like perspective.  I'm the only one who gives life meaning.  Is my meaning "this sucks"?  Or will I choose something different?  I guess it depends on the day.  Or maybe even the time of day.  Right now I choose my meaning of life to see wonderment in this world and share it with my family and people around me.

The second thing I learned was a piece of comic insight that spoke directly to me.  The comedian talking had been doing comedy for many years, he had figured out how to make people laugh.  He had figured out how to be funny (which every comedian should definitely learn).  The only problem was he wasn't being himself, he was being cheesy.  He was pretending to be a happy guy when he wasn't.  One day he said "fuck it" and came up with a 3 minute rant on how pissed off he was at life.  The crowd cheered and gave a standing ovation, they went wild.  The problem was he only had 3 minutes.  After that he jumped back into his nice guy persona and the crowd gave him 7 minutes of silence.  They could see he was lying to them.

This comedian knew he was on to something so he continued to dive further into the darkness that was his truth.  This is when a new problem arose.  He would just come out and say something like' "So do guys know what it's like when your Mom is in an insane asylum?"  The crowd didn't know what to make of him.  Was he serious?  Or was he just making up weird shit?  The comic learned that he could just jump into crazy shit like that.  He had to properly set up the jokes so everyone knew where he was coming from.  He had to start slow.  He had to lube up the audience.  Then he found he could take them there.

I remember when I was learning sales in the mortgage industry one of my sales coaches said to me, "You can't just ask a girl out on a date and then immediately pull her panties down and stick your penis in her.  You have to wine and dine a girl, then you take her home and pull her pants down and stick your penis in her." 

This is the lesson I need to take away for my comedy.  I'm a weird guy, and very strange stuff happens to me and I do very strange stuff.  Very unbelievable stuff.  I can't just expect the audience to be with me from the start.  I must take them on a journey.  I can't stick my penis in the audience right when I get on stage, I need to wine and dine them before I do that.

Move back

The hair is a concern
No respect will you earn
The shirt is a wreck
And your mouth is like heck
Your brain is a mess
Immediately confess
Sins fill your soul
Satan fills that hole
Fight for the notes
Wear corduroy coats
Run from those friends
Where trouble never ends
Open up your eyes
See nothing but lies
Smiles turn to hell
No sounds when you yell
Now nothing has weight
From the previous state
You've fallen down hill
Running only from still
Yet this is the gate
To the friendly fate
The one that does learn
Away from the burn
Backing does prove
Indeed a good move

sour taste

Laughs were had
Goodbye to sad
It's your eyes
deep like skies
turn to me
the blinding sea
reach to mine
act unkind
it doesn't work
don't be a jerk
just let your hands
walk the stands
don't be the take
create with make
sour taste
can embrace

The I likes

Story time again. The kids are bathed and in bed.

Here we go.

There was a boy who loved toys. His name was Bonky. Bonky is a funny name but that's the name his Mommy and Daddy gave him. His Mommy and Daddy loved him a lot. They loved him so much that they kept buying him toys and also wii games. Bonky screams out loud,"I love game cube! And I can play game cube games on my Wii."

"That's nice Bonky" said his mom.

Bonky had toys in his room. His Mommy put shelves by the wall just for toys. His Dad bought a big Thomas the train chest just for toys. Bonky put his toys on the shelves but when the shelves were too full he put toys in the chest. Pretty soon the chest of toys was filled to the top. Then he tried to put toys in the closet but there was no room.

"There's no room in the closet because that's where all your costumes are," Bonky's Mom said.

When Bonky opened the closet all his costumes fell out. Bonky closed the closet and put toys under his bed. Then toys started coming out under his bed. Pretty soon there were toys all across Bonky's floor. There were toys everywhere.

Bonky's Mom and Dad gave him outside toys too but pretty soon you couldn't even go outside because it was all toys. There were so many toys you couldn't even walk out there.

When Bonky went to sleep he had a dream that there were so many toys in his home that his house blew up. Bonky woke up scared but he was happy when he realized he was safe in his bed. He went to go sleep the rest of the night with Mommy and Daddy.

In the morning Bonky said,"I think I have too many toys. I don't even like all my toys and the ones I like I can't even find!"

Bonky's Dad said,"I think I can help," and he walked with Bonky to his room. "Bonky, I'm going to hold each toy in front of you and you tell me if you like it or not." His Dad would take a toy and show it to Bonky,"Do you like this one?"

