The pain is forcing me

I seem to have built a high tolerance to the pain of life. The level that the human body can become uncomfortable before attempting to make a change is staggering. I've seen this level, I've lived it, I do liVe it. I've been so uncomfortable with emotions that the need to make a change has slammed me like a brick to the head. I had to tap out. My current pain is anxiety. Not your normal twists in the stomache which I could have taken for years but signals from the brain that are literally telling my body it's going to die. I can walk this earth for only so long while my body thinks it's dying until I finally have to do something.

The lucky thing for me is that I've become at least a little sophisticated towards the solution. When I was younger and had religion controlling my thought process I was sure that God was punishing me. Actually worse than that I thought that Satan was attacking me. Either way I was being punished. The solution was church, Jesus, and good behavior. I could never keep it up. I asked Jesus to be my savior more than once to make sure I was doing it right. Still the anxiety persisted and I was unable to stay good for too long of a time.

As I got older the anxiety increased as did the stress of life. My brain attempted to find some type of a logical answer. When I would have panic attacks my mind would try to figure out exactly what I was doing, saying or thinking at the time of the attack and then attempt to never do that again. One time I had that song "from a distance" in my head and was singing it when an attack hit me, to this day when I hear that song or even the word "distance" I associate it with a panic attack. I had an attack walking by a tennis court one time and I avoided tennis courts for months. I was walking when I had an attack one time and the attack hit when my heal touched the ground. I tried to not walk with my heel touching the ground after that.

One thing I realized is that my mind wasn't helping. I needed to attack the problem from all fronts. There was no one answer. I've researched the solution and I know it. It's just a lot of work and I've been reluctant to do the work until now. Now I'm in.

Here's what I'm in for as of now:

1. Muscle relaxation technique.

2. Writing everyday.

3. Yoga everyday.

4. Healthy diet.

The muscle relaxation is the latest to be added to the list. The ones that remain to be added are:

1. Meditation

2. Cardio exercise

3. Expressing my feelings

4. Being assertive

There's probably many more to add to the list and many ways I can improve on what I'm already doing. The point is at least I'm working towards it. Life has a way of motivating you with the carrot and the stick. I allways seem to need the stick in order to get me moving but experience has taught me that a little bit of movement can start momentum. Hopefully the momentum will begin to propell my life forward rather than the pain.

Lesson learned: Hard way = No fun...The way of love is work but way more fun in the end.

Who pushed the panic button?

My anxiety disorder is in full gear. Full court press. The pressure will not stop. All night last night I was having the strangest dream and panic would soar through my body. Time after time I would wake up to the body's fight or flight response. All day today. The intensity of the panic attacks is far more than the average man could possibly take. I do beleive if I switched bodies with any of my friends they would be in the psych ward within a day.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea.

What was I doing there?

I used to get to the veteran's hall around 615pm. The show started at 8pm. I would transform the room. You wouldn't recognize it in the day time. I remember being by myself having panic attacks and jut thinking what am I doing here? It was weird almost like I wasn't even doing it. I guess I have an incredible knack for putting one foot in front of the other. It was almost as if I was above watching my body break down chairs. Break down tables, move couches, hang banners, hang applause signs. I'm getting some distance now and feel like I'm coming out of the fog. What the fuck was I doing? I just kept going. Am I a lunatic? I don't know what it was but a little voice just told me to power forward.

Sometimes in life we need to charge forward but always give some time for reflection. Success let's us party and failure gets us to analize. Both are good but we will never know which one to do with no reflection. I'm really ready to start partying. When does the party start? I heard it starts when the worrying stops. What am I doing now? I don't have a game plan. I have ideas and a sense of the direction I want but I'm on another roller coaster. When will I get off?

I don't know that I can.

Reside in the paradox

My computer has crashed. Computer problems are always frustrating. Is God punishing me? If you beleive in God where is the line where his will stops and mine starts. I imagine for some people God's will is everything above the clouds and man's will is everything below. For other people mabey God's will is all the big stuff in life and man's is all the little stuff. Or maybe everything is God's will and this life is nothing more than a roller coaster. A ride with highs and lows that eventually ends but you have no control over.

Or maybe that angry guy smoking cigars at the coffee shop is right and there's no God at all. That's probably the closest to the truth but it's just not a fun one for me. I use all of the first three. In order to get spiritual you've got to reside in the paradox.

#1 fan

Not many people can say this but I have a #1 fan. He won a contest to process that he was the best fan. I reward fans so I gave him a cougar to make out with. The cougar later regreted it and told me about it. It's been uncomfortable around her ever since although I don't think she is upset anymore.

Back to number one fan. I've never heard a negative word come out of his mouth. He is more than cool. When all friends flaked on me for my birthday number one fan was there. And that's more birthdays than one. I'm just writing this because I not only love number one fan but I love the idea of his attitude.

Today 16 years ago

It was before thanksgiving. I was a mess and my head was fucked up worse than usual. In my mind I blew my chance at happiness. My dad died when I was 12 from a heart attack. Everyone told me it was from alcoholism. I had a strong feeling that I was on the same path. My mind was getting increasing worse every time my anxiety disorder kicked in. Religion fucked with my mind. My mom was a worry wart. "It's a dangerous world out there" was her mantra. That sentiment had crept into my being. I didn't see the point in anything. I was completely lost. This was the day of the decision.

They say if there are three frogs on a log and one makes a decision to jump off, how many are left? There's still three. A decision doesn't mean shit unless followed up with an action. That's where I was. On the log with a decision, before thanksgiving. My thought was, "Right after the holidays."

I proceeded to drink with friends and tell them I'm quitting. Holidays came and went. I told too many people it was over. I had to try.

I went up to SF for one last try. Jan 7th. It was a late night, hard alcohol was involved. So was a video camera but I can't tell you where that footage is now. Jan 8th I was still drunk. Weird dreams and cold sweats that night. Jan. 9th, 1995 was my first day sober. 16 years ago today.

In the last 16 years I've gained enlightenment and lost it a few times over. I've had times sober much worse than anything while drinking, but it's because I have to be present. I have to be conscious within a life that doesn't go my way all the time. But I have seen beauty that I believe I would never have seen had I not took this path. Two wonderful little boys and an incredibly amazing and beautiful wife. I also have a soul. I've been given many opportunities to nourish it. Sometimes I've ignored these opportunities and the pain was slow but eventually overriding. Above all I believe I must nourish this soul to be an example to those around me. To be an example that nourishes others.

This is my path today.

16 years no beers!

I stayed up past midnight which I rarely do these days but the time I do I turned 16 years sober when the clock struck 12. 16 years sober and I'm crazier than ever but at the same time more aware than ever. I feel truer than ever in regards to my life's path. These last few years I've done some major course correction. In fact I've torn the house completely down including the foundation and started new. A solid foundation built on what is inside and not on what is out.

I went to a play with my wife in LA tonight and then to a vegan place. My life is good and seems to be getting better. I'm on the right track although I still question that often. Maybe it is the questioning that keeps me there.