Take the years

Does the yell come from behind?
Looking back to years unkind
Scarred into the years of good
Holding on to burning wood
The house is gone along with vision
The clean of hope lost decision
Faces met with worrisome less
Time has passed but present jests
Holding temples to reconcile
Burning bridges all the while
Love is close but hatred lives
Taking all the world gives

Headed for nothing both ways

I think I know but I'm not sure that I know
Can you lose what was once inside of you?
So close before to the understanding
It leaves me thinking I know less than before
I used to hold on to answers but they slip through my hands like holograms
What if they're all holograms?
Sent down from the mothership trying to trick me?
I can be that foolish.
I can believe in beauty, it's easy that way.
The spiritual fox.
Everyone has their hard thing and mine has me fading away into the nothingness.
If you're doing it right you're headed for nothing and if you are wrong the result is the same.

No freedom (inner)

Once again our lips come so close yet they do not touch
This wall that touches my head with gentle smashing
Two truths that oppose each other
Nothing more than a dream of jokes
Laughter from the wrong side
Heavy is the skin above my eyes
The animal has instincts
We know but we don't talk
We see but we don't acknowledge
The doctor won't speak the word
The commercials live strong
Too strong to free any man

Fuck it is powerfully good and bad (you choose)

It's the day after my birthday and my stomach feels like it's ready to explode.  Donuts, milkshakes, fudge, waffles and birthday sex make Duke a fucked up mother fucker.  Why the extremes?  It's all or nothing.  No sugar or all sugar.

I'm a man of "fuck it".  My favorite attitude.  The fuck it attitude can take you places in life but it can also ruin you.  It must be harnessed for good.  Use the good of the fuck it attitude and never use fuck it for bad.  Oh Fuck it maybe sometimes for bad.

The party result (hung over)

So I was asked to do this party.  I'm offered $200.  I can't turn that shit down.  But then the red flags start to appear.  Instead of 15 minutes they want 30.  They want it pg 13. 

I ignore the signs, I take the money, I bomb hard.

When I arrive to the party I learn that the crowd is mostly a church group.  One gentleman says he will pray for me.  My act get's worse and worse.  Each thing I said was worse than the previous one.  With each punchline the audience gasps in horror.  I go down hard.  Then I say fuck my material and talk to the birthday girls.  One girl dances and the crowd goes wild.  I say thank, good night and get the hell out of there.  Luckily she paid upfront.

I'm now licking my wounds and trying to figure out my next move. Til then...

I'm fucked! I have a gig tonight!!

I'm nervous. Fuck. A couple weeks ago I performed at a house party and it went really well. Some of my new fans from my trivia night wanted to see me perform so they put together a house party and offered me $150 to do 15 minutes. I really have never done over ten minutes. I dreaded bombing that night but it turned out great. I got an encore after 20 minutes and did a total of almost a half hour. They even paid me $205!

Now some girl heard that I performed at that party and she decided to hire me for her birthday party. My new manager told her $200 and she said,"For $200 can he perform for at least a half hour?"

My manager said,"Okay."

Tonight is the night. Fuck. I'm nervous. I just ate pancakes, a cinniman roll, and ice cream for breakfast. Not sure if that was a good idea.

I'm gonna bring my guitar. Oh fuck. It's a cocktail party, I'm gonna wear a suit. Can I be funny in a suit?

I'll report back tomorrow.

Happy anniversery

Happy ten years anniversary to me and my wife!  Married 10 years, together 14.  She says we can't count the four because we weren't married for those.  I fucked up and wasted those years.  There's couples that have been together for a shorter period but married longer, they're beating us.  I've basically humiliated my wife and permanently damaged the number of years we've been married.  That's kind of bullshit craziness you have to put up with if you want a marriage to work.

Want to know how to keep a marriage together?  Don't leave.

Here's another piece of advice, no matter how much she deserves the blame, don't do it.  "My wife is not my problem" is a good mantra. I am my problem.  She's just there bringing up the fucked upness that resides within.  That's her job, to show you how fucked up you really are.  My job is to somehow work through my own craziness that my wife inevitably brings to the surface.  If I look at my relationship as a tool to work through my own craziness, then I can grow as a human.  If I can grow as a human then my capability to love becomes greater.  If that happens the love which surrounds my wife and I will grow.  If that happens she will get cooler.  If that happens I will get more sex.  If that happens I will be a happy man.

In conclusion: Let your wife bring out your inner demons, fight them, and get laid!