"Yes I really like this one," Bonky said. And Dad would keep it.

Then his Dad said,"Do you like this one?"

And Bonky said,"I don't know." and his Dad put it in a pile to give away.

Then his Dad said,"What about this?"

"Um Maybe."

His Dad put that in the pile to give away too."

By the end Bonky had a clean room and only toys that he liked. Bonky learned that you need to get rid of the "I don't knows" and the "Maybes" to make room for the "I likes".

The end.

Hangry monster

I'm going to attempt to write an original kids story as I sit in my kids room and tell it to them live.

Me: I'm gonna tell you guys a story.

Kid 1: Ok so we have to use our imaginations?

Kid 2: Is it going to be that batman story?

Me: I'm going to make it up now.

Once upon a time there was a really mean monster. His name was Baddad. He liked to get angry when things didn't go his way. Baddad would yell and scare people. If they walked in front of him he would yell,"Get out of my way sucker!". And they would get out of his way.

He liked to use bad words, like the S word "stupid" and the H word "hate". His heart was full of hate.

Then one day he met a princess and her heart was full of love. He said,"Hey princess why don't you get out of my face?!"

The princess wasn't scared of the monster. She said,"I'm not scared of you monster."

And the monster said,"You better be scared of me cause I'll kick your princess butt!"

The princess said,"You can't kick my butt because I'm a beautiful princess. And I have a beautiful butt because everything about a princess is beautiful and you can't kick things that are beautiful."

The monster said,"You think you're a pretty cool princess don't you?"

She said,"I am the coolest princess of the land. I don't think you're that mean of a monster."

And then the monster said,"If you don't know me by now you will never never know me."

The princess said,"I think you're hungry and that's why you're so angry, you're hangry. Would you like some food?"

"Ok I would like some pizza please."

The princess smiled and said,"How about a slice of veggie?"

The monster accepted the pizza and ate it all up. "I feel a lot better now princess, I'm not even mad any more."

The princess smiled again and said,"Sometimes when you're mad you should eat something because maybe you were hungry."

"Thank you for the pizza princess. Can I have a hug?" the monster said.

The princess gave the monster a big hug and they became best friends.

The end.

The irony of fuck it

I take life too seriously sometimes. I definitely let myself get worked up by things that don't make a difference. Sometimes I trip out on how much of my life I put weight on things that won't mean shit to me when I'm on my deathbed.

My mom really made me start to think about this. She has a lot of nice things. She really likes nices things, they're very important to her. Keeping these nice things nice is very high on her priority list. Building a loving relationship with her son? Not so much. She's worked her whole life to have nice things. She deserves nice things in her life! Don't fuck with her things.

She's in her 70's and I think about what she chooses to focus her energy towards. Things and what people think. When she's on her deathbed will she be so happy that she was able to keep her hardwood floor pristine? Will she be glad she worked so many hours at those jobs where the bosses didn't give a fuck about her?

The worst realization you can get when you get older is to see yourself be one your parents. The worst part of them. I still try to be in denial about this but I know there are some things lurking deep inside. I worry a lot. My mom's a worry wart. And I overreact to thing that aren't a big deal. I overreact to thing I can't change. Everytime I do this a little piece of me hardens and dies. I'm slowly killin myself when I get angry at things I can't change. I've become rigid and when my world changes without my permision I blow a gasket.

Over 16 years ago on the night before I decided to quit drinking I had a great attitude. I was at a bar that my joke band had played at and I had just bought the bar drinks with the money my real band had earned the night before. We through all the equipment in my van and when someone tried to shut the side door the whole door fell off onto the ground. Now my reaction to this is the key to life. I simply said,"Well it looks like we won't be needi g that door anymore.". I laughed. It was hilarious.

It was after this nightthat I decided to quit drinking. Isn't it ironic that my fuck it attitude was what caused me so many problems that I decided to change my life yet it's the fuck it attitude that I need now to save it?

Sometimes when life doesn't go our way we need to be able to say,"I guess I won't be needing that door anymore.". It's this attitude that I crave. It's this attitude that makes life fun, that creates the party. And it's this saying that was made for me: The party starts when te worrying stops.

Surprise me

They say that if you're in a place in your life where you have no clue what direction you're heading, this could be a good thing. I guess the thought is if you're not connected to any particular path then the full spectrum of possibilities has opened up to you. Anything is possible when you're in this space. I spend a lot of time here it seems.

Here's to possibilities! Surprise me.